


Hi, I'm Your New Roommate

by bethanyann97



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Artist Castiel, Bartender Dean, Blow Jobs, Brief Lisa Braeden/Dean Winchester, Castiel & Charlie Bradbury Friendship, Child Abuse, College AU, Depression, Destiel - Freeform, Domestic Violence, Fluff and Angst, Hand Jobs, Happy Ending, M/M, Masturbation, Mechanic Dean, POV Castiel, POV Dean Winchester, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Attempted Suicide, Past Character Death, Roommates, SO MUCH SEXUAL TENSION, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Slow Build, Smut, Social Anxiety, Suicide, Therapy, mention of PTSD, past self harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-23
Updated: 2014-08-25
Packaged: 2018-01-16 19:22:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 66,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1358992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bethanyann97/pseuds/bethanyann97
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Dean finds himself with nowhere to live after a bad break-up, he finds out there's a vacancy in one of the dorms. Castiel enjoys living alone, and when he finds out he has a new roommate, there's hell to pay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Heartbreaker

**Author's Note:**

> Please read before continuing!  
> Hi! So this is my first fan fic ever. I've never been a particularly good writer so please tell me if there are any grammatical or punctuation errors. Also, I live in the UK so I have no idea on how the college system works and I have no idea how dorms work, so I'm just making it all up tbh. I'm also not sure how frequent the updates will be for this fic, I have exams and other stuff going atm so I apologise in advance if I don't update enough. This fic is unbeta'd as I have no idea how to even go about that. I hope you enjoy this fic!  
> Please give me feedback and any advice you have to make this fic a good one.
> 
> Rated Explict for future smut. Which will be poorly written, since I've only ever read it and never written it. Also, warning for a lot of swearing... ENJOY!

“What the fuck?!”

Dean was pissed. Like, really pissed.

He’d just walked in on something he really didn’t want to fucking see. 

He just walked in on his girlfriend of 8 months, Lisa, with some guy with his dick up her ass. 

Dean was having a really good day too. Surprisingly. He’d just finished fixing up a ’76 Chevy Camaro at Bobby’s. He was extremely proud of the job he had done, especially when Bobby enthused about his work. Then he got a free coffee at the local coffee shop after getting enough stamps. It was the simple things that made Dean Winchester's day better. But now that was effectively ruined.

“DEAN!” she yells as she speeds after him. “It’s not what it looks like.”

If this was a cartoon, Dean would’ve skidded to a halt. He turned around, eyes stinging with tears threatening to spill over, from rage and hurt.

“Not what- NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE! HE HAD HIS DICK UP YOUR ASS LISA!”

Then the asshole decides to grace them with his presence, sauntering towards Dean with too much arrogance. 

“Hey dude,” he remarks, “why don’t you just calm down.” He adds a smirk to then end his egotistically aired sentence.

That’s when Dean flips.

The next thing he knows is the guy’s on the floor, one hand holding his bloodied face, the other on his stomach. Dean can feel a grip on his arm, pulling him away, and muffled shouts but he can’t hear the words over the blood pumping in his ears. 

When Dean can finally hear, he listens to what Lisa’s pleading.

Lisa looked at Dean horrified. “Dean… He didn’t mean anything to me, it’s just that you’re hardly ever home and you-“

“No, Lisa. Don’t you dare blame this on me.” Dean needed to get out. He was starting to get light-headed.

“We,” he points his finger between himself and Lisa, getting close to her face, “are done.”

Lisa starts crying. _Fucking let her_ , Dean thinks and he storms out of the apartment, hearing Lisa screaming his name, begging for him to come back, that they can fix this; she can fix it. 

He doesn’t say another word. Just storms out of the building, gets into his ’67 Chevy Impala, and drives away, with Lisa in the rear view mirror.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He drives until he realises, he has less than 15 minutes until his shift at the Roadhouse.

He hopes that he doesn’t look so dishevelled that Ellen pesters him with questions. He wants to just forget about everything. At least working will provide a distraction. 

He checks himself in his rear-view mirror after parking in the Roadhouse’s parking lot, and sighs at the sight. His eyes are puffy, as those tears that were before threatening to spill over, spilled all over the wheel half way through the drive. But if anyone ever asked, Dean Winchester does not cry. 

Once he’s gathered himself and his eyes look less tired and puffy, he braves the walk through the Roadhouse doors, nodding to a few early evening drinkers on the way to the back room to let Ellen know he’s there, since she’s not at the bar. 

He spots Ellen grabbing a crate of beer to bring out front and smiles. Ellen’s always been like a second mother to Dean. She’s caring and sweet, even though you have to break through her firm and strong-headed barrier to get there. She has a natural, motherly air to her that comforts Dean, even in his mood. 

When she turns she almost drops the crate.

“Dean, don’t you sneak up on me!”

Dean chuckles softly, and answers, “Sorry, Ellen.”

Ellen squints her eyes and purses her lips.

“What’s wrong boy?”

Damn Ellen and her motherly instincts. 

Dean sighs and shakes his head. He really doesn’t want to talk about it but he knows Ellen won’t leave without an answer.

“Lisa cheated on me,” he says abruptly. He stares at the floor and tightens his fists. They start to go white and his nails bite into his palms. He starts to wonder why he hasn’t heard a reply, when he hears the clinking of glass and he looks up. Ellen extends a beer to him from the crate.

Dean, hoarsely, says, “What happened to no drinking on the job?”

“I think you need it,” Ellen replies, and within seconds Dean practically snatches the bottle out of her hands, opens it and swallows half the contents of the bottle.

“Whoa, slow down there Dean,” Ellen says, “that’s the only one you’re gettin’”

Ellen looks at Dean worriedly. He hopes this ends soon because he really does not want to get into this.

“What happened?”

Obviously she does.

Dean takes a deep breath and sighs, even more heavily than before and starts, “Not now Ellen, I really don’t want to talk about it,” he says with a tone of finality. 

However, that doesn’t fly with Ellen. 

“Look, I won’t push you, but just tell me what happened,” 

“I’m pretty sure you’re pushing Ellen,”

“Just answer the question Dean,”

“Fine!” he snaps. 

He takes a moment to gather his thoughts and say this simply without getting too frustrated.

“I walked in on her with another guy,” he answers through clenched teeth. “Now I have no place to stay because I moved into that damn apartment to be with her and I have to go back there to get my stuff.” He’s out of breath now and really wants to punch something. 

“Can't you stay with Bobby for a while? You lived there for years before anyway,” Ellen says.

“I guess… but I don’t want to stay there forever since it’s a bit too far from campus. It’s only the first semester, so I’ll see if there are any dorms free, or if anyone pulled out at the last minute,” Dean nodded in confirmation to himself. Considering how messed up he is, he's surprisingly level headed. 

“Okay, as long as you’re sure. You know you can always stay with me an-“

Dean interrupts, “No Ellen, it’s nice of you to offer but I can’t just butt into your lives like that,”

Ellen sighs exasperatedly, “Fine, fine, as long as you’ve got a roof over your head.”

Dean smiles fondly at Ellen and moves to hug her.

“Ah, ah. No, we’ve spent enough time jabbering. Get to work.”

Dean drops his arms and gives Ellen puppy eyes that would trump even Sammy.

“Urgh, fine.” Ellen moves forward and embraces Dean, then pulls away and slaps Dean’s arm.

“Work. Now.”

Ellen doesn’t need to tell Dean twice, especially in that tone. So he puts his jacket on the hook and goes behind the bar. Thankfully, it’s a Friday, so it’ll be a busy night. Dean desperately needs the distraction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Heartbreaker by Motorhead.
> 
> For updates follow me on tumblr - i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com


	2. Kill Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel's day starts great. And then it all goes to hell.

Saturday morning found Castiel asleep in his dorm. His alarm went off at 10am and he groaned as he turned it off and threw his cell halfway across the room. However tired he was, he wasn’t going to miss out on his weekend run. He’d been taking a Saturday morning run ever since he was 16. He uses the time to think over his week, plan his college work and get in some exercise, which he finds hardly any time for these days. 

After rolling out of bed, he looks across the room to the empty bed that was to be filled by another. The vacant bed belonged to someone who pulled out last minute, and dear Lord was Castiel happy about that fact.

He’d never been particularly social. The only real friend he’d ever had was Charlie, and that was only because she was so persistent in becoming his friend. They had met in high school, freshman year, in IT. He was having trouble with his computer (he couldn’t figure out how to turn it on) since he’d never really used one before. Charlie, the techie that she was, helped him through the class and then continued to ask if he wanted to hang out sometime. He was a little awkward and not particularly interested in having a friend anyway, but he had to admit he loved her determination. She introduced him to all things pop culture and nerdy. He and Charlie have this thing where one would call the other their gay best friend and vice versa. Charlie had been with him through extremely hard times with his extremely religious family and he loved her for that.

After Charlie, he couldn’t think of any other people he would consider his friend. And he doesn’t mind that. He prefers to read and sketch and write and be in his own company. He walks into his small bathroom, still glad he doesn’t have to share, and looks in the mirror. His hair is in disarray, just like every other day of his life and he decides that there is no point in trying to tame such a helpless cause. He brushes his teeth and leaves the bathroom to change. He’ll shower later after his run. 

After he changes, he heads to the kitchen he shares with the other residents. He nods to a few, since he hasn’t yet bothered learning anyone’s names, then grabs an orange and a bottle of water. He walks out of the building slowly eating the orange and when he’s finished he takes a sip of water and then starts his run. He runs around campus and through the park.

When he returns, drenched in sweat, he misses the note on his door and walks in to grab his towel and a change of clothes. The one downside to living in a residence hall is the communal showers. Luckily they’re closed off from each other but he has still had a few unfortunate encounters with body parts he’d rather not see. 

After he’s all clean and feeling refreshed, he returns to his dorm room, now noticing the note on his door. He’s being called to see the head of the floor to speak to her about an issue. 

Issue? Castiel is pretty sure he hasn’t done anything wrong. It’s only been the first two weeks and he has hardly left his room. He has to meet her in the common room in twenty minutes. Just enough time to work his anxiety right up. 

He starts to breathe deeply. He knows he shouldn’t get worked up over something that might be something little, but he can’t help it. 

He picks his phone up from the floor and calls the one person he knows he can count on to understand.

“ _Hey Kitty-Cas, what's up?_ ”

“Charlie, there was a note on my door when I got back from my run and I have to see the head of our floor in fifteen minutes to talk about an issue. I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong but I’m worried.” He’s rambling now and hasn’t noticed that Charlie is saying his name, trying to get his attention.

“ _CAS!_ ” She shouts.

“What?” 

“ _Do you want me to come up there and back you up?_ ”

Castiel lets out a huge breath and deflates onto the bed. Bless Charlie. 

“Yes please Charlie that would be helpful.”

“ _Okay, I’ll be two minutes._ ”

Castiel must’ve fallen asleep after Charlie hung up because the next thing he knows is that he’s being hit in the face with a pillow and his name is being called.

“Cas wake up. We’ve got to go see Anna.” Charlie exclaims and finishes her sentence with another blow to Castiel’s head with the pillow. 

Castiel sighs and opens one eye. He brings his hands up to his face and groans loudly through them.

“Come on lazy. It’s probably not even that bad.”

Reluctantly, he takes her hand and is being led to the common room. 

When he gets there, he spots Anna’s fiery red hair and tries to calm himself. She’s sat with someone he hasn’t seen around campus before and he’s surprised by bright green eyes when the guy looks up and smiles. Castiel’s mouth goes awfully dry when he sees those glistening teeth. He would’ve remembered a smile like that around campus. God, he can’t keep his eyes off of him. He doesn’t realise he has been staring until Charlie waves a hand in front of his face. 

“Castiel,” Anna regards, “this is Dean.”

Dean. A perfect name, for a perfect face. Now, that perfect face was holding out a perfect hand. Castiel takes it bewildered and he swears he feels warmth emit from where Dean’s hand meets his. He doesn’t understand why Anna has introduced them thou—

“He’s going to be your new roommate.”

Castiel drops Dean’s hand and looks at Anna with wide eyes.

“R-roommate?” Castiel asks, hoping he heard her wrong.

“Yes, roommate, will that be a problem?”

 _Yes_ , “No,” Castiel say begrudgingly. 

Why? Why him? He knew he should’ve gotten an apartment instead of a dorm. But no, it had to be more expensive to rent an apartment instead of a dorm. The only way he could afford the dorm was with the money he'd saved from what his parents had given him throughout his teenage years. 

He looked at Dean with a new-found hatred. Those eyes that seemed so intriguing before, now held nothing of interest for Castiel. He was wary about having a roommate in the beginning but through the summer he had slowly gotten used to the idea. Then when he got the call to say he would have the room to himself he practically jumped to the heavens. Everything that he told himself throughout the summer was forgotten and he was glad to get such privacy. 

Now that was tossed right out the window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Kill Me by The Pretty Reckless.  
> I'm not entirely sure where I want this to go so I'm just making it up as I go along. I may need a bit of advice, so if you want to help out at all send me a message on tumblr - i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com or write a comment:)
> 
> Let me know what you think:D


	3. Let The Flames Begin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean finds a dorm within hours of breaking up with Lisa, thank god.

Dean was the luckiest guy in the whole fucking world. 

On Saturday he woke up unnaturally early at Bobby’s and called the university’s residence office to see if there were any dorms available. Being Dean he was not expecting any rooms to be available. He was expecting to have to stay with Bobby for the foreseeable future and he didn’t want to be in the way. Bobby was practically his adoptive father, ever since his real father, John, died after running the Impala into a tree. Bobby was hunting buddies with John and took the boys in after what happened. He was the father figure Dean and Sam never had, their own father being a mean, abusive old drunk. Luckily most of his vicious actions were taken out on Dean and Sammy never had to get hurt. Except for that one really bad day that Dean would never, ever talk about. Even the few times when Sam brought it up he would hastily change the subject. 

When he called the office he practically jumped for joy when they said there was space available in one of the dorm rooms in the second floor of the main residence hall. They said he could move in as soon as he could and that he would have to meet with the head of the floor and his new roommate. They said he could meet with them today at 12.30 to talk about it. 

After making the arrangements and ending the call, only then did Dean realise he had to work at Bobby’s auto shop in an hour and would have to, very kindly, ask if he could have the afternoon off. 

He went downstairs and saw Sam sat in the kitchen huddled over a mass of textbooks and papers. The kid never stopped studying and Dean didn’t think he’d ever seen the kid sleep in on a Saturday. _Nerd_ , Dean thought affectionately, and ruffled his hair as he walked past him to the fridge. He opened the door to the fridge and reached inside for the eggs and bacon. 

“Want breakfast, bitch?”

Even though Dean’s back is to him, he can practically hear Sam’s eyes roll.

“Already had some, Jerk.”

Dean, knowing Sam probably had a girly fruit salad for breakfast, starts frying the bacon.

“Sam,” he starts wearily, “I called the university earlier and they have a dorm available, I’m probably going to be moving in tomorrow.”

He doesn’t chance turning around, knowing that Sam probably doesn’t appreciate the fact that Dean is just up and leaving as soon as he moved back in.

“Already?” Sam says, finally taking his eyes off his work. 

Dean nods his affirmations and starts the eggs. He knows Sam is a pissed at him. He’d hardly seen his brother when he was with She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and now he’s leaving again. 

He didn’t see it at the time, but over the summer, he spent most of his time with Lisa than with Sammy. Whenever Sam asked him to come to see a movie or have a day out driving, Lisa would always come first. Yes, he realised all her flaws in one night, but hey, the bitch broke his heart. 

“I know I haven’t seen you much since I was with… Lisa,” he spits, it hurts to even mutter her name, “but that’s over now obviously and I want to make it up to you.”

“I know Dean,” Sam sighs.

He turns his head back to his work and starts scribbling notes. 

He wished he didn’t have to go. Dean and Sam had been so close when they lived together. Heck, Dean practically raised the kid. But he can’t drive back and forth to college every day. It costs a lot of money to keep his baby running. 

Dean finishes the eggs and bacon and moves them to his plate. He sits at the table, opposite Sam, moving a few books around so he can put his food on it, apparently they were in some sort of order if the bitch-face he receives is anything to go by.

“Whoa Sammy, what’s with the bitch-face?” Dean questions with a chuckle.

“Dean, it’s my senior year and I’ve already got assignments and tests in every class,” 

“Fine Einstein, what’d you say we pig out tonight and watch a couple movies?” Dean pronounces hopefully.

“I thought you had to work at the Roadhouse tonight?” Sam dejects, not looking up from rearranging his books. 

“Nope, Ellen gave me the night off,”

Sam looks up, eyeing Dean for a minute to see if he’s lying and Dean leans forward in a challenge.

“Sounds good,” Sam answers finally and returns to his paper with a small smile on his face.

Dean finishes his breakfast and stands to put the plate away in the sink. That’s when Bobby enters with a newspaper under his arm and an empty mug in his hand.

“Mornin’ boys,” he says in his southern drawl.

“Mornin’ Bobby,” they answer together.

“You make me anything, son?” He asks Dean gruffly, but with a hint of affection at the word son.

Dean grins and says, “Check the microwave.”

Bobby moves to the microwave and sure enough there’s eggs and bacon inside still a little warm. 

“Alright what’d ya want?”

“I need the afternoon off,” Dean hurries and winces expecting to be scolded for asking such a thing.

“Sure,” Bobby says dismissively, diving into his breakfast.

Now that, Dean was not expecting.

“Is that okay Bobby?” He says, not trusting his ears.

“Yeah, you deserve a break, you work too hard,”

Oh. Well then, that works well. Dean thanks Bobby and returns upstairs to get ready for work. 

If he’s meeting with the head of the floor and his new roommate today then he’ll probably move in tomorrow, which means he has to go back to that bitch’s hovel to collect his belongings. That is definitely something he does not want to deal with. But he has to. 

He’ll call her later he decides and starts to get changed. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

After working at Bobby’s for about two hours he leaves to get cleaned up before he has to go to the dorm. 

When he’s ready he shouts his goodbye to Sam and leaves for the residence hall, exuding confidence. If there was one thing Dean could do, it was turning on the charm. He was your stereotypical ladies’ man throughout high school and he was renowned for his charismatic demeanour.

He jumps into the Impala and turns the ignition, relishing in the sound of her purr. He inserts an AC/DC cassette tape into the player (Dean refuses to let Sam defile his baby with modern technology) and starts drumming his fingers on the steering wheel to the beat at the beginning of Back in Black.

In no time he arrives at the campus, and finds a parking spot. Thank god most people go out on Saturday otherwise he would’ve had to park halfway down the street. 

He enters the building and heads to the second floor. He’d been told to meet the head of the floor; Anna he thinks was her name, in the common room. 

He reached the doorway to the common room to see it mostly empty except for a redheaded girl sat on the couch on the far side of the room. 

Guessing this was Anna he moved towards her. She looked up and smiled a warm, motherly smile that reminded Dean a lot of Ellen. He could see why this girl looked after a whole floor of students. 

“You must be Dean,” she said.

“Sure am, Anna?”

She nodded and gestured for him to sit down. She studied Dean for a minute before turning her attention to the forms in front of her. 

“So these are just a few forms you need to fill out for your personal details, like emergency contacts and such,”

She continued to explain the various different forms and gave him a few information packs for the building. He filled out all the forms and chatted to Anna a little. He was certain pretty early on that she would not take any crap from anyone and deemed it better to not try anything on with her. She turned out to be a pretty cool chick and Dean knew they would become fast friends. 

Anna said that his roommate should be getting there soon so they resumed chatting until Dean saw a very flustered, very… attractive young man with raven black hair enter the room. Anna stood and he followed suit. God, this better be him, he thought to himself. It wasn’t until Anna introduced him, Castiel did Anna say? That he noticed his eyes. Fuck, his eyes. If Jo was here she would say they were the bluest blue to ever blue, which was a pretty accurate description to be quite honest. Dean didn’t realise he was staring until Castiel’s friend started waving a hand in front of his roommate’s face. 

He held out a hand for him to shake and could not ignore the spark he felt at the touch. He gave Cas, yep that would be a hell of a lot easier to say than Castiel, a lopsided grin.

“He’s going to be your new roommate.” He hears Anna say and feels his hand go cold after Cas drops it immediately at the statement.

“R-roommate?” 

Dean is a little confused at the minute. Did Castiel not know about this? Was he not okay with this? The last thing he wanted to do was cause problems with the guy he had to spend the rest of the year with, within the first day of meeting each other.

“Yes, roommate, will that be a problem?”

“No.” Dean notices his teeth grit at the comment and his stomach twists. Great, within the first ten minutes of meeting each other the guy already hates him. 

The glare that Castiel sends his way doesn’t go unnoticed by Dean either and he immediately regrets the decision to move into these dorms. 

_This is going to be fun_ , he thought sarcastically.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if there are any mistakes, I kind of rushed this chapter.  
> Chapter title is Let the Flames Begin by Paramore.
> 
> Please let me know what you think!  
> Follow me on tumblr at - i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com for updates:3


	4. Never Let This Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel has to show Dean around their dorm but finds himself a little distracted.

Fucking hell, Castiel thinks. He mentally chastises himself for cussing but then shakes it off. 

He stares at Dean a while longer while Anna rants on about something or other. He was comfortable being alone, hell he loved it. Now he has to surrender his privacy for the sake of another human being. Why did this guy have to be so goddamn attractive? 

_Wow, Castiel, really going to town on cussing I see._

“Castiel, do you mind showing Dean to you guys’ room and around the floor?”

 _Yes_ , “No,” Cas hisses. Stupid common courtesy.

He throws a brief, insincere smile Dean’s way and abruptly turns to make his way to his room. He casts a quick glance over his shoulder to ensure Dean is following. He sees him in his peripheral vision and continues to trudge towards the door of his- their room. He opens the door and stands to the side to let Dean through.

As Dean walks past him though, he catches the scent of Dean’s aftershave. _Oh crap. He even smells good. NO. Stop it Castiel. You’re angry. Do not smell the attractive privacy invader._

“That’ll be your bed,” he says sharply, pointing to the vacant bed. 

“Awesome,” Dean says, and holy mother, that’s the first thing that’s come out of Dean’s mouth and his voice… sex. Pure sex. Not that Castiel has any experience in that department, but still. It's deep and gravelly and vibrates straight through Castiel’s chest. _STOP IT CASTIEL._

“Dude,” Castiel blinks and apparently he’s been staring if the blush on Dean’s cheeks it anything to go by. 

“Sorry,” He mentally shakes off all thought and walks past Dean toward the door to the small toilet. _Do. Not. Smell._

“This is the bathroom; it’s just a sink and toilet, since you have to pay extra to get the full bathroom. They get those upstairs.”

Castiel watches Dean nod and move towards the bed where he sits down and tests the mattress. Seemingly satisfied he gets up and motions for Castiel to continue. Castiel walks out of the dorm room door and heads to the kitchen where a few other students are making food. 

“This is the kitchen, we have a rota for cooking dinner and cleaning the dishes and we all pitch in for groceries once a week,” Those were the only times that Castiel ever really conversed with the other students.

“I guess we’ll sort out everything when you move in properly. Speaking of which, when will that be?”

Castiel was hoping to have a few extra days to himself so he could get used to the fact that he’d be having another body in his room.

“Well I was hoping to get all my stuff in tomorrow. If that’s okay with you of course?”

Castiel waved him off and said it was fine, even though it wasn't. He never did anything on weekends anyway, apart from having a marathon of some new TV show Charlie had found or doing assignments. 

The last place he had to show Dean was the shower rooms but there was no point actually going in there unless you wanted a face full of genitalia, so he just indicated where they were and then returned to the common room to meet back with Anna who was chatting to Charlie.

“Enjoy the tour?” Anna says far too excitedly.

“Yeah, I think it’s going to be pretty easy settling in here,” Dean replies, but the positive statement didn’t quite match his tone of voice. 

“Okay then, if you ever need me I’m in the room between the showers and the kitchen. You’re moving in tomorrow right?”

Dean nods, “Well if you need any help, you know where I’ll be,” and with that, Anna takes her leave. 

Charlie takes this opportunity to introduce herself.

“I’m Charlie, Cas’ gay bestie,” she states and Castiel sends her a glare.

Dean chuckles at both Charlie’s introduction and Castiel’s expression.

“I’m Dean,” he says with a warm smile. Castiel melts at the genuine tone in Dean’s voice and almost awe’s at the sentiment. Dean really does have a lovely smile. He stops himself before he gets too carried away. 

“Well nice to meet you Dean, I’m sure we’ll be seeing a lot of each other, but right now I have something important to discuss with Castiel,” she says, grabbing Castiel's wrist.

“No problem, I have to get home to sort my stuff out anyway, I’ll see you tomorrow Castiel?”

Castiel nods and doesn’t even need to force a smile. Maybe Dean won’t be such a bad roommate after all. _No. Still mad._

After Dean leaves, and Castiel knows he left since he watched him walk out, he turns back to Charlie. She raises an eyebrow and throws a knowing smirk his way.

“What?” he says genuinely confused.

“You like him,” she says childishly, elbowing him for added effect.

“I- what, no… I- _what?_ ” 

Charlie tuts and rolls her eyes affectionately, letting go of his wrist and throwing an arm over his shoulder, guiding him back to his dorm room.

“Come on Castiel, you were practically drooling over that hot piece of ass,” 

“I was not!” Castiel counters. 

Great, now he’s feeling self-conscious. Was he really drooling over him? Was it that obvious that he was attracted to Dean? He hopes Dean didn’t notice his transparency. But really, who wouldn’t be attracted to him. 

Charlie throws herself onto his bed and kicks off her shoes. Anyone would swear this was her dorm room. Castiel smacks her feet from the end of the bed and sits cross legged facing Charlie.

“Okay, maybe he was a little appealing,” he sees Charlie start to get over excited and rushes to finish his sentence, “but, first of all I’m not happy about him moving in in the first place and second I’m not about to start a relationship with a guy who I’m going to be living with 24/7 and lastly, he’s probably straight.” Castiel takes a large breath after his little rant and waits for Charlie’s reply.

“I’m pretty sure he’s not straight, since he checked out your ass when you turned to show him your room.”

Castiel had to admit Charlie’s gaydar was pretty good since she helped him out on more than one occasion throughout high school to determine who was gay and who wasn’t and she was right almost every time. Almost.

Castiel raises an eyebrow at her.

“Oh, come on, that was one time.” 

“And I will never forgive you for it,” he says jokingly, “Are we done now? Can we watch some Game of Thrones?” he says, hoping to GoT card will dissuade her from the topic. 

“Urgh, fine, but this isn’t over. You know I can’t turn down a bit of Daenerys Targaryen.” she says, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

Castiel chuckles warmly, opens his laptop and finds the next episode. He presses play and gets comfortable. 

Halfway through the episode, his mind wanders to thoughts of green eyes and warm smiles. But he quickly brushes it off to concentrate on the episode. Damn that was close. He’s still pissed at Dean, and no amount of warm smiles and cute freckles are going to change that. _Right?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not totally sure about my writing style, too much speech I think. Let me know what you think!
> 
> Chapter title is Never Let This Go by Paramore.
> 
> For updates - i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com
> 
> Comments and kudos appreciated!


	5. Bet U Wish U Had Me Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean doesn't have the best day, but a movie night with his brother is the perfect remedy.

_What was that guy’s problem?_ Dean thinks.

He’d just left the dorms and was heading back to his baby. He tried to be nice and genuine but as soon as he left his brain just exploded with irritation. Did he say something to offend Castiel? Did he do something wrong? Dean’s pretty sure he didn’t say more than twenty words to him the whole time he was showing Dean around. Dear God, he better not be like that the whole time. It will not be fun living with such an asshole.

A fucking sexy asshole that is. 

Seriously, if Dean didn’t have to live with the guy, he’d definitely bone him.

_Wow, way to be crude Dean._

Dean’s always known he was bisexual, even if he didn’t admit it through the first few years of high school. He first kissed a guy when he was in his junior year at a house party. No one saw and he had a big gay freak out afterwards but he actually kind of liked it, so he started experimenting. Bobby and Sam confronted him about it since he was spending way too much time engrossed in Dr Sexy reruns and it was pretty fucking awkward but they got it out of him and they were surprisingly supportive. Well, he had to endure a major chick-flick moment with Sam where he told Dean that it didn’t change his opinion on him and that’s it’s not a big deal, and all he got from Bobby was a gruff, “As long as you’re not doing it under my roof boy. Guys or gals.” 

He kept flitting from guy to girl until he met Lisa. And we all know how that went down.

Once he’s back inside his baby, he starts her up and starts driving out of the parking lot. Now all he needs to do is call Lisa to pick up his stuff. _Great._

He makes it back to Bobby’s and mentally prepares himself for what he’s about to do. He knows that she’ll probably think he wants to get back with her since it’s only been a day since he found her with that douche. He has to get it over and done with otherwise he’ll never get his stuff back. 

He thought he could leave it until a bit later, so he started making a late lunch. But every time he tries to distract himself, he can feel his phone burning a hole in his pocket. He gets irritated and leaves the phone on the counter to finish dinner, but once again it’s as if the phone is staring right at him. So he snatches the phone off the counter and before he can stop himself he has found Lisa’s number in his contacts and it’s already calling.

_No going back now then._

Lisa picks up within the first few rings with a frantic, “ _Dean, oh thank God, I—_ “

“No, Lisa, I don’t want to hear it,” Dean interrupts, irritated. Why would she ever think he would take her back? “I’m just calling to let you know I want to get my stuff, I’ve found a dorm and I’m moving out.”

He hears a sharp intake of breath on the other side of the call and then a sniff. Great, she’s crying again. 

“ _Dean, please, there has to be something I can do. I- I love you._ ”

That Dean was not expecting. She loves him? How can she say that when she bedded someone else? Apparently she doesn’t love Dean enough to be happy with just him. 

“You don’t get to say that to me Lisa. I found you in bed with someone else. I think… I think I loved you too Lisa, but I can’t be with you anymore. I would never, _never_ cheat on you. You know that.”

She had to know that. The whole time Dean was with her he didn’t look at another girl, or guy for that matter. He didn’t feel like he needed to. He was in a good relationship with someone he thought he loved, emphasis on the ‘was’ and ‘thought’.

“ _Dean, I’m sor—_ “ 

“Leave it Lisa,” he stopped her again. He can’t listen to this now. “I’ll be by tomorrow to get my stuff, just have it all ready.” 

He doesn’t want to hear any more so he hangs up before she can give him some bullshit apology. Today really is not his day. Hopefully some quality brother bonding will help lift his mood.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sam arrives back at Bobby’s at around 5 after staying over a friend’s house to do work for a group project. 

He threw his book bag on the dining room table, and then swiftly took it off again when Bobby gave him a pointed look.

Dean was making dinner in the kitchen, slicing and dicing every vegetable (which Sam insists on having) and boiling water ready for the pasta. 

Cooking was something he enjoyed doing and hell, he did it well, if he does say so himself. He enjoys it just as much as working on classic cars but no one else needs to know that. Dean just loves working with his hands, getting stuck in and getting his hands dirty. ( _Enough innuendos there?_ )

He adds the vegetables to the pan, and throws the pasta into the simmering water.

Humming to himself he throws a towel over his shoulder and jumps when he hears, “ _Ow!_ Watch it Dean!” 

Apparently Sam decided to sneak up behind him at the wrong moment and the poorly timed prank back fired. Dean doubles over laughing and Sam turns bright red. 

“Oh my god, you dweeb,” Dean says after taking a deep breath to calm himself.

“Shut up, Jerk,” Sam mumbles.

“Whatever, bitch.” Dean says with affection. 

He loves his brother and the relationship he has with him. He’s kind of glad of all those years in close quarters, travelling with each other and their father. If that didn’t happen he probably wouldn’t be as close as he was with him now. Dean can tell Sam anything and Sam the same with Dean, and they never judge, unless the other is being an ass. Sure, they argue, but they’re brothers, that’s what brothers do. They’ve been at each other’s sides through every bump in the road and Dean’s certain that that won’t change any time soon.

Sam helps out with the dishes and helps Dean plate up. They take the food to the table and Bobby joins them. Dean loves dinner at Bobby’s. They enjoy each other’s company and exchange banter throughout the meal. He’s going to miss it when he moves into the dorms. Sure he’ll still see them on Sundays with Ellen and Jo but it’s different when it’s just Dean, Sam and Bobby. 

Once they finish their meal, Bobby tells them he’s heading out to the Roadhouse and leaves Dean and Sam to their ‘brotherly bonding time’.

Dean takes Sam out to the store to get some candy for their movie night. This is the only night Dean can coerce Sam into eating junk food, so they go all out. They get popcorn, Red Vines, M&Ms, Reese’s pieces, Cheetos, a whole pack of Vanilla Cola, and, of course, pie. _Mm pie_ , Dean thinks as he grabs a cherry flavoured one and an apple flavoured one. He sees Sam roll his eyes next to him and Dean says, “What? Can’t have movie night without pie.”

They arrive home and empty the contents of their bags onto the coffee table in front of the TV. Dean lets Sam pick the movie so he chooses to have an Indiana Jones trilogy night. (They both refuse to observe the existence of the supposed fourth movie)

Halfway through Raiders of the Lost Ark, after the running commentary Dean and Sam both provide to the movie, Sam turns to Dean and asks him how it went viewing the dorms this afternoon. 

“Fine, Sammy,” he doesn’t offer anything more than that.

“Dean, ‘Sammy’ is a chubby twelve year old, I’m nearly eighteen.” He finishes proudly.

Dean groans, “Don’t remind me Sammy,” he says pointedly, “You’re making me feel old.”

“Dude, you’re like two years older than me,” Sam states, with the additional eye roll. 

“Yeah, and don’t you forget it bitch. Respect your elders,” Dean says jokingly.

“Sure thing old man,”

At that rather rude statement, Sam gets an elbow to the side and his bowl of popcorn flies everywhere. Dean is in stitches and Sam sends him the most livid bitch face he has ever sent Dean’s way.

“You’re an asshole Dean.” Sam hisses. 

Sam starts to clean up muttering under his breath about his idiot brother, so Dean decides to help. 

By the time they finish cleaning up, the movie is at it’s most intense part and the brothers are quiet for the remainder. 

When the end credits start their ascent, Sam stops the movie and ejects the disc but doesn’t move from his spot to get it. He sits there watching Dean, and Dean starts to get a little uncomfortable under the scrutiny.

“Alright, what is it?” He asks, hoping Sam’s not going to initiate a chick-flick moment.

“You’ve been acting weird all day, what’s up?” Sam says.

Hope lost, Dean sighs and twiddles his fingers in his lap. He really didn’t want to get into this but Sam’s not going to let this go.

“What’d you think Sam? I found my girlfriend with another guy not even twenty four hours ago, I have to move into a dorm on campus and I’m pretty sure my new roommate hates me already,” 

His good mood gone, Dean now feels dejected. He’s a good person right? Why does the universe hate him so much?

“Lisa cheated on you?!”

Oh. Yeah, he kind of forgot to tell Sam that part. 

“Yeah,” he whispers, head hung low. He rubs at his eyes, to halt the tears building up there. Dean Winchester does not cry.

“Dean, Jesus, I’m sorry. I know you really liked her,” 

Dean huffs bitterly at that. Understatement of the century.

“Liked her? I think I loved her Sammy,” he answers solemnly, mumbling into his hands. 

He feels a tentative touch on his shoulder and relaxes a little. Sam can always provide much needed comfort, no matter how girly it seems. 

“As for your roommate Dean, I’m sure he just has to warm up to you. He’s been alone for the first two weeks of the semester; he’s probably just not used to having a roommate.”

Dean, glad for the change of subject, nods and grabs a slice of apple pie. Yeah, he’s comfort eating, but who gives a flying fuck, he’s miserable and he has every right to be. 

Sam gets up and exchanges Raiders of the Lost Ark for the Temple of Doom and presses play on the main menu. 

Dean’s glad for the silence. His day hasn’t exactly been the best. 

He and Sam fall back into the commentary after a while and, during the third movie, Sam and Dean fall asleep, just as Indiana gets his autograph from Hitler. 

Dean wakes to his feet being shoved off the coffee table. He looks up to a very red Bobby, too much whiskey he guesses, telling him and Sam to get their asses to bed. 

Dean sluggishly walks to bed with Sam in tow and flops on his bed. He’s asleep within seconds of his head hitting the pillow, dreaming of deep blue eyes and strong jaw lines.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Bet U Wish U Had Me Back by Halestorm. (New found love)
> 
> For updates follow me on tumblr - i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com
> 
> Kudos and comments appreciated!


	6. Sympathy For The Devil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the day Dean moves in and Castiel is not looking forward to it.

Today was the day. The day Castiel had dreaded throughout the summer. The day he thought would never happen after arriving at college and finding out he needn’t worry. The day he loses his freedom. The day he loses his privacy. Heck, he could walk around naked in his dorm room if he wanted (not that he ever did) but now that wasn’t even a possibility. Dean Winchester was moving in and there wasn’t a thing he could do to stop it. 

But did he really want to stop it?

Yes. Yes, of course he did. Just because Dean is probably the most gorgeous thing on God’s good earth, it won’t stop Castiel from being enraged. 

Okay, fair enough that he wasn’t meant to be on his own in the first place but he’d gotten used to being on his own for the first few weeks of the semester. Even his anxiety seemed to withdraw to make room for his anger. That was the only thing Castiel was thankful for, that his anger had taken over and forced his anxiety back. He doesn’t think he would be able to deal with it if his irritation hadn’t taken control of his other emotions.

As much as Castiel would like to, he can’t stay in the warmth of his duck feather duvet, or the soft caress of his memory foam mattress (Hey he got a pretty generous student loan, so sue him for splurging a little). He has to get up before Dean starts to move his things into the room. 

Just as he’s about to get up his dorm door flies open, and all he sees is a red blur before he’s being sat on by an unknown entity.

“What the-“

“Rise and shine sleepy head!”

Charlie. Of course it would be Charlie. She takes great pride in rousing Castiel from sleep because she just loves to wind him up, especially in the mornings when he’s in his most grouchy state.

Castiel rolls towards the wall and cocoons himself in his duvet and grumbles, “I don’t wanna,” like a child who doesn’t want to go to school. 

Charlie sighs and Castiel feels the weight lift off the bed. She must’ve given up, he thinks but that train of thought it quickly disrupted by his bedding being ripped from his grasp. He tumbles from the bed with a thump and curses Charlie for being an assbutt. 

“Wow, Cas” she says with mock disbelief, “you never swear,” She lifts her eyebrows and widens her eyes to exaggerate her point until she bursts into laughter and Castiel just glares at her. 

“Shut up Charlie.” He says in irritated. He is really not in the mood for this right now.

When Charlie calms down, she sits next to where Castiel is still sat on the floor with his back to the bed. She puts a comforting arm around his shoulders and rests her head in the crook of his neck. She takes a moment to find the right words.

“I know this is a lot to take in Cas, and I know you haven’t had time to adjust to it, but just remember that if it ever gets too much, you know where I am, okay?”

She lifts her head from his shoulder when he doesn’t answer her and takes his face in her hands.

“Listen to me; you just need to get to know him. He’s probably just as nervous about this as you are. If you judge him before you get to know him, this whole situation is going to get pretty awkward and I don’t want you to go ‘dark-side Cas’ again."

Castiel searches her eyes for a moment, only to see complete sincerity and love. He knows what Charlie means by ‘dark-side Cas’ and he definitely does not want to fall into that hole again. He almost didn’t survive that part of his life and he doesn’t want to relive it. 

Castiel nods and starts to get up but Charlie still has a tight hold on him.

“Seriously Cas, I can’t go through that again,” she says with tears welling up in her eyes, “If there are any problems, even the tiny most miniscule thing, come to me and we’ll work it out. Okay?” She says again with a more pleading tone. He almost forgot that it was as hard for Charlie back then as it was for him. 

“Of course, Charlie,” he confirms with certainty.

Charlie nods and gives him a small smile before standing up and reaching a hand out to help Castiel to his feet. It’s wonderfully symbolic of their relationship. Charlie was always there for him when he needed to be picked up. Even through his darkest moments she was there to shine a light. 

“Okay then,” she says wiping her eyes, where a few stray tears had fallen, “you need to clean up a bit in here before Dean comes over.”

Castiel chuckles and his bad mood is pushed aside. He certainly does need to clear up a little. He’s got books strewn everywhere, candy bar wrappers littering his bedside table and two pizza boxes and cans from when him and Charlie ordered pizza the night previous. He also had yet to unpack some boxes that have made a home around and on Dean’s new bed.

Castiel sighs and sets to work with Charlie helping him. They get it done in no time and they congratulate themselves with a can of Coke each.

A few hours go by and Dean still hasn’t shown up to move his things in. It’s a bit frustrating for Castiel when he spent most of his morning trying to get his stuff organised so Dean could actually get to his bed. 

It gets to about four in the afternoon and Castiel is fuming. Where the hell is Dean? Why hasn’t he turned up? He would ask Anna but she’s at her family’s house for dinner. Castiel wills himself not to get too caught up on the subject of family so he stands to go to Anna’s room to get Dean’s number. He’s not going to let this be without an explanation. 

“Cas, what are you doing?” Charlie says curiously. She had fallen asleep on the couch after their meal and stirred when Castiel moved her legs from his lap. 

“I’m going to try and get Dean’s number, I have to find out where—“

Just as he’s about to finish his sentence they hear heavy footsteps walking into the common room. It’s Dean. He pokes his head around the corner, looking for Castiel. When his eyes meet Castiel’s his stomach twists unpleasantly. Dean looks exhausted. His under eyes are dark, his hair is sticking up every which way, like he’d been pulling at it and his eyes are red rimmed and puffy, like he’d been crying. 

“Hey guys,” he says weakly with a half-smile. Castiel could hear in his voice that he’d been shouting, due to its low tone and huskiness. If he hadn’t seen his face it would’ve been damn arousing.

“Dean, are you okay?” Charlie says with unease. Castiel can tell she doesn’t want to upset Dean further.

Dean drops his head and sighs, not from irritation but from enervation. 

“I’m fine,” he says feebly, not convincing anyone, “is it okay if I move my stuff in now?” he pleads, obviously wanting a subject change.

Castiel nods and asks, “Do you need any help?” trying to be as comforting as possible. 

Dean politely declines and moves away from the entrance to the common room. He hears Dean shuffle down the hallway and out to the stair well. He turns to Charlie and she looks just as taken aback as he feels. Dean seemed so cheerful yesterday; he was friendly and tolerated Castiel being a complete jerk to him. Wow, did Castiel feel bad now. 

“He is definitely not okay,” Charlie says, as she stretches her back. 

“You think?” Castiel replies, voice dripping with sarcasm. “I think it best not to pry though.”

Charlie gave him an ‘are-you-kidding-me?’ type of look and said, “He obviously needs someone to talk to. When he comes back up we’ll tell him that we’re here if he needs us. If he wants to talk, he’ll come to us." She nods in confirmation to herself and moves off the couch to make some coffee in the kitchen. 

Castiel doesn’t like this idea. It makes him a little uncomfortable. He’d been hesitant to tell Charlie about his problems at the start of their friendship and the only time he really opened up was when he couldn’t hold it in any longer. He had trouble talking about his own issues let alone listening to another’s.

He joins Charlie in the kitchen as she makes the coffee. She pulls out three mugs and pours in the coffee from the coffee maker. She doesn’t know how Dean takes it so she just leaves it black for him to add what he likes. When she’s finished she takes a sip from her own cup and gestures for Castiel to take his. He does and tips the mug up a little to taste it. He screws up his face at the bitterness and scowls at Charlie.

“Even after all these years you still don’t know how I like my coffee,”

She lifts her free hand up in surrender and replies, “Sorry jeez,” with an affectionate huff. 

Castiel makes his coffee how he likes it and they hear Dean coming back down the hallway. He walks past the kitchen and into their room.

Charlie puts Dean’s coffee, the milk and the sugar on a tray and moves her head in the direction Dean went. 

When they walk through the door Dean is dropping two boxes down on the bed. He turns around and spots the coffee on the tray.

“Is that for me?” Dean says with slight disbelief in his voice.

“Yeah”, Charlie says hesitantly, “I didn’t know how you liked it so…” she lifts the tray to support her sentence and places it on the desk on Dean’s side of the room. 

“Are you sure you don’t want any help, Dean?” Castiel says cautiously.

“I’m fine,” Dean snaps. He sighs and then quickly adds, “I’m sorry. I just… It’s been a really long day”

“Understandable,” Castiel says. _We all have those days_ , he thinks sadly. 

“If you need anything at all Dean, we’ll be just around the corner,” Charlie says sincerely. Castiel must commend her for her caring nature; it’s another quality that Castiel admires.

“Thanks Charlie,” Dean says a little forlornly. He starts to go through his boxes and Castiel thinks it’s his time to leave, so he turns to walk out of the room but Charlie grabs his arm and uses her death grip. She nods her head towards Dean and seeing that Castiel doesn’t understand what she’s on about she sighs.

“Dean,” she pauses so she knows she’s got Dean’s attention and the continues, “if you ever need to talk about anything, we’re here, okay?” 

Dean looks away and nods slowly. Content with her answer she drags Castiel out, smiles warmly at Dean and then leaves him to sort his things. 

Once back in the common room Castiel glares at Charlie.

“What the hell was that Charlie?” he says, shouting through a whisper as to not let Dean hear him. 

“That? That’s called being friendly Castiel. He’s hurting so I was just reaching out to him.” She retorts, crossing her arms and raising an eyebrow, daring Castiel to answer.

He doesn’t, so he just throws his arms in the air in defeat and moves to throw himself on the couch, face first into the cushion. Charlie slaps his feet so she can sit down after she puts on Star Wars.

About half way through the movie, Dean once again pops his head around the corner.

“I hear Star Wars,” he declares moving further into the room. 

“You heard right,” Castiel says, sitting up to make room for Dean. 

Dean squeezes in between Charlie and Castiel. Castiel can’t concentrate on the movie anymore. All he can focus on is the heat of Dean’s knee hovering next to his. And… OMG, Dean is moving his arm behind Castiel’s head. _He is moving his arm right behind Castiel’s freaking head._ It takes all of his will power not to sink into it and rest his head on that strong shoulder. 

When the movie is over, Castiel didn’t notice that all the other housemates had arrived back from their days out. But he did notice that Dean had fallen asleep on his shoulder. He shook Dean’s shoulder lightly to rouse him but it just caused Dean to wrap around Castiel like he had multiple arms and legs. Charlie turned to Castiel and winked, gestured towards Dean and cooed. Everyone around them chuckled and the loud noise is what awoke Dean. 

He snorted awake and when he noticed his limbs where wrapped around Castiel, he blushed and moved away.

“I think I’ll be going to bed now,” he said, his sleep-thick voice doing nothing to hide the embarrassment that was evident there. 

Everyone said goodnight and Castiel and Charlie took this as their time to go as well. Castiel walks Charlie to the stairwell so she can return to her own dorm. She turns to Castiel with a smirk on her lips and a mischievous glint in her eye.

“That was the most adorable thing I have ever seen,” she says, sniggering. 

Castiel rolls his eyes with such force he actually makes himself dizzy.

“Shut up Charlie, and go to bed,” he grumbles and pushes her towards the door.

“Okay, okay! I’m gone,” she turns to leave but takes a step back towards Castiel and gives him a kiss on the cheek. It’s sweet, until she slaps him on the ass and says, “Go get him tiger,” in a husky, seductive tone. 

Castiel physically pushes her out and into the stairwell. He returns to his room and sees that Dean is already passed out on his bed. After getting ready for bed, Castiel gets under the covers and is just about to drift off when he hears a mumbled, “Night, Cas.” 

“Goodnight Dean” he replies and he might just fall asleep with a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a lot longer than the others...
> 
> Chapter title is Sympathy For The Devil by The Rolling Stones, I thought it was appropriate from Cas' perspecitve...
> 
> For updates follow me on tumblr - i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com
> 
> Kudos and Comments appreciated!


	7. Hate It When You See Me Cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean collects his things from Lisa's and it does not go well.

Sundays were normally days Dean looked forward to. He’d wake up early to get ready then go over to the Roadhouse to help Ellen cook the traditional Sunday roast. They would create a meal large enough for twenty people, even though there were only five of them. 

Dean would reach the Roadhouse and the chicken and beef would already be roasting in the oven. This gave Dean the chance to cook the roast and mashed potatoes, other vegetables (which, once again, were requested by Sammy) and the gravy. While Dean was busy with this, Ellen would be baking the most delicious pies since his own mother’s. She would make two different flavours each week, one flavour she had made before and a completely new filling that she was experimenting with. 

Jo would come in to help out around one o’clock and Dean would tease her about being so lazy. Jo was like a sister to him so he was allowed to make fun of her. She would shove him and Ellen would chastise her for being so un-lady like. 

Just as Dean and Ellen would put the finishing touches on the meal, Sam and Bobby would turn up and help Jo set the table out in the main area of the Roadhouse. The Roadhouse was always shut on a Sunday to accommodate this custom and it made the day all the more special to Dean that Ellen would give up extra profit to have a whole day for their makeshift family.

Lisa had been there too for the past 7 months. She seemed to fit in quite well with their clan, or so Dean thought. 

This was one Sunday he was not looking forward to.

Dean woke to his phone blaring Used to Love Her by Guns n Roses, which Dean thought was oh so fitting, maybe not the whole ‘killing’ part of the song, but certainly some parts. Or maybe the 'killing' parts. 

He was reluctant to get out of bed, but he knew if he didn’t, he never would, and he had to get this over and done with. 

Dean didn’t know whether or not to go looking his best or how he would normally look. He wanted to spite her for making him so miserable. In the end he chose to not make such an effort and go as he normally would, so it looked like he hadn’t been affected, when really he felt like he was falling apart. 

He left without breakfast because he just couldn’t stomach it. He tried not to think too much about what would happen while he was over there otherwise he would completely over think and decide not to chance it. But he needed to do this; otherwise he would never get the closure he required to move on. 

He was in the Impala before he knew it and was on his way to Lisa’s. It used to be their apartment. Dean had agreed to move in together and get an apartment near the college they would both be attending. Dean was really in love with this girl, since the longest he’d been with a girl or guy before her was about 6 hours (even he could admit to being a bit of a slut before he met her). 

As soon he was outside the apartment building the front door flew open and there was Lisa, hair a tangled mess, wearing sweat pants and… is that Dean’s favourite Zeppelin tee? Oh no. _Now she had gone too far._

She must’ve been waiting for Dean to come up the drive. _Pathetic_ , Dean thought. 

“Dean, please. Think about this.” He heard her say before he’d even stepped out of the car. For God’s sake, when was this bitch going to get it into her head that Dean didn’t want anything to do with her anymore? 

Dean fiercely believed that loyalty and trust were the most important things in a relationship, even simple friendship, and if that was mistreated or misused then Dean would have a hard time forgiving whoever betrayed him. Just like with his Dad. Dean was loyal and trustworthy of him throughout his childhood, and did he ever get that in return? No. He still loved the man, but he could never get over the lies and the constant promise to stop drinking that was never followed through. 

“Where’s my stuff Lisa?” he says ignoring her plea, and trying to be as calm as possible. 

“I want us to talk about this before you make your decision. Please Dean,” 

Again with the please. One simple word, that she probably doesn’t even mean, won’t make a difference to his decision. Dean really didn’t have the time or the patience for this. 

“There’s nothing to talk about Lisa,” he snaps, seeing her wince and following a tear make its way down her cheek, “I came home from Bobby’s early to find you with another guy, in our bed for Christ sake. I mean, we had sex the night before! Are you just so fucking desperate that one guy isn’t enough for you?!” 

Dean was yelling now, and he didn’t care who heard him, his face wet with tears that he hadn’t noticed were falling. Lisa stepped forward as if she was going to wipe the tears from his face; he didn’t want it, so he pushed her out of his way and went into their-her apartment to collect his stuff. 

He got as far as the bedroom door before his wrist was pulled back and he was spun around. 

“Dean please, there’s nothing we can’t do to fix this, I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking,” 

She leans in to kiss him and catches his lips with hers. For a moment Dean is shocked and then he succumbs to it. He feels the familiarity and falls back into the old routine. It's only when her tongue breaches his mouth does he push her back and snaps out of it. He's furious, not just at Lisa but at himself for falling for her trick. 

“What if I don’t want to fix this Lisa?" he says refusing to acknowledge the very wrong kiss. "There isn’t even anything to fix! You smashed it all to pieces when you _cheated_ on me,” he hissed and he really wasn’t far from slapping her in the face. He would never hit a woman but she would not let Dean go.

“How long had this been going on Lisa?” he said, trying to calm himself down to no avail. 

“I don’t see how—“

“TELL ME LISA!” he screamed, and she drops to her knees. She hangs her head and whispers, “About two months,”

That’s all Dean can take, he retches his arm from her grip and storms into the bedroom to get his stuff. He can still hear Lisa’s pleading but doesn’t listen to the words. He needs to get out, before he does something he knows he’ll regret. 

Once he has all his things gathered, which isn’t really that much, just his clothes, a few books and movies, and some photos, he picks up the two boxes he shoved them in and walks out of the apartment. He puts the two boxes in the back seat of the Impala and slams the door. He can see Lisa running towards him shouting at him now for being an asshole and for not listening to her side of the story. He doesn’t care anymore. He just wants to get out of here and not have to hear all the bullshit that leaves that girl's mouth.

Before he opens the door to the front seat he turns to Lisa, fuming, “Shut the _fuck_ up. I am _sick_ of your bullshit apologies. You _cheated_ on me and I will _never_ forgive you. Have fun with that new home wrecker of yours and tell him he can have your slutty ass. I don’t want it. Goodbye Lisa.”

That seemed to shut her up, so he yanks the car door open and drops into the seat. He turns his baby on and is driving away before he’s even fully shut the door. 

He knows he should be going to his new dorm to move his things in but he really needs to calm down before he does anything else. So he drives, with no intended destination. After a while he finds an empty field and parks the car. He steps out and walks to the front of his baby. He screams up towards the heavens and drops to the ground. He is livid. She had the audacity to blame him for this and he couldn’t take bottling up his anger anymore.

He jumps to his feet and stalks to the trunk of his car. He opens it and lifts the ‘secret’ compartment where he keeps his car tools. He picks out a crow bar and shuts the hood with a bang. Before he even realises what he’s doing he’s already smashed up two windows and the wind mirror on the left side. He thinks he might as well make it even, so he runs to the other side of the car and does so. 

He gets so caught up in his emotions that he doesn’t realise how much damage he’s doing to his baby. All he can think about is how furious he is about Lisa, and after a while it’s not just about Lisa, it’s about his dad, the lingering devastation of his mother’s death, all the times that he’s felt so upset he had caused a fight or had sex to hide his insecurities, most of his high school teachers that said he'd never amount to anything. The list goes on and when he gets so tired he can’t even stand anymore, that’s when it hits him that he just destroyed the one constant in his life.

It might seem weird but the beauty that was his treasured ’67 Chevy Impala was Dean’s escape when he was upset or angry. It was the car he had so many memories in, like bickering with his brother about his music choices, having his dad in the driver’s seat when he was sober enough to drive, having sex in the back with an extremely bendy cheerleader, carving his and Sam’s initials under the carpet with their dad’s knives and even a fading memory of his mother's golden blonde hair in the front passenger seat.

Dean just breaks down. He is physically and emotionally exhausted. He doesn’t have the strength to pick himself off the ground so he just sits there for what feels like hours.

When he does muster up some strength he reaches for his cell in his jacket pocket. There’s only one person he can call who would help him, both with a friendly face and a tow truck.

“Hey son, what’d ya want?”

He opens his mouth but no words come out, just croaky, broken vowels that make no sense. He coughs away the worst of it and hoarsely whispers, “Bobby, could you pick me up?”

“Where are you boy?” Bobby asks, gruff but calmingly so. Dean needed to hear that familiar voice to bring him back to earth again. 

Dean looks around him to see where he actually is, since he didn’t exactly pay attention before.

“Near the farmhouse west of town,” he says, his voice rough, as if he’d been gargling nails. 

“Okay, I’ll be there in twenty minutes,”

Bobby’s just about to hang up when Dean says, “Bring a tow,”

He hears a sigh on the other end of the line and hangs up before Bobby can tell him what a huge disappointment he is. That’s what he was going to say, right? He’d be surprised if he didn’t hear it from him soon. He had heard it from his father, teachers at high school, Lisa and even Sam once. It’s bound to come from Bobby at some point. 

Before he drowns in his emotional stupor, he hears the familiar rumble of the tow truck driving over the grass. Bobby steps out and walks over to Dean, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. Dean lifts himself up off the ground and opens the wrecked door to the back seat. He grabs the two boxes, shaking and struggling to lift them. Before he loses his balance Bobby takes them and makes his way to the truck without a word and puts them in the middle of the bench seat. Dean moves to attach the Impala to the tow truck but Bobby stops him. He looks at Dean with a fatherly concern, softly says, “Come ‘ere boy,” and yanks Dean into a warm embrace. Dean breaks down for the second time today in Bobby’s arms and he doesn’t care if it’s not manly. Screw his dad and his strict views on boys being masculine. He wants to cry and he’s gone years keeping up the macho pretence, so goddammit he will cry. 

“It’s okay son,” he hears Bobby say into his ear, and that statement makes Dean cry even more.

Never did he hear his own father say that to him. All he heard from his father were expletives and complaints about how bad his sons were and how he wished they were more grateful. Dean spent the entirety of his childhood trying to prove himself to the stubborn bastard. He would try his best to not step out of line with the man, but the smallest things set him off. 

When Dean calmed down a little, Bobby pulled back from the embrace, but kept an arm over his shoulder. He led him to the passenger side of the truck and helped him inside. 

"We'll fix her back up," he thinks he hears Bobby say.

Once inside Dean just stares out of the windshield and blanks out, feeling numb. He's all cried out and he has that tingling feeling all over his body that you feel when you’ve cried too hard for too long. He doesn’t even remember Bobby getting back in the truck and driving back to his place.

All he remembers is being led up the steps of Bobby’s front porch and laid down on the ratty old couch before the darkness took over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is in two parts since it was getting too long for one chapter. The next chapter will be the second half, so it'll still be in Dean's POV. I have a pretty good idea of where this fic is going and I'll be on Easter break as of next week so expect regular updates. It may be quite a few chapters long.
> 
> Chapter title is Hate It When You See Me Cry by Halestorm.
> 
> For updates follow me on tumblr or for a chat - i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com
> 
> Kudos and comments appreciated!


	8. This Is The Best Day Ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean finally reaches his new dorm, not in the best of states, but it'll have to do.

Dean wakes up with a start. He’s sweating, shaking and his eyes are wet but he doesn’t remember the dream. Or nightmare. Whatever it was has him feeling like shit and he lies back down to return to his sleep. Then he notices the time on the clock on the fireplace. Half past three.

“Shit!” he exclaims, the expletive catches on his throat causing him to cough. 

He hears heavy footsteps walk into the front room. Bobby appears in the doorway with his signature ratty baseball cap on top of his sweaty head. He must’ve been working on a few cars.

“What’s wrong?” Bobby says as he leans on the doorframe.

“I was supposed to go to the dorms to sort my stuff out. Could you give me a ride?”

Dean stands and starts putting his boots on. He can feel Bobby’s eyes on the back of his head. 

“Are you sure you’re up for that?” Bobby says sceptically.

“I’m fine Bobby,” he snaps. 

Bobby holds his hands up in surrender and says, “Alright, alright, sorry I hurt your feelings princess,” 

Dean rolls his eyes and pushes past Bobby to go out to the front yard. He spots his baby, still attached to the tow truck. He quickly averts his eyes as to not see the amount of damage he inflicted upon her. 

Bobby follows behind as Dean moves around his baby cautiously and gets his boxes from inside the tow truck. He then follows Bobby to his own truck and gets in the passenger side. He switches on the radio to avoid any and all conversation. He doesn’t feel like talking, and even if he did he couldn’t since his throat feels like he swallowed sandpaper. 

They reach the dorms and Dean steps out, mumbles something to Bobby about being back for his boxes in a second and continues to the doors. 

He gets to the main door and is just about to open it when he notices his state in the glass. His eyes are puffy and red, still not calmed down from his breakdown. Under them are dark shadows, his hair is a mess and his clothes are all in disarray. He doesn’t bother with trying to correct it though; he just yanks the door open and trudges up the two flights of stairs to get to his floor. 

What a great way to make a first impression. Showing up hours late, looking like trash and having to force yourself to talk. Today has been the best day of Dean Winchester’s life. _Yay, for sarcasm._

When he reaches his floor he takes a deep breath. 

“Here goes nothing,” he mutters to himself, the worst pep talk he has ever given himself.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ He walks down the hall and pokes his head around the entrance of the common room. Charlie and Castiel are the only ones in the room, Charlie sat on the couch and Castiel stood just in front of her.

“Hey guys,” Wow that was pitiful Dean, he thinks to himself. He internally winces at the sound of his voice, low and husky. He tries to give them a smile but it feels unnatural on his face.

“Dean, are you okay?” Charlie says, her eyes full of concern. Or is it pity? Dean doesn’t know. He drops his head before he can find out. He can hear in her voice that she’s trying not to upset him. 

“I’m fine,” he says weakly. Seriously Dean. It’s downright sad how pathetic you sound right now. He lifts his head and tries to quickly change the subject with, “Is it okay if I move my stuff in now?”

He sees Castiel nod slowly and ask, “Do you need any help?”

Dean shakes his head with a no, “I haven’t got much, thanks anyway.” And with that, he takes his leave. 

Well, that went better than expected. He was expecting more shouting and him being told to hit the road. But he’ll take it. 

He gets back outside to Bobby’s truck and picks up his boxes. He nods to Bobby and mumbles a quick ‘thanks’ and ‘see you at work’ and that’s it. He can’t deal with any more social interaction and he doesn’t want to. He just needs to get inside and get busy before his mind starts wondering. 

Dean gets back into the dorm room and drops his two dismal boxes on the bed. When he turns around however, he does not expect to see Charlie and Castiel standing in the doorway with a steaming mug of what he guesses is coffee.

“Is that for me?” Dean says, a little disbelieving that they would make him the coffee in the first place. He thought they would just avoid him and give him some space. Dean doesn’t know whether to be flattered or annoyed.

“Yeah”, Charlie says hesitantly, “I didn’t know how you liked it so…” she lifts the tray to support her sentence and places it on the desk on Dean’s side of the room. Okay, Dean is flattered. 

“Are you sure you don’t want any help, Dean?” Castiel says, after a few beats of silence.

“I’m fine” Dean snaps. Now that was uncalled for, he thinks. He sighs, letting all the air out of his lungs to release the pressure there, “I’m sorry. I just… It’s been a really long day.” “Understandable,” Castiel says. 

Dean looks to Charlie and she nods a little and gives him a comforting smile before she says, “If you need anything at all Dean, we’ll be just around the corner,”

He has to look away at that point; this conversation is starting to make him incredibly uncomfortable. He murmurs his thanks to Charlie and turns to his things, hoping they get the hint that the conversation is over. 

He sees Castiel move to walk out in his peripheral vision and Charlie grabs his arm. She’s trying to get Castiel to do something but it doesn’t seem to get through to him, as she lets his arm go with a frustrated huff. 

“Dean,” Charlie says and Dean looks back to see her looking at him with pleading eyes and concern evident in the creases of her brow, “if you ever need to talk about anything, we’re here, okay?”

Dean wasn’t expecting that. He’d just met these people and they were already offering a shoulder to cry on. He had never had someone take an interest in him like Charlie did. Hell, the only friend he had who was actually really bothered about his wellbeing, apart from Sam and Bobby who were practically obligated to, was Jo and that’s because she was practically family. Sure he had plenty of friends in high school, but they weren’t really the ‘friendship-bracelet-talking-about-our-feelings’ type friends. To see the genuine concern in Charlie’s features was new to Dean and he didn’t know what to do with that.

Dean nods slowly and receives a warm smile from Charlie and an apologetic one from Castiel. He watches them leave and then returns to his things. 

He starts with the box of his clothes, since he’d rather get that out of the way first. There are sliding doors for the small built-in wardrobe on his side of the room, so he pulls them across and finds that there’s a pile of hangers on the floor of it. Thank God, Dean thinks since he didn’t think to bring any with him in his haste to get out of… Do you know what? We will stop that train of thought right in its tracks, thank you. 

He physically shakes his head and gets on with the job. He doesn’t have that many clothes, just a few pairs of jeans (mostly with holes in), t-shirts (mostly band ones), a few hoodies and a lot of plaid shirts, so it takes him less than twenty minutes to get it all packed away. 

When he’s finished that he starts sifting through the next box. There are a few cubby holes in the wardrobe where he puts his small collection of DVDs and books. 

When he reaches the bottom of the box there are a few framed photos, one of him and Sam, another of his mom and dad, before the fire, and then there’s one of him and Lisa. Why the hell did he pick that up? He tuts to himself, annoyed for being so stupid. 

He yanks the photo out of the frame, a silver frame with text at the bottom that says ‘Best Boyfriend’, and rips it to pieces. He crosses to the window in between his and Castiel’s beds and casts the ugly picture out of it, watching as the wind carries the pieces of the torn image in different directions, parting the picture of Dean and Lisa forever. It’s incredibly symbolic.

As soon as that’s done, he feels as though a huge weight is lifted from his shoulders. He might still need to get his favourite Zeppelin tee from her, but there’s a feeling of finality and relief that washes over him when the broken photo disappears from his line of sight. 

He looks around his side of the room and feels content with how it looks. He can get used to living here. 

He notices a photo on Castiel’s bedside table and grows curious. He doesn’t want to be nosy but fuck it. He picks up the picture and is warmed by the image he sees. A younger Castiel is smiling at the camera, a real smile like he’s just been laughing, with his arm over a boy who looks exactly like him. His twin Dean guesses. The only way he could ever tell that it was Castiel with his arm around the other boys shoulder, was the mess of raven black hair on the top of his head. The other boy’s hair is styled and brushed to one side. He looks really happy, Dean thinks, a stark difference to the Castiel he’s seen so far.

He carefully places the photo on the table and thinks that’s enough snooping for one day. 

He realizes that he didn’t drink the coffee that Charlie kindly left for him. _Shame_ , Dean thinks, he could’ve used that coffee, considering how tired he is. 

He takes the mug down to the kitchen and tips the coffee out into the sink, washes the remnants of coffee grounds out of the bottom, finds the cupboard for the mugs and sets it inside. 

He’s just about to return to his room when his ears perk up like a dog. Was that a lightsaber I just heard? He hears it again and practically bolts to the common room where, sure enough, Castiel and Charlie are sat watching Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back to be precise. 

“I hear Star Wars,” Dean announces as he enters. Castiel turns around and smiles, almost the smile he saw in the picture by his bed, and says, “You heard right,” as he takes his feet down from the middle of the couch. 

Dean squeezes in between Charlie and Castiel and gets comfortable. He can feel the heat of Castiel’s knee next to his and he takes a leap by putting an arm around the back of Castiel’s head. He can see Castiel stiffen slightly at the movement but he settles after a moment and continues to watch the movie.

Dean drifts in and out of consciousness throughout the movie and is completely consumed by his exhaustion just before Han Solo is frozen in a block of carbonite.

He dreams about receiving a glorious blow job from an unknown figure, as the only thing he can see is a mop of black hair bobbing up and down on his cock. He feels his shoulder being jostled and the mysterious person lifts their head. Dean is greeted by lust blown eyes where he can see that faintest hint of blue around the edge of black. Castiel smirks at him and whispers his name. Just as Castiel is about to go back down on him, he is startled by laughter, bringing him back into consciousness. 

He embarrassingly snorts awake at the sudden noise and feels a warm presence in his arms. He looks up to see Castiel looking down at him, the corners of his mouth turned up into a small smile. He feels himself blush and removes his arms from Castiel. 

“I think I’ll be going to bed now,” he says hurriedly, avoiding the gaze of the other students in the room, rising to walk to his room. He leaves quickly to hide the raging boner he’s got going on and enters the room. Did he seriously just have a sex dream about Castiel? Sure he’s hot, okay ridiculously attractive, but he just met the guy yesterday. Well, he’s known people for less time, before he does the deed. He just said hi to a girl once and was fucking her into the mattress just minutes later. But he can’t do that. It would be really awkward if he did it with his roommate. He didn’t want to make either of them uncomfortable with their living situation so he wills himself to just forget about it. 

When he’s changed into his sweats, he flops down on to the bed to let sleep take over. He hears Castiel come in quietly and shuffle around before settling into the bed opposite Dean.

“Night, Cas,” he says, sleepily.

Just as he slips into oblivion he hears a whispered, “Goodnight Dean,” and with the last strength he has, the corners of his mouth turn up into a peaceful smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is This Is The Best Day Ever by My Chemical Romance... oh the irony.
> 
> For updates follow me on tumblr - i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com
> 
> Let me know what you think:3
> 
> Kudos and comments appreciated!


	9. In These Arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel has a bad dream, enter Dean.

Castiel is running. Fast. But not fast enough. He can’t get away. The laughing and the name calling and the foul language, it’s all there. Individual shouting blurring together into a chant, “FAGGOT, FAGGOT, FAGGOT!” 

He can’t escape it. He’s pushed hard into a wall; the impact makes his entire body ache and pulse. He feels over-sensitive. Everything hurts worse than it should. A punch to the face, a kick to the stomach, a hit from every possible angle. The wall is gone, now he’s on the floor, trying to protect himself from the abuse being inflicted on his body by faceless figures. 

The scene changes. He’s at his home, or old home. He’s sat in the bathroom with his razor. An old friend. His arms are red with blood. He opens the cabinet behind the mirror, takes out a bottle of pills and swallows the contents. He blacks out. Charlie is in the bathroom when he comes around. She’s violently shaking his shoulder. 

“CAS! CASTIEL PLEASE! DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” she pleads.

“CAS! CAS WAKE UP! WAKE UP! CASTIEL!”

That’s not Charlie.

His eyes snap open. He’s not in his old house. It’s blurry for a moment before he gathers his bearings. He’s in his dorm room. He’s shaking and sweating and his throat hurts.

Dean stands above him with a worried, almost terrified expression. It’s his first night in the dorm and Castiel is already making it awkward. He doesn’t care though. He tugs on Dean and pulls him down onto his bed. He needs contact, a warm body to protect him from the evils that lurk in the shadows.

He sobs into the t-shirt of Deans pajamas. Castiel fears he’ll pull away, push at him and tell him that it’s weird, and shout at Castiel for acting like a ‘faggot’. But he does something Castiel does not expect. Dean moves, but not away from Castiel, he moves so the smaller boy can rest his head on his chest. He gathers his arms around Castiel in a protective embrace, rubbing comforting circles in the middle of his back. 

Castiel can hear Dean making soothing sounds, “Shhh. It’s okay; it was just a bad dream. You’re okay now,” 

Castiel’s sobbing subsides after a while, however silent tears still fall. Dean moves to let Castiel fall asleep on his own, but Castiel’s grip on the larger boy’s t-shirt tightens.

“Don’t go, please,” he implores, still needing the warm presence to reassure him that he’s okay.

He looks to Dean with a pleading look and he nods above him, whispering, “Okay.”

Castiel can’t fall asleep. Every time his eyes close, the only image he can see is Charlie’s horrified face as she struggles to wake him. 

He just listens to Dean’s heartbeat. Steady, even beats that keep him grounded. His head lifts with each breath that Dean takes and after a while, they become regular and constant. 

It shouldn’t feel so natural, to be lying in Dean’s arms. But it does. The weight of the arms around Castiel feels right. It should feel alien and not as comfortable as it feels. They met not even 48 hours ago and Castiel feels so abnormally contented wrapped in Dean’s embrace. 

He hopes this night, or morning, never ends.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

But it has to. 

Castiel wakes alone in his bed. Of course Dean left. He must’ve been freaked out by Castiel’s neediness so he left the first chance he got, no matter how much Castiel wanted him to be there when he awoke.

Castiel looks to his alarm clock on his bedside table. 9 a.m. Thank God he doesn’t have any classes until midday. 

He remembers the nightmare he had during the night previous. It was awful. He hadn’t had a dream like that in a while. To be honest, those sorts of dreams only resurface when he has… certain urges. Whenever he felt even remotely attracted to another guy, as soon as he fell asleep that night, the dreams returned. It felt like he was cursed. He couldn’t have feelings for a man without being haunted by the sickening images of his past. He can never escape it.

But the way Dean had made him feel so safe, so calm, just by being there, a warm presence to engulf him and pull him back into the now, it was so comforting and made Castiel feel, even if it was just for a little bit, it made him feel whole again. It may be nothing; it was probably just the reassurance from another person that did that for him. Yeah, that must be it.

Castiel is pulled out of his musings by his stomach, growling at him to fill it with food. He kicks away the covers, only now realizing that he slept with no shirt. Wow, awkward levels increased by 20%. After finding a shirt, Castiel moves into the hallway and into the kitchen. 

Anna is sat in one of the stools at the island in the middle of the kitchen. She sees Castiel walk in and smiles.

“Good morning, Castiel,” she says, far too happy for the morning, Castiel thinks. 

“G’mornin’,” He grumbles in return, earning a slight chuckle from the other girl.

“Not a morning person I see,” 

Castiel turns and watches as Anna raises her eyebrow at him, he sends her a glare and she, once again, chuckles at his actions. He potters about making a cup of coffee for himself, black he thinks, since he didn’t get much sleep last night. As the kettle is boiling, he pours some Fruit Loops into a bowl, adds milk and gets a spoon from the draw of utensils next to the fridge.

“How was Dean yesterday? He find moving in okay?”

Urgh, too many questions to answer in the morning. Brain not functioning to full capacity.

He tries to answer with the most coherent response he can manage.

“He was okay I guess, sort of, he didn’t really say much moving in, he mostly kept to himself,” Huh, that was a lot more intelligible than Castiel thought he could achieve.

Anna nods in acknowledgment. She knows he’s withholding information, but he’s too damn tired to participate in any form of conversation right now.

“Well, I’ve got to get into my adult shoes and get my ass to class. I’ll see you later Castiel,” she says after a sigh. She waves as she walks out of the kitchen and into her dorm. 

Castiel finishes making his coffee and heads into the common room, where it seems everyone else is either in class, work, or still in bed. All the better for him however.

He switches on the TV before sitting down on the couch, and setting his coffee down on the table. He aimlessly flicks through the channels until he comes across a rerun for one of his favourite guilty pleasures, Dr. Sexy M.D. He always had a thing for men in uniform and Dr. Sexy was definitely one of those men. He had stumbled across it one day, while he was sick and, initially found it ridiculous, unable to understand the concept of various doctors having sex with each other every 10 seconds, but, as it was marathoning that day, he found himself getting drawn into the frankly unrealistic storylines, and of course, to the hunky doctors. While other people thought Dr. Sexy wearing cowboy boots, instead of the proper footwear, found it absurd, Castiel found it endearing. 

Right now, Dr. Sexy was roughly making out with one of the student nurses in the janitors room.

“Dude, you watch Dr. Sexy M.D.?” he hears someone say and he nearly jumps out of his skin.

“Jesus Christ!” he shouts, as he turns around and realizes it’s Dean.

“Nope, I’m Dean,” he says with a smirk. 

Castiel blushes as soon as his eyes meet Dean’s. He looks away quickly to avoid the gaze of the other boy. His mind replays the last night’s events just for him and he’s pretty sure the rosy blush on his cheeks turns a deep crimson. 

Dean joins him on the couch; thankfully far enough away that Castiel can breathe a little. When Castiel looks up, Dean is too engrossed in the TV to notice him gawking. Dean’s hair is wet, so he must’ve had a shower. That’s where he was when he woke up. 

He watches as a single droplet of water runs down Dean’s neck, just behind his ear. He watches its course, descending on the tanned skin, over a small mole, into the dip of his collarbone and then disappearing under his shirt only to appear as a damp spot on his chest. What Castiel would’ve given to have licked that bead of water from his skin. 

“This show is ridiculous,” Dean says, bringing Castiel out of his reverie. 

“I can turn it over if you want,” Castiel replies, a little disappointed that he wouldn’t be able to see the outcome for Dr. Sexy and the sexy nurse. He reaches for the remote and is stopped when Dean grabs his wrist. He gets goose bumps at the contact, and all to soon, the hand is gone.

“No,” Dean answers instantly, “I mean… you can leave it on if you want, whatever,” he attempts to say coolly.

“Dean,” Castiel says with a smirk, “do you… like Dr. Sexy M.D.?” he finishes teasingly.

“No,” Dean snaps, wincing at his rapid response, “I mean, yeah, but it’s not like, my favourite show,” 

He looks down embarrassed, like he’s ashamed of liking such a show. 

“Well I like it,” Castiel says, trying to make Dean feel less discomfited, “it’s rather a guilty pleasure of mine,” he closes with a chuckle.

Dean looks up with a small smile on his face; “Really?” he asks Castiel disbelieving.

Castiel hums in confirmation and Dean’s smile turns mischievous as he leans in close enough to whisper, “It is for me too,” into Castiel’s ear. It makes him shiver, although he tries hard to hide it.

A silence falls over them and Castiel starts to feel a little uncomfortable, although Dean seems unfazed. Castiel feels as though he needs to apologize for the way he acted last night, for being so clingy and needy and just generally being a pain. It was probably a bit weird for Dean since it was only his first night in the dorm, and he had basically found out that his roommate is unstable.

“Dean,” he hesitates, to make sure he has Dean’s attention. As the other boy looks to him, he continues, “I apologize for the way I acted last night.”

Dean looks at Castiel for a moment as if he just sprouted a second head, and then it seems to click. Dean goes red and coughs awkwardly, “It’s alright, Cas. That dream seemed really bad so I was just… yeah,” he laughs nervously and rakes a hand through his damp hair, causing it to stick up at odd angles.

Castiel looks away from Dean. He feels the need to explain to Dean the reason for his behaviour, “It’s just that, whenever I have a nightmare, I have a need for human contact. I need to be reminded that I’m actually awake. And you were the closest available body so…”

His face feels as though it’s on fire.

“Dude, its fine,” Dean says comfortingly, “my brother used to have a lot of nightmares when he was younger and I used to help him get back to sleep, so it’s no problem,” he finishes sincerely.

It doesn’t seem to bother him anymore, so Castiel just nods and goes back to watching Dr. Sexy.

Castiel and Dean fall into easy conversation, commenting on the show and discussing the characters. They both share the same views on Dr. Piccolo, and how she needs to stop slapping Dr. Sexy all the time. Dean observes that the thing that makes Dr. Sexy, sexy, is the fact that he wears cowboy boots. Castiel agrees entirely.

After a while, Castiel gets a little suspicious about why Dean is still in the dorms.

“Dean, don’t you have any classes today?” he asks, tearing his eyes away from the scene reluctantly.

“Yeah, but I don’t start until twelve,” he replies slowly, still immersed in the story unfolding on screen. 

Castiel looks at the clock to the left of him, 11.26a.m. They’ve watched almost four episodes together already. 

“Do you want to walk over together?” he says hesitantly. What is he doing? Of course he won’t want Castiel to walk with him. He probably wants a little space from Castiel after last night. _God, he’s an idiot._

“Yeah, that’d be nice,” Dean says, peeling his eyes away from the screen to smile at Castiel. Dear Lord, that mouth. The things he would do to that mouth if he had the chance. Snap out of it Castiel. He’s most probably straight. As straight as a ruler. Although, the way Dean is staring at Dr. Sexy, its definitely not how a completely straight man would look at him… Maybe a bendy ruler.

“Dean it’s already half past eleven, we better get moving,” he says standing up.

Castiel looks at him expectantly, waiting for an answer. However, all Dean is doing is staring at the TV with a fascinated look on his face, mouth slightly open, eyes a little wide. Castiel rolls his eyes and kicks Dean’s shin lightly. Dean hums in acknowledgement.

“Dean, you’re going to be late if you don’t get ready now,” he says, “Hell, I’m going to be late,” 

Dean waves him off and says, “Yeah, yeah, I just want to find out what happens to Johnny Drake,”

“He dies and becomes a ghost,” Castiel deadpans, earning a shocked look from Dean.

“Dude, was that really necessary?” he asks Castiel, seemingly annoyed that Castiel spoiled the ending.

“If you want to get to class on time, yes,” Castiel says with a smirk, trying to hide his laughter. Dean really is a fan of the show. Maybe he shouldn’t tell him that his brother played a part in the show. No, he definitely won’t, that might lead to Dean asking about his family, and Castiel really can't deal with that.

Dean scoffs and rolls his eyes, getting to his feet. He moves past Castiel, nudging him on the way.

“Whatever, I’m ready anyway,” he says, trying to sound irritated but his smile gives him away.

“Yeah well,” Castiel says, having no come back.

They move down the hall together and Castiel goes into their dorm while Dean goes into the kitchen to get some coffee. Castiel proceeds to get ready, brushing his teeth, trying to do something with his hair, picking out some clothes.

When he takes his shirt off to change into a new one, he notices Dean by the door. He has two travel mugs in his hand and Castiel guesses one is his. 

“Is that for me?” Castiel says facing Dean.

Dean stares at him for a moment and Castiel starts to feel a little self-conscious. He quickly puts his clean shirt on and Dean snaps out of whatever world he was in.

“Um, yeah, I just thought, after you got me one yesterday I could uh… return the favour,” he stutters, giving a small, seemingly embarrassed smile at the end of his sentence.

Castiel outright grins and thanks Dean who returns the grin. They stare at each other for a few moments before Castiel starts to feel a blush building on his cheeks, so he smiles timidly and turns back to get his jacket. He checks the time on his alarm clock again, 11.43a.m. 

“Ready to go?” Castiel says, turning around to face Dean, who once again, is staring at Castiel. 

He notices that Castiel caught him in the act and blushes a little. _Aw cute_ , Castiel thinks. 

He starts walking towards the door and slips into his sneakers. Dean follows, putting on his boots. 

They walk out of the dorm room and Castiel shuts the door. Together, they walk towards the college, conversing easily and sneaking glances when they think the other isn’t looking. 

They part at the main doors and agree to meet each other there to walk back to the dorms together. 

During Castiel’s lecture, he fails to take any notes, his brain preoccupied, replaying the events of the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is In These Arms by Bon Jovi
> 
> For updates follow me on tumblr - i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com
> 
> Let me know what you think? Kudos and comments appreciated:3
> 
> I just want to say thank you to everyone who has supported this fic so far, either with your wonderful comments or the kudos! Considering this is my first ever fanfic I didn't think anyone would read it, so thank you!


	10. Sweet Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean recollects the events of the night previous and early morning in class and fails to take any notes for the assignment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinky times in this chapter...

During Dean’s Mechanical Engineering 101 class, there was nothing he could do but think about the events of last night and this morning. Well, he could be taking notes and actually learning something but there are more important matters at hand.

Like how strangely right it felt to have Castiel in his arms. That dream must’ve been terrible for Castiel to have woken up so fragile and vulnerable. It reminded him of when Sammy was younger and he woke up from nightmares about their father, and his drinking. He always felt extremely protective over Sam, and although he never elaborated about what the dreams were, he knew they would scare the boy enough to need Dean to sooth him back to sleep. 

When he had heard Castiel whimpering and mumbling in his sleep, he thought nothing of it. But after a while he could make out certain words, “Please stop” or, “It hurts.” He turned over to notice Castiel curled up in a ball with his hands over his head, in a protective foetal position. The mumbling turned to cries for help and then near screams before Dean got up to do something.

Dean got up out of his bed and crossed the room to where Castiel slept, tentatively, as though he was a mouse awaking a sleeping lion. 

He didn’t want to shock Castiel out of his dream, so he took to shaking his shoulder lightly. After a few tries, it didn’t work so he started to whisper Cas’ name. He seemed to stir slightly before thrashing on the bed and crying even more, shouting Charlie’s name. He started whispering with more force behind it and finally Castiel’s eyes snapped open.

He looked around the room, before locking his eyes on Dean and yanking him down onto his bed, shuffling towards the wall to make space for the larger boy. 

Dean was shocked at first, by the sheer force that Castiel used to pull him down more than the idea of being in his roommate’s bed, in a rather intimate situation.

Castiel cried into Dean's shirt, leaning over him to gain more contact. Dean had this overwhelming need to protect Castiel. He doesn’t know where it came from. Maybe it happened automatically through his subconscious because of all those years caring for his brother after a bad nightmare. Yeah, that must be it.

Whatever it was, it had Dean moving closer to the middle of the bed and pulling Castiel further onto his chest. He put a shielding arm around Castiel to try to calm him down. He felt Castiel relax at the touch and he himself relaxed at the confirmation that this was okay.

Castiel was still crying and shaking in his arms, so Dean starting whispering words of reassurance to calm Castiel and let him know he was safe. Once Castiel had calmed down enough that Dean thought he would be okay to fall back into unconsciousness, he started to move away, however the grip on his shirt tightened and Castiel looked up to meet Dean’s eyes.

The look on Castiel’s face made Dean’s heart bleed. His eyes were red-rimmed and puffy, from the fierce sobbing that followed the nightmare. The pleading look in his eyes when he spoke softly was enough to make Dean stay. To see someone look so broken and frail, just by a dream, it was enough to make anyone’s heart break. Dean wanted to delve into Castiel’s mind and pull out all the bad thoughts, all the bad memories, anything that made Castiel have such a dream in which it made him tremble and cry so violently. Dean knows from his own experiences, how real some nightmares can seem.

After that look, Dean pulled Castiel tighter and ignored the nagging little voice at the back of his head saying that this was a bad idea. That he’d just broken up with Lisa. That it was too soon to be doing something so intimate with someone so new. 

But Dean didn’t look at it that way. It was just an act of kindness, giving someone what they required in a time of need, nothing more. Sure, Dean felt something towards the boy, but that was just lust and would go away in time. He fell asleep with these thoughts swimming around in his mind.

When he woke up, he looked down at the sleeping form that was Castiel and smiled. In sleep, his face looked vastly different to how he had looked after the nightmare, just a few short hours ago. His once swollen eyes had subsided and the creases on his brow had levelled out. He scrunched up his nose and sleepily scratched it. Dean thought fondly of how much he looked like a cat.

At closer inspection and in the soft light if the sun, he noticed that Castiel's hair was in fact a dark, chocolate brown rather than the raven black that he spotted at first glance. Tentatively, careful not to wake Castiel, Dean brushed his fingers through the mess of Castiel's hair. The waves were soft under his fingers, despite the tangled look his hair has. Castiel stirred a little, his head moving further into Dean's hand, but luckily he didn't wake up.

Thinking all those sweet things had Dean distracted until he felt Castiel’s leg hook over his own, rubbing over his rather embarrassing morning wood. 

“Ah, crap,” Dean whispered, as the friction caused his erection to grow, effectively trading his sweet thoughts with rather dirty ones. 

He needed to get out of bed to sort himself out but he didn’t want to disturb Castiel. He gingerly peeled the very cosy duvet from their bodies. Dean thought he could pull an Indiana Jones and put something in his place to not rouse Castiel, but that would take too much work and Dean was both tired and horny. 

He tested whether he could move a little without waking Cas by pulling one leg out from under him so it was hanging off the side of the bed. Nothing. Castiel must be a heavy sleeper. Makes sense since it took a lot to pull him out of his nightmare. 

He managed to climb out from the octopus-like embrace and practically ran into the small toilet. 

He felt terribly guilty for what he was about to do, but he needed the release. Castiel was damn hot and hell could you blame him? 

He took his shirt off; it had a small stain on the front from Castiel’s snot and tears. He was getting a little hot and bothered from how turned on he was. This hadn’t happened in a while, both him jerking off, and jerking off to fantasies of a guy. He still had fantasies about guys when he was with Lisa, but they were mostly threesomes, including him, Lisa and Dr. Sexy. Okay, sexy thoughts about Lisa needed to stop.

He closed his eyes, imagining that it was Castiel’s hand trailing down his chest, pausing at his nipples to give them extra attention as Dean was extra sensitive there. He hissed at the touch.

His hand travelled further down his body, fingers lightly brushing the hairs leading down under his pyjamas. He needed to dispose of the offending fabric swiftly.

He stood with a sense of urgency as he pulled down his pyjama pants and boxers along with them. 

He sat back down on the closed lid of the toilet and stroked his member delicately, still visualizing Castiel’s lean fingers replacing his own. 

He pulled his bottom lip into his mouth and bit down, imagining the way those cerulean blue eyes would be almost black with lust, looking up at him through thick eyelashes. He rubbed the pad of his thumb across the tip and sighed as he spread the pre-come down his shaft with more firm strokes, twisting his wrist as he reached the head again. 

He was starting to get fairly breathless as he imagined the feel of Castiel’s lips on his, his tongue in Dean’s throat, nipping at his neck, sucking at the spot behind his ear that drove him crazy. 

His rhythm faltered and his hips bucked up into his hand as he was reaching his climax. He imagined Castiel leaving a trail of kisses along his hipbones and on the inside of his thighs, avoiding the one place Dean most wanted that mouth, like the tease Dean guessed Castiel was. 

As he pictured Castiel’s mouth closing around the head of his cock, his vision went white and he was coming hard. He was panting as white painted his chest and hand, losing the image of Castiel in his mind and focusing on stroking himself through his orgasm. 

As the waves of pleasure crashed over him and the tide went back out to sea, he threw his head back, blissed out. He pulled some tissues from the roll to the side of the toilet and cleaned himself up as best he could. He changed back into his pyjamas and checked himself in the mirror before going back out to the main room. Deeming himself fit for public viewing, he opened the door slowly, in case Castiel hadn’t woken yet. 

He hadn’t and was hidden under the duvet, the only recognizable feature of him being the tuft of dark hair that popped up between the top of the duvet and the pillow. Dean, now feeling sweaty and gross after his activities in the toilet, thought it best to have a shower. 

After the shower he found Castiel sitting in the empty common room watching Dr. Sexy. Dean was trying to avoid feeling things for this boy, but now that Dean knew he liked Dr. Sexy, it was becoming harder to.

Castiel had apologized for his actions during the night and Dean felt like it should be him who should be apologizing to him, after Dean’s entirely inappropriate movements towards him, but he didn’t say anything to Castiel, seeing that the boy was already embarrassed enough, so he let the conversation drop, shrugging off his apology, saying it was no problem.

They talked about Dr. Sexy and watched about four episodes together before Castiel pulled him away from the show and ruined the ending of one of the main story lines. Damn him.

While Castiel was getting ready, he went to get some coffee for the both of them to thank him (and wordlessly apologize) for the one he failed to drink yesterday. 

He returned to their dorm room and was stopped short by the sight in front of him. Castiel had not been wearing a shirt during the night, but Dean hadn’t looked at the boy’s form out of courtesy. But now that he was unashamedly out in the open without his shirt on, it made Dean appreciate the scene before him. 

Castiel had a lean frame, with, not prominent, but not entirely invisible muscles that rippled when the boy moved. He had a runners body, Dean guessed, and, while he would normally slate running, Dean definitely thanked whatever god had invented such an exercise that gave Castiel that wonderful build.

He snapped out of his trance when the other boy’s body was covered with another long-sleeved shirt and Castiel asks Dean if the other cup is for him. Dean stuttered like a school girl talking to her crush and is pretty sure he blushed fiercely. 

However Castiel grinned at him and he returned it naturally. They stared at each other for a while longer, before Castiel seemed to get uncomfortable and turned to put on his jacket and grab his bag. 

Dean followed when Castiel put on his sneakers and walked out the door. They walked to the main building together, chatting comfortably and throwing witty banter each other’s way. When they got there they agreed to meet there again when their classes finished and parted ways.

As if on cue, the playback of his and Castiel’s encounters had ended just as the lecturer ended his presentation. He totally missed what the assignment that had been set was, and decided he’d just ask someone else later. He recognized one of the guys in his class from his dorm’s floor so he’d find him later and ask.

He hurried out of the lecture hall and tried not to speed up when he saw Castiel standing there waiting for him. He smiled when he was spotted and gave him a little wave. It was adorable. Damn, Dean what happened to forgetting about this little crush, huh? 

“Hey, Cas,” he greeted as he got close enough to him that he didn’t have to shout out.

“Hello Dean,” Oh, there it is. That deep, gravelly voice that he had been thinking about all afternoon, “if you don’t mind, I have to wait for Charlie to get out of her class, it ends in about fifteen minutes, but your welcome to walk back by yourself if you don’t want to wait,” Castiel said quickly.

“No, that’s fine Cas,” he says with a smile. Dean could tell that he and Charlie would get on well, if their mutual love for Star Wars was anything to go by. 

Dean and Castiel sat on a bench outside the main doors waiting for Charlie in companionable silence, while they savoured the heat of the late September sun. It was starting to get cold and the hours of light were getting shorter each day. 

Dean spotted Charlie’s red hair bouncing up and down in the crowd as everyone ambled out of the doors. He shouted her name and Castiel jumped at the volume, seemingly being pulled out of whatever he was daydreaming about. 

She ran over to Castiel and Dean smiling and motioning for them to join her on the path. 

“Hey guys, how’s it going?” she asked

“Good,” Dean and Castiel answered simultaneously, looking at each other with a small smirk tugging at their mouths.

Dean shouted “Jinx!” and Castiel looked at him curiously, tilting his head to the side, once again reminding Dean of a cat.

Dean huffs a laugh and nudges Castiel with his elbow saying, “Come on Cas.” He throws an amused look towards Charlie who shrugs and turns to walk on. 

“So Dean, do you want to join us in our weekly drinking game?” she says with a mischievous look on her face. Castiel tuts next to her and rolls his eyes.

“What’s that?” Dean asks innocently.

“We watch Game of Thrones and whenever there’s blood on screen we take a shot,” she says, “Me and Cas were wasted during The Red Wedding,” she chuckles, “which is rare, because Castiel has an abnormally high tolerance for alcohol.”

“I felt like I drank a liquor store,” Castiel says chuckling along with Charlie.

“I’d love to, since I’ve never seen Game of Thrones before,” Dean says and Charlie gasps exaggeratedly before Dean interrupts, “But, I’ve got work,” he says regrettably. He’s been meaning to get around to watching Game of Thrones but finds he's always too busy with work. 

“Oh, where do you work?” Charlie asks.

“The Roadhouse. Know it?”

“I don’t, me and Cas don’t really go out to drink that much,” Charlie says. Dean notices that Castiel looks down at that, but he doesn’t pry.

“Well you should come by, Ellen won’t mind you having a few drinks either,” Dean says, secretly hoping they’ll come to provide a distraction from the regular, boring Monday crowd. 

“Maybe,” Castiel cuts in before Charlie can answer.

Dean nods as they reach the residence hall. He carries on without Charlie and Castiel, as they go to Charlie’s dorm, and he goes up to get ready for work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Sweet Things by The Pretty Reckless.
> 
> For update follow me on tumblr- i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com
> 
> Let me know what you think... Kudos and comments appreciated!


	11. I'm Not Okay

Castiel drags Charlie into her dorm room and shuts the door with a slam. 

He can’t get a hold of his breath. It’s refusing to return to his lungs, to allow oxygen to travel to his brain.

He’s terribly dizzy and feels like he's going to pass out. His whole body is tingling, and he doesn’t even feel connected to his body, it’s like he’s floating above it, looking down at the scene.

He slides down the door wheezing and clutching at his chest. He can see Charlie sitting in front of him, she seems to be trying to talk to him, maybe trying to calm him, but he can’t hear her words. His ears are muffling her speech, as though he’s under water, and with the way his breathing is going, it definitely feels like he’s drowning.

He senses hands on his knees, pushing them up towards his chest and his head is guided to rest between them.

He finally feels his breath coming back into his lungs. His head is starting to spin less, and he feels as though he’s returning to his body. 

He’s trembling and crying. Charlie wraps her arms around him, holding him close and letting him cry on her shoulder.

“Castiel, it’s okay, shh, you’re okay,” Charlie says, reminding Castiel of how Dean had comforted him after his awful nightmare. He chuckles, a little manically, at the memory and Charlie pulls away, giving him a funny look.

“Cas you’ve gone mad,” she says fondly, laughing lightly at Castiel’s pout that appeared on his face after her remark. 

“I have to tell you about what happened last night,” he says, forgetting that he just had a full blown panic attack in lieu of telling Charlie the events of the night previous.

He goes on to inform Charlie of how Dean had comforted him after he had awoken from that awful nightmare. Castiel explains the dream to Charlie; although it’s the same dream he has every time he develops feelings for a guy.

Castiel had accepted the fact that he has a little crush on Dean and was almost certain that nothing would ever come out of it; he was still pretty sure Dean was straight. But hey, he could always hope.

When Castiel had finished his story, Charlie sat there for a few moments thinking over what he had described. She didn’t want to think too much into it because she didn’t want to get Castiel’s hopes up. But it was definitely sweet of Dean to take care of Castiel like that; she’s going to thank Dean for that later. 

“I wouldn’t read too much into it Cas, if he does like you, let him come to you. I don’t want you to get hung up on this like last time,” 

Castiel huffs to himself. Yeah, he remembers last time. 

They spend a few minutes in silence as Charlie brushes a hand through Castiel’s hair. She stands and holds out her hands to Castiel, he takes them and Charlie pulls him up and drags Castiel over to her bed. He’s thankful that her roommate Meg is at work, he couldn’t deal with her dry humour and sarcasm right now.

Once he’s settled on the bed, sitting with his back against the wall, Charlie joins him and rests her head on his shoulder. He places his head on hers and takes a deep breath. 

“Are you taking your meds?” Charlie whispers, after a beat of silence.

“What do you think?” Castiel says dryly. 

Charlie moves her head so she’s looking up towards Castiel, “Why not?” she says concerned.

Castiel sighs, knowing that Charlie can tell if he lies. It’s a talent she picked up easily a few months into their friendship.

“I don’t see why I have to rely on medication to help me through my anxiety. I just don’t understand why I can’t deal with it without,” he replies, looking down, feeling ashamed for seemingly letting Charlie down.

Charlie shifts from next to Castiel to sit in front of him, cross-legged. She puts both hands on either side of his face while she says, “Listen to me, it is not a bad thing to need a little help once in a while, okay? I know you want to make yourself better on your own, but sometimes we need a bit of help to get us through. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Castiel nods, still looking away from Charlie. He really doesn’t want to take his Xanax. It makes him feel drowsy and the side effects that read on the packaging make him even more anxious. But he can’t let Charlie down. Not like last time.

“Okay,” he breathes, and he will.

It surprises him, even now how much Charlie cares for him. He doesn’t know how she puts up with him. He doesn’t deserve her. She’s done so much. Hell, she saved his life. But he can’t help but feel like a huge burden. Because of his stupid anxiety he can never go out with her, and she refuses to go out without him. It’s sweet of her to want to stay with him, but he feels like he’s preventing her from having a life. He won’t mind her going out without him once in a while. He is fairly scared though, that if she does, she’ll realize that Castiel is holding her back, and won’t talk to him anymore. He’s better off alone anyway.

“Stop it,” Charlie says, pulling Castiel out of that very depressing train of thought.

“Stop what?” he tilts his head in confusion.

“That whole ‘staring off into the distance contemplating life’ thing you do. It’s never good and I don’t want you thinking such negative things,”

Charlie knows him all too well. 

“Charlie?”

Charlie hums in acknowledgement.

“I want to go to Dean’s work,”

Charlie gives him a small smile, “We don’t have to Cas, not if you’re not comfortable,”

“I want to,” he says with conviction. He will do this. He’s sick of his anxiety ruling his life. He wants to live a little without the constant worry of having panic attacks. He needs to push himself; otherwise he won’t ever get through it.

“If you’re sure, you need to take some of your Xanax though, and if you get overwhelmed at all, we’ll be out of there and home before you can say Daenerys Targaryen.”

Castiel laughs, “You know, that little obsession of yours is unhealthy,” he says light-heartedly.

“I know, but I can’t help it, she is my queen,” she declares dreamily, sighing dramatically and pulling Castiel up off the bed. 

“Come on then, you need to help me get ready for our night out,” she says trying to hide her excitement, but Castiel sees right through it. He’s glad he can do something to make her happy, even if it’s as small as going out for the night. 

Half an hour later, finds Castiel sitting next to a pile of Charlie’s clothes, and Charlie half naked, holding out two pairs of jeans.

“You know you don’t have to dress up you know?” Castiel says a little irritated, he has to get ready too after all.

Charlie tuts and rolls her eyes, obviously oblivious to the fact that Castiel can see her in the mirror, “I know that, but I haven’t been out in a while and I want to take advantage of that,” 

Castiel lowers his head again, feeling guilty for holding Charlie back. 

“Hey Cas?” Charlie says and Castiel lifts his head to show that he’s listening.

“You aren’t holding me back,” Seriously is this girl psychic?! “I want to hang out with you, you’re my bestie and I’d rather be in your company than in than surrounded by intoxicated strangers,” she finishes with a reassuring smile. 

Castiel feels better after that and holds up an outfit for Charlie to wear. A pair of light-wash blue skinny jeans, a lightweight white tee and a black blazer.

“Perfect,” Charlie states with a smile that turns mischievous, “I knew you being gay would come in handy,”

“Hey!” Castiel protests, trying to hide his smile but failing, "You're gay too, assbutt." 

Charlie holds her hands up in surrender, chuckling a little, and takes the items from Castiel’s grasp. A few minutes later she’s dressed, applying some makeup.

“I’m going to head upstairs and get ready,” Castiel declares, boredom clear in his voice.

“Alright, I’ll be up in a minute to approve of your outfit choice,”

Castiel rolls his eyes and waves half-assed at Charlie as he makes his way out of her room.

When he reaches his room, noticing that Dean must’ve already left for work, he drops his bag on the bed and goes into the bathroom. He opens the mirrored cabinet above the small sink and grabs for the bottle of Xanax. He stares at the bottle for a few seconds before popping off the cap. He takes his dosage and returns to the main room.

He sits down on the bed and sighs, resting his elbows on his knees and drops his head into his hands. 

He wishes he could just snap his fingers and fix his problems. Have some sort of healing power that has instant effects, something, anything that will help him. But life’s just not that kind is it?

He shoots up as soon as the door flies open, revealing Charlie. She has the outfit that Castiel gave her on, with a few silver and gunmetal accessories, including her signature dragon ear cuff (that Castiel bought her, thank you very much). Her hair lies in red waves cascading around her shoulders. Her make-up accentuates her features, her eyes, her cheekbones. _My friend looks beautiful_ , Castiel thinks. 

“You look very pretty Charlie,” Castiel compliments. Charlie blushes and ducks her head, mumbling a bashful ‘thanks’. 

When she looks back up she claps her hands together and announces, “Right, time to get you looking like a sex god,”

Castiel chuckles and allows Charlie to drag him over to the mirror next to his closet. She treats him like her very own life-size Ken doll, dressing him up and then ripping off the clothing when she disapproves.

Finally she finds an outfit that she approves of. A blue checkered shirt with a black waistcoat that hugs his form, black skinny jeans with slight distressing on the knee and faded black combat boots.

“Mm,” Charlie mused, “if I wasn’t attracted to chicks, I would pounce on you right now,” 

Castiel raise an eyebrow at her, disbelieving. 

“Seriously Cas, I don’t know why you can’t see how hot you are,” Charlie says with a huff.

Castiel looks back himself in the mirror. He guesses he is reasonably appealing. His strong jaw, bright blue eyes and runner’s body, being things that people have complimented him on before. But Castiel just doesn’t really see it.

He sighs and turns to Charlie with a melodramatic pout, “Are we done now?” he whines.

"Not yet," she rushes. She pulls a small black pencil out of her purse and pulls off the cap.

"Eyeliner?" Castiel says a little worried. Castiel loves Charlie, but her coming at him with a sharp object scares him a little.

"Yeah, it'll make your eyes-" she finishes her sentence by making an explosion noise and mimics the action with her hand.

He waits while she expertly lines his eyes with the pencil, wincing a few times when she gets too close. She completes her work with a sure nod of her head.

“Now we’re done, child.” Charlie says with a slap to his ass. 

Castiel howls and sends a glare her way. She pokes her tongue out and chastises him when he reaches for his trench coat.

“Ah ah. Nope, that does nothing for your figure,” she scolds as she riffles through his closet. She pulls out a faux leather jacket and holds it out towards him, “This,” she says and he knows not to contradict her when she uses that tone of voice.

He snatches the jacket out of her hands and shrugs it on.

“Happy?” he says feigning annoyance.

“Yes,” she says through pouted lips, pinching Castiel’s cheek. He slaps her hand from his face and she throws her head back with laughter.

He grabs his wallet and his keys, and turns back to Charlie, “Ready to go?” he says, a little nervous.

“Are you?” Charlie says looping her arm in his.

He sighs heavily, trying to breath out the nervous energy that’s pent up inside his body. It lifts more or less. He can’t really prepare for the situation until he’s in it, so he shifts his stance and pulls tighter on Charlie’s arm as he looks down at her.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” he says with a small, hopefully reassuring smile. 

Charlie rises on her toes and kisses Castiel’s cheek, “If it gets too much well leave, okay?”

Castiel nods and moves towards the door with Charlie on his arm. 

“Wait,” Charlie stops and pulls Castiel back.

“What?” Castiel asks.

“We don’t even know where we’re going,” she says with a light chuckle. She pulls out her phone and taps on her GPS app.

“What was the place called again?” she asks still staring at her phone.

“The Roadhouse, I think,” he says, although he knows.

Charlie snorts and says under her breath, “You think,”

She types the name out and exclaims, “Got it. It’s like a ten minute walk from here,”

She loops her arm around Castiel’s once more.

“Take two,” she says leading him to the door.

They walk down the stairs, still arm in arm. When they get outside, it’s still light out thankfully, and they walk in the direction of the Roadhouse. 

They reach the building and look at each other apprehensively. Outside, there are large motorcycles and dirt covered trucks lining the parking lot. 

“Come on,” Charlie says, although there was obvious uneasiness in her voice, she pulls Castiel towards the door. 

They could hear classic rock playing and muffled chatter, coming from inside. They pause before passing through the door. 

When they reach the other side, a few people turned around to stare. Castiel gripped Charlie tight under the scrutiny and Charlie pulled him further into the bar. 

Being a Monday night, it was obvious that the student crowd would be small. There was a group of students near the back of the bar, but most of the other people were older, tougher looking bikers and a few drunks. 

They got to the bar where a pretty blonde was serving a man at the far side of the bar.

“Excuse me?” Charlie said, making Castiel jump. She put a grounding hand on his and turned her attention to the girl smiling. Castiel knew that smile. That was her, ‘I’m going to charm the pants off you’ smile.

“What can I get for you guys?” the girl asked, a practiced phrase. 

Charlie looked at her name tag, seeing that her name was Jo, she continued with her smile, “Well, Jo, we’re actually looking for Dean, is he here?”

Jo returned her smile and said, “He’s out back at the moment, he’ll be back-“

“Cas, Charlie, you came!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is I'm Not Okay by My Chemical Romance.
> 
> For updates follow me on tumblr - i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com
> 
> I know I said I would update yesterday but I literally had no motivation... I couldn't think of anything to write so I hope this chapter is okay!
> 
> Let me know what you think! Kudos and comments appreciated!
> 
> (please let me know if there are any mistakes and I'll fix them as quick as I can)


	12. In The Evening

Dean takes the stairs up two at a time. His shift starts in a half hour so he better get a move on if he wants to be there on time, especially now that he doesn’t have his baby.

God, how could he be so stupid as to smash up his pride and joy? The Impala was Dean’s escape, it was his refugee. It was the one place he had always felt safe. It was the place for brotherly bonding, taking Sam to the movies or out to get ice cream. It held so many memories and now it’s going to take him forever to get her back to all her glory. She might not even feel the same as she did before Dean’s outburst. She might feel different, smell different, even look different. 

But Dean can’t think about that now. He has to get ready for his shift at Ellen’s. 

He hopes Charlie and Cas will be there. He’s kind of worried about Cas though. He seemed rather jittery after Dean had asked them to come and he practically pulled Charlie’s arm out of the socket when he dragged her to her dorm. He must’ve said something wrong for Cas to act like that. But it was only a simple invitation to Dean’s work.

If they do come it’ll provide an escape from the sparse Monday crowds. Hardly anyone comes to the bar on Mondays. It’s mostly after Wednesday that it starts to pick up more customers, typically college students looking for a break from studying, or avoidance of. 

It’ll also give Dean a break from Jo and Ellen. He loves them like family, don’t get him wrong, but they can be a little intense. Especially when there are no customers about to keep them busy. Jo has been texting Dean non-stop about what happened with Lisa and its grating on Dean's last nerve. He just wants to forget.

He knows that if this had been high school, Dean would’ve snuck some Jack from Bobby’s liquor cabinet and gone out back to drink himself into oblivion. But he promised Sam (and Ellen) before he started college that he would lay off the heavy drink. Ellen promised him a job at the Roadhouse to help him through college if he stopped drinking. And he’s been good. But now, since Lisa, all he wants to do is drink and let the memory slip from his mind. He won't chance it, for Sammy's sake, but that doesn't mean the urge will go away.

Damn her, is all Dean can think. He still doesn’t understand what the hell went wrong. It was the first real relationship he was ever in and he was actually thinking about a future with her. A white picket fence with 2.5 kids; he’d even get a dog if she wanted one. He hadn’t mustered up the nerve to say the L word to her, even though he admitted it when it was over, but he knew he did. 

Whatever, it’s done now. They’re done. So Dean just has to move on.

He has a quick five minute shower, brushes his teeth and has a quick shave. When he returns his shaving cream and toothpaste to the cabinet behind the mirror, he notices a bottle of pills hidden in the back of the bottom shelf. No, he wasn’t snooping, he was just... okay, maybe he was a little. 

He picks up the bottle and sees that it’s a prescription for Xanax. He recognizes the name but he can’t quite place what they’re for. 

Wait, they’re for anxiety, right? Sam took them when he was dealing with it when he started high school. It was after John had died and they moved into Bobby’s full time. He was having bad dreams to start out with, not about his dad but about how it was Dean who had died instead of their father. Then he started believing that they were real, he didn’t want to leave the house and he never wanted Dean out of his sight. He would have panic attacks and it started freaking Dean out. Bobby took him to the doctor and he was given a prescription for Xanax and counselling with Dr. Barnes. Dr. Pamela Barnes was amazing for Sam and damn hot too. It took a while but Sam got better, more confident, he started making friends and going out on his own. Now he’s not on Xanax any more, although he still has a counselling session every now and then.

The bottle has Castiel’s name on it so he must be taking them. That explains his behaviour earlier. He must have a thing with crowds. Dean still hopes he’ll come though. They- They come. 

He changes into a tight black t-shirt and tight jeans. What? Just because it’s a small crowd doesn’t mean he can’t go fishing for tips. He grabs his keys, phone, and wallet and throws on his dad’s old, battered leather jacket. 

He checks himself out in the mirror for a few minutes, fixing his hair, smiling smugly at himself and practising his flirty face. When he deems himself ready, he winks at himself and turns to walk out of the dorm. 

Luckily, the Roadhouse is only a ten minute walk from the university so he doesn’t have to worry about being late and he doesn’t have to scrounge a ride from anybody. He hangs his jacket up on the rack in the back room when he gets there and clocks in.

Within thirty seconds of him walking out into the bar area, Jo jumps on him and squeezes him tight in a nearly bone crushing hug. Jo may be a girl, but never underestimate her strength.

“Whoa Jo,” he wheezes, as she lets him go, however keeping him at arm’s length.

“I’m sorry about Lisa,” she says as she looks at him with sad eyes.

“Yeah, yeah,” he says and waves her off, “You know I really don’t want to talk about it,”

He pushes past her, grabs his apron and wraps it around his waist. The apron really helps out with tips too, since it frames his ass so well. 

He hears Jo sigh behind him and as he turns around, he sees her throw her hands up in the air, “Fine,” she says as her arms slap down to her sides. He’s pretty sure he hears her mumble under her breath, “don’t have to be such an asshole.”

Dean pokes his tongue out at her and turns to his first customer. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

About an hour into his shift, Ellen has him doing inventory. It gives him time alone, and it keeps his mind busy counting stock and making a list of things they need. Jo calls to him to bring a crate of beer out front since they’re almost out and he calls back saying he’ll bring it out when he’s good and ready.

That earns him a scowl and a whack to the back of the head from Ellen who tells him to move his sorry ass. 

He grabs a crate and steps out to the bar. He almost drops his crate when he sees Charlie and Castiel standing at the bar. He didn’t expect Castiel to come after seeing the bottle of Xanax. He can tell he’s a little uncomfortable here just by his posture and facial expression.

“Cas, Charlie, you came!” he exclaims, astonishment plain in his voice.

“We sure did,” Charlie says with a wide smile. She casts a quick glance to Castiel who gives Dean a slightly forced smile. He’s definitely on edge. 

“Hey Cas,” Dean says softly with a warm smile to Castiel, using a soothing tone to put him at ease. It seems to work because he settles a little and as Charlie takes a seat on a stool, Castiel takes the one adjacent. 

“I see you already met Jo,” Dean says, ruffling Jo’s hair. Jo hits him with the dish towel she just happened to have and gestures to the two opposite.

“Oh right, Jo this is Castiel and Charlie,” he says rubbing his neck where Jo flicked the towel. 

“Hi,” Charlie says and Castiel smiles.

“Well now that’s over with, want some drinks?” Jo says, leaning over the bar towards Charlie on her arms, showing off her rack. Okay, now Dean knows that move. That’s the move Jo uses when she either wants a big tip, or she’s flirting. And Charlie’s a girl, Jo’s never shown interest in a girl before, as far as Dean knows. Jo knows that Dean is bisexual, but she’s never said anything about her own sexuality. Huh, interesting. 

“I’ll have a beer,” Charlie says to Jo. Jo sends her a coy smile and reaches down to the fridge under the bar.

“Cas?” Dean says, turning towards Castiel. Wow. Now that Dean’s really looking at Cas, he can see the eye-liner around his eyes that really make the blue really pop. His hair is in that just-had-sex messy style that Dean finds really sexy. The blue in his shirt makes his eyes even more extreme and the waistcoat cinches into his waist perfectly. Dean is so screwed.

“Dean?”

Dean’s been staring. Oh god. And when did his bottom lip slip between his teeth?

“Sorry what did you say?” Dean says, mentally scolding himself for getting caught up in Castiel.

“I said I’ll just have a coke but,” Jo hands him a can, “Jo’s got me one, thanks Jo,” he says with a smirk. Smug bastard.

“Thanks Jo,” Dean says childishly mocking Castiel. Castiel starts laughing and both Charlie and Jo are giggling. Dean’s pretty sure he goes bright red. 

They fall into relaxed conversation when Dean and Jo aren't serving and it’s pretty easy. Dean’s definitely sure Jo and Charlie are flirting back and forth and they’re not being subtle.

Jo goes to the bathroom and when she comes back out Dean corners her.

“Are you flirting with Charlie?” he asks, not beating around the bush. Hah.

Jo blushes, “Is it that obvious?” she says looking down. 

Dean huffs and shakes his head, “Yeah, it’s pretty damn obvious Jo, you’re doing that leaning on the bar thing you do and batting your eyelashes every five minutes. I didn’t even know you swung that way.”

“Well yeah,” she says to Dean like he should’ve already noticed this. Jo scoffs and gives Dean an indignant look.

“Jeez, sorry you’ve just never told me Jo. You’re practically my sister and you’ve never said anything about being bi or anything. Hell you were the first person I told,” he’s a little pissed; he’s not going to lie. He confided in Jo when he first realized he was actually attracted to dudes as well as chicks and she helped him out a lot. She even sat with him when he told Bobby and Sam about his sexuality. 

Jo's features soften, her mouth forming a guilty 'O' in her realisation that she didn't even tell her best friend about this.

“I’m sorry,” Jo says looking away from Dean, “I didn’t know how to tell you.”

Dean feels like a dick now. Jo seems really upset about this and he basically just forced her to come out to him.

“Hey, Jo it’s okay,” he says pulling her into a hug, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed you.”

Jo mumbles into his shoulder, “It’s okay, I was going to tell you sooner or later anyway.”

“Now,” Jo says pushing Dean away, “Are we done? Cause I’ve got a hot redhead out there waiting for me.”

She gives him a sly wink and flicks her hair as she turns to walk back out into the bar. 

Well, that’s a charming new development. 

Dean shakes his head in amazement, chuckling to himself. He heads to the bathroom before heading back to the bar.

Jo’s laughing with Charlie and Castiel about something or other when he returns, but Castiel catches Dean’s eye and laughs even harder. Oh no.

“What are you dorks yapping about?”

Charlie and Jo start snorting through their laughter and Castiel just outright giggles. Actually giggles. It’s kind of adorable actually. 

“Oh nothing,” Charlie says, feigning innocence, “Just something about a girl named Rhonda Hurley and you wearing her panties.” Charlie starts cackling like some crazed witch. 

Dean’s eyes widen and he’s pretty sure he’s as red as a tomato. “JO! What the hell?!” 

Jo shrugs like it’s nothing and turns to serve another customer.

“Oh my god,” Dean groans. The one weird kink he has and Jo blurts it out to people he barely knows. Okay, they’re pretty cool people, but they don’t need to know anything about Dean’s bedroom fetishes. 

“What were they like Dean?” Charlie says teasingly, “I bet they were lacy, with little frills and bows, what do you reckon, Cas?”

“I don’t know Charlie, I think Dean’s more of a satin guy,” he says with a giggle. Oh my God, leave it to Castiel to get it right. 

“Alright, alright, enough joking,” He leans over the bar a little, motioning for Charlie and Cas to come closer, “I bet Jo never told you she used to have this _huge_ crush on me,” 

“What?!” Cas and Charlie say in unison.

Aha, now Dean is definitely getting Jo back. “Oh yeah, in 8th grade she made me a Valentine’s Day card and shoved it through my locker. Her mom told me all about it when she got drunk one night. Apparently she had stayed up all night making it—“ Jo smacks him with her towel again, “OW JO!”

“Shut up Dean,” she says trying to hide a triumphant grin. 

“Oh come on Jo it was adorable,” he says making a kissy face, both Castiel and Charlie awing behind him.

“Whatever dude, you wore panties in bed,” she retorts snickering and Castiel and Charlie both burst out into laughter again.

Dean throws his hands up in surrender and huffs. Dean can’t think of any more embarrassing stories for Jo so he just gives up.

When they all calm down, Jo checks the time.

“Whoa, guys we’ve been at this for hours and we’re shutting up soon. Dean your shift’s over now,”

Wow really? Time really does fly when you’re having fun. And when you’re in the company of an incredibly attractive guy.

“We’d better be off then,” Castiel says as he slips off the stool. Charlie follows, although she stumbles a bit.

“Okay, I think I’ve had more to drink than I realized,” she says with a hiccup to emphasize her point.

“I’ll walk back with you guys if that’s okay,” Dean asks, he doesn’t really want them walking back in the dark on their own, especially around this area.

“I don’t see why not,” Charlie slurs, directing an obvious suggestive wink Castiel’s way. He scoffs and rolls his eyes, but Dean didn’t miss it.

“Go on then,” Jo says, seemingly a little bummed that Charlie has to go. 

But Charlie quickly rectifies that by calling Jo over to her. She whispers something in her ear that Jo giggles at and nods. Jo passes Charlie a pen and Charlie writes, what is presumably her number, on Jo’s arm. Jo positively beams when she looks at Dean while Charlie’s got her head down. 

While they finish that, Dean grabs his jacket and checks that he has everything before he passes through the little gate at the side of the bar.

Castiel has to physically pull Charlie away from a giggling Jo. He bids goodnight to Jo and starts to lead her away. Not before Charlie places a drunken kiss on Jo’s cheek, though. 

Dean lightly chuckles and gives Jo a quick hug and farewell before catching up with Cas and Charlie.

They don’t talk much most of the way home, since Charlie’s doing most of the talking, babbling on about how Castiel is such a good friend and that Dean has such pretty eyes.

“You like him don’t you Cas?” she says after a while, apparently it’s meant to be a whisper but given Charlie’s state, she doesn’t seem to understand the concept.

“I what?” Castiel says, since he appeared to block out most of Charlie’s other ramblings. 

“You like Dean,” she says playfully and Castiel ducks his head. 

“Charlie, I think you’ve had one too many beers,” Castiel says, the darkness of the street doing nothing to hide the blush on his cheeks.

Dean smiles secretly at the two’s conversation. 

“Oh come on, you know you do,” Charlie says in a sing-song voice, pinching Castiel’s cheek.

They reach the dorms and Castiel turns to Dean.

“I’m going to put her to bed, so you just go on up,” Castiel says quickly, avoiding Dean’s gaze.

“Okay, goodnight Charlie,” Dean says and kisses Charlie on the cheek.

Charlie gasps dramatically and says, “Dean you charmer,”

Dean chuckles and nods to Castiel. Charlie is led away to her dorm, failing to keep herself steady. Dean huffs a laugh and makes his way to their dorm room. 

Once inside he changes out of his work clothes and into something more comfortable and moves into the bathroom to brush his teeth.

While brushing his teeth he thinks about how to go about asking Castiel about what Charlie had been talking about on the way back from the Roadhouse. Butterfly's fly around in his stomach just thinking about it though. Charlie could've just been babbling, she was pretty drunk after all. And why would a guy like Cas go for Dean? He saw how Dean was yesterday. He was broken and fragile, practically falling apart. Castiel probably wouldn't want to go out with a guy with so much emotional baggage. And Dean doesn't even know if Castiel is gay, for Christ sake. Sure he seemed pretty into Dr. Sexy but its a damn good show. What is he doing? He can't do this. He can't make it awkward for both of them. 

It's also really damn soon for Dean to be feeling _feelings_ for someone after such a huge breakup. Normally, wouldn't it take weeks for someone to get over a long-term partner? But, Dean is just too angry at Lisa to even think about being sad about the breakup. They were great together and everything but if she's going to turn around and cheat on him with a douche like that then she's just not worth his time.

He has to do this. Just to get some piece of mind for himself. And if Castiel just so happens to feel the same way for Dean then that's a definite bonus. Not that that will happen though.

He hears the dorm door open, takes a deep breath and returns to the main room to confront Castiel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is In The Evening by Led Zeppelin.
> 
> Did anyone else catch my little 'beating around the bush' quip. I think I'm hilarious... 
> 
> For updates follow me on tumblr - i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com
> 
> I got 100 kudos the other day... I was so happy!


	13. Paranoid

Tonight was great. That much Castiel knows. 

He hadn’t been that happy in a long time, a really long time. He felt so comfortable and calm, when he would normally be freaking out in that type of situation. He was surrounded by lovely people and that fact really warmed Castiel to his core. That feeling was a little alien to him. He’d had similar feelings around Charlie but it was more of a friendly warmth. Different from the warmth he felt around Dean.

Dean had been so nice to him. No one had been that kind to him since he met Charlie. Dean had sensed that Castiel was uneasy when he first entered the Roadhouse and Dean made him feel better about being in such an unfamiliar environment. He relaxed as soon as Dean clapped eyes on him and that had never happened to him before.

That is what's so scary for him. Castiel can’t be thinking like this. He can’t even _think_ about being with a guy. He’s terrified of his dreams and how much worse they might become. He’s worried he’ll over-step his boundaries and do something stupid that will mess up his and Dean’s friendship. 

He constantly has flashbacks about his past, which results in his anxiety being put into first gear and then him having a full on panic attack. 

Castiel’s thoughts run around in circles as he half walks, half carries Charlie back to the dorms with Dean at his side. 

He can feel the warmth of Dean beside him and he can feel how close his hand is to Dean’s. It’s putting him on edge, and he’s conflicted about whether to grab Dean’s hand or just deny his urges. 

“You like him don’t you Cas?” Charlie says, bringing Castiel out of his thoughts.

“I what?” he says unintelligibly. 

“You like Dean,” Castiel ducks his head immediately to hide his blush and shocked expression. Damn Charlie for being the secret telling drunk. 

He can’t think of Dean that way. He’s his roommate and friend, nothing else. Nothing else can happen. He can’t let Dean into his life like that. Castiel is broken and fragile and he can’t throw all the emotional baggage he carries onto Dean’s shoulders as well as his own.

And for pity sake, Dean is most probably straight. Even if he wasn’t completely straight Castiel will not be Dean’s gay experiment. 

“Charlie, I think you’ve had one too many beers,” he mumbles, a bit irritated. Hopefully the darkness will cover his obvious blush. 

“Oh come on, you know you do,” Charlie says in a sing-song voice, pinching Castiel’s cheek, hard. Charlie has no concept of strength when under the influence, and she’s a pretty strong woman. 

They reach the dorms and Castiel turns to Dean, not meeting his eyes. 

“I’m going to put her to bed, so you just go on up,” he says, trying to put off being alone with Dean.

Dean says his goodbyes and Castiel hastily pulls Charlie away. 

When they reach her dorm, Meg has left a note saying she’s working the night shift at the 24 hour coffee shop she works at on campus. _Thank God_ , Castiel thinks. Meg knows Castiel is gay, but he can’t help but notice her eyeing him when she thinks he’s not looking.

Charlie flops down on her bed and Castiel shakes his head affectionately. He’s always found Charlie’s tolerance for alcohol amusing, after about 2 or 3 beers she’s tipsy.

Castiel gets her a glass of water and sits on the edge of the bed, waiting for Charlie to sit up so she can take the drink from him. She downs the water and looks at Castiel with a disgusted look on her face. He can see she’s starting to sober up a little if her squinting and screwed up face is anything to go by.

“I feel like ass,” she says.

“You look like ass,” Castiel deadpans earning a weak slap on the arm from Charlie.

Castiel turns away from Charlie and sighs deeply, running a hand through his hair. Charlie moves behind him and puts her chin on his shoulder.

“Sup?” she says softly in his ear, the syllable drawn out as she’s still tipsy. Castiel moves his head instinctively to press his cheek into Charlie’s. 

“You said I liked Dean in front of him,” he said quietly.

“Oh Cas,” Charlie said, dropping her forehead onto Castiel’s shoulder, “I’m sorry, I have no filter when I’ve had a few drinks,” 

Castiel hums in agreement and looks down, finding his shoes to be the most interesting thing right now.

“I don’t know what to do Charlie,” he says solemnly, “I can’t like him. Nothing can happen.” A silent tear falls down Castiel’s cheek.

Charlie turns him around and looks into his eyes. “Cas,” she looks back and forth between his eyes and continues, “I know what you went through was hard, it was damn heart-breaking to see you that broken. But you can’t keep thinking about the past. If you do you won’t gain any happiness in the future and I don’t want to see you unhappy anymore. It’s going to be a damn hard journey but I’m here if you ever need me,” she pauses and looks away for a second before she looks back at him, “I think we need to find you a counsellor.” She bites her lip and watches Castiel as he stiffens, drawing in a quick breath. 

He had a therapist before when he still lived with his parents after Jimmy... it just, it did not go well. He never helped Castiel and just made him feel even worse for being gay. He would ask Castiel questions about what he thought started his homosexuality, acting as though being gay was an illness he could cure and blaming his homosexuality for being the catalyst of all of Castiel's problems. It was another factor that led to Castiel’s… breakdown. He was scared to ever go back to a therapist and now that Charlie is suggesting it, he doesn’t know what to do.

“I-uh… Charlie I—“

Charlie interrupts, “Cas I know the last time was awful. But I will do everything I can to find a decent therapist. I’ll do research and I’ll go to see them before you do to check them out, okay? I just can’t see you like this anymore,” she says, almost in tears and Castiel can see in her eyes how desperate she is.

Castiel nods and accepts Charlie’s offer. He knows it will be hard and he knows that it’ll be a long time before he gets better, but he has to do this for Charlie if not for himself. He can’t let her down, she’s been there for him through everything and he needs to repay her somehow.

“Can I stay here with you tonight? I don’t really want to face Dean right now,” he says in a small voice.

“Do you want me to get some stuff for you? I’ll let Dean know you’re staying down here while I'm up,” she says stroking his cheek. 

Castiel nods and feels like such a coward for not being able to face Dean but it’s just not something he can do right now. 

Charlie leaves, if a bit unsteadily as she’s not completely sober yet, and Castiel waits for her to return, feeling numb.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dean enters the main room, determined to confront Castiel, and is surprised when Charlie walks through the door. 

“Oh,” he says, dejected, “hey,” He was hoping to get this whole thing out in the open, but Dean guesses it'll have to be put back for a while.

Charlie smiles at him and moves further into the room.

“Cas isn’t feeling too good, so he’s going to stay in my room tonight,” she says as she starts going through Castiel’s drawers.

“Is he okay?” he says concerned for Castiel.

“He will be,” Charlie says after a sorrowful sigh. 

Dean feels there is more to this story, but he won’t push Charlie. He only met her a few days ago after all and he doesn't want to intrude.

“If there’s anything you need, you know where I am,” Dean says in earnest. He feels like he’s done something wrong. Dean must be the reason Castiel doesn’t want to come back up. Charlie came up instead of him after all.

Charlie, surprisingly, hugs Dean before she picks up a bag from Castiel’s closet. When she moves away Dean looks down.

“Um, Charlie? Have I… Have I done anything wrong to Cas?” he says not meeting her gaze. He's afraid he did something to do with Castiel's anxiety. Sure, he knew how to deal with it with Sam, but it differs from person to person. Dean doesn't know what Castiel's triggers are, so it's worrying to think Dean might've triggered Castiel in any way. 

Dean doesn’t hear Charlie walk up to him and is a little startled when she lifts his chin with two fingers to look at his face.

“Of course not Dean, you haven’t done anything wrong, Cas is just… a little troubled. He’s working on it, but he needs to be around someone he knows right now.”

Dean looks into her eyes and nods, although still a little uncertain. She gives him a small, warm smile, stumbling slightly as she turns to walk out of the room.

Dean chuckles and asks, “Are you sure _you’re_ okay?”

Charlie continues walking but turns to poke her tongue out at Dean. She faces forwards again, almost walking into the door frame. She scoffs, amused at herself and faces Dean, giving him a small salute as she leaves the floor. 

All the while, Dean is laughing, entirely amused by Charlie’s slightly drunk antics. When Charlie has left, he sighs and turns to his bed. He flops down onto it and gets under the covers, falling asleep almost instantly.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

While Charlie was gone, Castiel had nodded off and was jostled from sleep by Charlie waving pyjamas in his face. He takes them from her and changes. He’s not ashamed to get changed in front of Charlie, she’s seen his, as Charlie likes to call them, ‘battle scars’ and doesn’t judge him for them. He’s okay with people looking at his body from a safe distance, but up close, when you can see the scars and scratches, he itches to hide them. 

Once he’s changed he starts to get back into the bed, but Charlie grabs him and shoves his toothbrush into his mouth. He yelps, startled, and then is pushed in the direction of the small bathroom to brush his teeth. He turns around to see Charlie smirking at him. 

“I hope you’re violently sick and have the hangover from hell tomorrow,” he comments dryly, feeling especially grumpy, earning a hearty chuckle from Charlie. 

“You love me really,” she says playfully and Castiel grumbles incoherently in reply.

He looks in the mirror and sees that his eye-liner has smudged, giving him the infamous 'panda eyes' look. 

“Charlie, how do I get this shit off?” he says tiredly, not even realizing he had sworn.

Charlie gasps dramatically before smirking and pulls out a wipe from a packet underneath the sink. She wipes his eyes as he brushes his teeth and they finish at the same time. He spits and rinses and then follows Charlie back out to the main room. 

“You’ll have to sleep in my bed with me,” Charlie says, “Meg finishes at 4 and I doubt she wants to come back in and find you sleeping in her bed,” 

“She’d probably be thrilled,” Castiel tries to say under his breath, although from the playful slap he gets on the arm, he thinks Charlie heard him.

Charlie gets into the bed first, since she likes being snuggled up against the wall and Castiel follows in after her. 

Castiel is so glad he has a friend like Charlie. They are so completely comfortable around each other, and it surprises Castiel even now how close he is to Charlie. She’s the closest friend he has ever had, they have been through so much together and Castiel is so lucky to have her support and trust and loyalty. He doesn’t know what he’d do without her, or where he would be. Well, he does, but he doesn’t want to go down that thought path just before falling asleep. It could stir up his nightmares; give them something to prey on.

Charlie nestles into Castiel’s chest and Castiel wraps his hands around her protectively, like he did when he stayed over in high school. 

“I’m so glad I’ve got you Charles,” Castiel says, knowing how much Charlie loathes the nickname.

“Ew Cas, and ditto,” she says, sighing contentedly as she wiggles into Castiel’s embrace further. 

“Quite comfortable there miss?” he says, huffing a small laugh through his smile. She nods and relaxes as she drifts off to sleep.

Castiel lies there for a while, listening to Charlie’s breathing, trying to not to focus on negative thoughts as he’s pulled down into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Paranoid by Black Sabbath...
> 
> For update follow me on tumblr - i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com
> 
> I was wondering if anyone would be willing to do some art for this fic? I love it when there are images with fics, let me know!
> 
> Also, it's getting pretty close to my exams and I have coursework deadlines all this week, so realistically I might not be able to update again until after May 23rd, which is my last exam. I'll try and work on it during whatever free time I have but I really need to get these exams out of the first and they're pretty important for university...
> 
> Kudos and comments appreciated!


	14. The Nightmare Returns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean wakes up after an awful nightmare and decides to have a shower. He bumps into someone on the way.

Dean wakes with a start. Sweat dripping from his brow and soaking through his shirt. His eyes _burn_ with the remnants of the dream, or nightmare, he just experienced. Tears dampen his cheeks and he realizes he’s shaking. 

It’s still dark and he quickly flicks on the light, still haunted by the images he had awoken from, afraid demons will emerge from the blackness of the room. 

Although the details of the dream are fuzzy in his mind, he remembers a few things. Like the blood curdling screams of his mother as she was engulfed in flames. The look on her face as the flesh melted away from her skull. The memories have altered and have warped the reality of the ordeal in the years since, scaring Dean even more than when he was a child.

He takes a deep, hardly calming, breath as he lifts the covers from his bed and throws his legs over the side. He has no hope of falling asleep again now, even though it’s only… 4.36am. 

He groans and lowers his head into his hands. He doesn’t have a class until 9.30 today. He slowly lifts himself from the bed and trudges into the bathroom. He turns the light on, squinting at the brightness and looks at himself in the mirror. His eyes are red-rimmed and dark underneath. Damn he needs a shower, if the sweat that has seeped through his shirt is anything to go by. 

He’s kind of glad that Cas wasn’t here to witness Dean crying pathetically from his nightmare. It had been nice to comfort Cas when he had awoken from his own nightmare, cradling him close to Dean’s chest, but having it returned isn’t something Dean thinks he could deal with. He hasn’t been comforted by anyone before, so why should that change? Not even Lisa showed him that kind of reassuring touch when she had just been a few inches away from him. 

He cleans his teeth and splashes his face with cold water before picking up a fresh towel and some clothes.

He steps out into the dark hallway, trying to navigate his way to the showers, getting about halfway there when—

“Oof!”

Something, or someone, bumps into him.

“Who the hell is that?” Dean demands, hissing through the blackness, ready to pounce if it turns out to be an axe murderer. 

“Dean?” asks a small, familiar voice, distorted by sleep.

“Cas? What are you doing up this early?” Dean replies.

“I could ask you the same thing,” Cas says, sniffing and, from what Dean can see through the dark, rubbing his eyes.

“I couldn’t sleep so I was going to have a shower,” Dean says lifting the towel and clothes for Cas to see.

“Oh, me neither, I didn’t want to wake up Charlie so I just thought I’d come back up here,” 

Dean nods in acknowledgement, although unsure whether Castiel can see him in the shadows.

“Okay, well I’m going to have my shower now…” Dean says, a bit awkwardly.

“Yeah, okay, I’ll be in our room, I guess,” Cas returns, equally as awkward, shuffling past Dean and into their room, shutting the door behind him. 

Dean shakes his head, and heads to the showers. He showers quickly, refusing to jack off to the sound of Castiel's sleep-thick voice, however tempting it may seem. He dries himself off and then changes. 

When he returns to the room, Castiel is led on his back, above the covers, picking at his thumbs and chewing at his lip.

“Dude, you okay?” Dean says, wondering why Castiel is acting so damn jittery.

“Not particularly,” he mumbles in reply. He flops onto his back with a loud sigh and covers his eyes with the crook of his elbow.

Dean notices how Castiel’s shirt rides up a little when he brings his arm to his face. He revels in the prominent ‘V’ of his hips and how low his pants are on them. His eyes follow the dark trial of hair from his belly button down to—

Dean shakes his head, dispelling those thoughts from his mind. He can’t be thinking about the guy like that. Damn, Dean, can’t you see he is clearly upset about something. Jeez.

He coughs awkwardly and moves towards his own bed, sitting on the edge, watching Castiel for a moment, before he (very hesitantly) asks, “Do you wanna talk about it?” He winces at how pathetic that sounded.

Castiel moves his head to the side, and gives Dean a questioning look. It’s kind of adorable actually. Adorable? Way to be a man Dean. 

“Do you really want to hear my problems Dean?” he deadpans, and Dean shrugged.

“Only if you want to tell me, get them out in the open, y’know…” 

There was silence for a few minutes before Castiel mumbles, “Charlie wants me to see a therapist.”

That Dean was not expecting. Sure Castiel is a bit odd and a little quiet, but he seems pretty stable. Guess you never know what goes on behind closed doors. And it kind of does make sense after seeing the Xanax in the bathroom cabinet.

“A therapist?” Dean questions. He doesn’t expect Castiel to relay all his problems to Dean but if he needs it he’ll listen.

Castiel hums in the affirmative and returns his arm to his side. 

“I’ve seen a therapist before and it… it didn’t turn out so well, um, I don’t know… I just guess I’m hesitant because of before…” 

“If you don’t mind me asking, what happened before?” Deans says, a little warily. He doesn’t want to upset Castiel anymore than he already is but he can’t help him without a little background.

“Um…” Castiel says, swallowing audibly and making a clicking sound in his throat. It seems to be a bit of a touchy subject so Dean follows up quickly.

“You don’t have to if you’re not comfortable with telling me.” 

“No it’s alright, I uh, I haven’t told anyone else here yet but, um, I’m gay and the last therapist I had basically blamed all of my problems on that fact.” Castiel’s voice wavers over the last words of his sentence and Dean just wants to bundle him up and protect him from the outside world.

“Shit,” Deans pronounces, a little taken aback by that. Castiel is gay. Obviously that is no problem with Dean whatsoever. At all. It’s actually pretty great. But for someone to place the blame of issues onto one thing they don’t agree with is pretty shitty. 

“I know," he barks out a bitter laugh, which makes Dean wince. He's not fond of that sound coming from Castiel. "It’s not a problem is it? Me being, uh, gay?” Castiel says, voice completely innocent and a little vulnerable.

“What? Dude no of course not, I’m bi anyway, it’s no problem,” Dean declares, rushing over the ‘I’m bi’ part.

“Oh, okay,” Castiel responds, sounding a little surprised at Dean’s confession. He sighs loudly again and turns towards the wall.

Dean picks himself off his bed and walks over to Castiel’s. He sits on the edge and startles Castiel a little with the new weight on the bed. Castiel turns and gives Dean that questioning look again (still adorable) before scooching up closer to the wall, giving Dean room to lie beside him. They both lie in silence looking towards the ceiling.

“I’m sorry about that Cas,” Dean whispers after a while. “You have anxiety, don’t you?”

“Yes... How did you know?” Castiel pushes himself to his side, facing Dean, propped up on his elbow.

“I saw the Xanax in the bathroom cabinet. My brother used to take it for his anxiety so I know what it’s for. And I saw that you looked a little uncomfortable in the Roadhouse yesterday so it kind of adds up.” 

Castiel nods beside him and asks, “Your brother?” 

“Yeah, uh, he’s in senior year. When we moved in with our Uncle Bobby he developed it ‘cause he was really nervous about starting and staying full time at a new high school and he worked himself up.” 

He left a whole load of other issues out as well but he hadn’t even said this much to anyone else other than the people he’s close to.

“Bobby took him to see someone and he got diagnosed,” he leaves out the ‘with panic disorder and PTSD’. “The therapist he saw, Dr. Barnes, is actually pretty great, I can give you her number if you want. She specializes in teenage and young adult mental health.”

He turns to Castiel and wow. They are pretty close and Dean can’t get over how positively blue Castiel’s eyes are. They’re a deep navy blue around the edge of the iris, which fade into a bright royal blue with a few hints of green and turquoise, once again growing darker around the pupil. Dean doesn’t snap out of it until Castiel turns his head back to the ceiling and says quietly, “maybe.”

“Honestly, dude, she’s great, and you don’t have to do this alone. You’ve got Charlie, and me if you’ll have me,” he finishes with a genuine smile and Castiel turns to him once more with a bewildered look on his face.

“Really? You hardly know me Dean. We’ve been roommates for three days.”

“True but you seem like a pretty great guy and I want to help you,”

There’s a flash of something in Castiel’s eyes, and then it’s gone returning to the original expression of bewilderment.

“Thank you, Dean… Would you call for her me? I mean, she knows you and it’s just a little bit daunting for me,” he says pleadingly.

Dean nods and says, “Of course, Cas.” They stare at each other for a while before someone bursts into the room. They both jump and sit up straight to see Charlie come through the door. Her eyes scan the room quickly before landing on Castiel.

“Oh Cas, you scared me to death! You didn’t leave a note or anything and I didn’t know where you were,” she says obviously a little out of breath. Her face scrunches up and she holds her index finger up as if to say ‘one moment’ and then runs into the bathroom.

Dean and Castiel turn to look at each other before hearing the distinct sound of someone throwing up in the toilet. 

Castiel climbs over Dean and runs to her aide. Dean follows and sees that Castiel has Charlie’s hair gathered up in his hand behind her head and is rubbing her back with his other. Dean can see, in scene before him, how close they are. 

When Charlie’s finished emptying the contents of her stomach into the toilet bowl, Castiel grabs a wad of tissue and wipes her mouth. He turns to Dean and asks if he could get her a glass of water.

When Dean returns with the glass, Charlie is sitting against the wall with her head on Castiel’s shoulder. He hands her the drink and she gulps it down. She says her thanks and places the glass on the floor. 

Castiel speaks up first. “Dean said that he knows of a therapist I could go to see,” he says quietly.

Charlie lifts her head from Castiel’s shoulder and looks between both Dean and Castiel. “Really?” she says.

“Yeah, my kid brother goes to see her and she’s real nice. Castiel asked me if I would call her,” Dean answers. 

Charlie raises her eyebrows and turns to Castiel. “Do you really want to do this?” she says, with both bewilderment and hope. 

Castiel hesitates and then nods slowly. “I don’t want to feel like this anymore,” he says forlornly and looks to the floor. Dean’s heart aches at the expression on Castiel’s face and the sadness in his voice.

Charlie moves to hug Castiel tightly and he returns it after a beat. She pulls away and stands, walking over to Dean. She hugs him also, which he returns.

“Thank you for helping him,” she whispers and rests her forehead against his shoulder. He can feel a slight wetness there after a while and he realizes she’s crying. He rubs her back and sways a little, trying to sooth her.

When she pulls back she sniffles and smiles at Dean, who wipes away a stray tear from her cheek. He looks over her shoulder and notices that Castiel’s eyes are a tad glassy.

“Urgh, look at me!” she exclaims grabbing another wad of tissue paper. “I’m a mess!” she chuckles and looks between the two boys.

“Do you know what’ll make us feel better?” she says with a mischievous grin. Castiel rolls his eyes and grins back.

“I wonder what that is,” he replies sarcastically.

“Shut up you love it.” 

“I do. But Dean hasn’t started watching it yet,” Castiel says, tipping his head towards Dean.

Charlie gasps and clutches a hand to her heart, like that’s the most offensive thing she has ever heard.

“Come on Winchester,” she says grabbing his wrist, “winter is coming.”

He turns to Castiel confused, as Charlie pulls him out of the bathroom, and he chuckles, a massive improvement from the sadness Dean witnessed earlier. 

Charlie pulls Dean to Castiel’s bed and pulls out a laptop. She jumps down next to him and pulls up the first episode of Game of Thrones. Castiel joins them and throws a blanket other the three of them. 

Dean is sandwiched in between the two of them. They both sing along to the opening theme and he laughs, a warm feeling settling in his stomach. _What dorks_ , he thinks. But he kind of likes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title is The Nightmare Returns by Alice Cooper, it's literally a one minute song but it's pretty fitting for Dean's nightmare. Listen to it. It's pretty creepy...
> 
> So, hey! I'm back, after what 2/3 weeks? I have no exams anymore thank god so I now have time to write and post more! This fic is going to have quite a few chapters and I may end up turning into a series...
> 
> I also wanted to thank everyone who has supported this fic so far, you guys are awesome!  
> Let me know what you think of this chapter and post comments cause I love seeing them! They make me feel all warm and fuzzy. Kudos are also appreciated!
> 
> For updates follow me here - i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com


	15. Down With The Sickness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel meets Dr. Barnes.

Castiel Novak could not believe Dean Winchester. 

Dean had let him open up to him. He didn’t judge him for being gay, although him being bisexual probably helped a bit. He offered him help and genuinely wanted to, after knowing each other for what? Four days? And the other night, when Dean had held him after his awful nightmare. It was a tad surreal if Castiel was being honest. And if he had thought he had a crush on him before, he definitely knew it now.

God, was he in trouble.

After their little Game of Thrones session that morning they all headed off to class. 

Castiel, of course, decided to major in Religious History. But he was beginning to realize that that was only what his parents wanted him to do. Now that he didn’t have them around anymore, there wasn’t anything that held him to that decision. 

He still loved the subject. He grew up around religion and was constantly reminded of how beautiful and pure it was. _Sometimes_. Other times it would be corrupt and hateful for all the wrong reasons and Castiel just couldn’t find the comfort he found in it before. He’d rather just watch from the side-lines and let other believe what they wanted. He didn’t want to be a part of it anymore.

The words and the art and the solace he found in church were the only real thing keeping him there. Not the warped beliefs and twisted truth of it. After living with his strict and prejudiced family for so long, he knew how religion could be used as a weapon against what they believed to be wrong.

Castiel isn’t sure what he’d like to do instead. Honestly, he wasn't ever given the chose to explore different subjects when he lived with his parents. He loves being creative. Maybe art or literature, he’s not sure. He’ll have to ask someone to help him out. Maybe the therapist or Charlie or even Dean could help him out. 

After his classes he went back to the dorm, finding a note on his bedside table from Dean.

‘ _Called Dr. Barnes, she’s got you booked to see her next Thursday – Dean_ ’

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

And that’s how, that next Thursday, found Castiel sandwiched between Dean and Charlie in a therapist’s waiting room, waiting for his appointment. 

He was restless. The whole week, he constantly had nightmares. They were… horrific to say the least. He stayed with Charlie for a couple days again before returning to his and Dean’s dorm.

Most of his dreams were because of little things Dean did. Like rest his head on his shoulder when they would watch Game of Thrones or Star Wars. And things Castiel found himself liking about Dean. Like his obsession with pie and the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles or laughs, usually at Castiel’s lack on popular culture knowledge, despite Charlie trying to help him understand.

They had grown closer over the week, he and Charlie visited the Roadhouse after college every day (except for Friday and Saturday when Castiel refused to go because of the crowds, but Dean understood). They would stay up a while after Dean’s shift ended and just talk about mindless subjects that would probably bore others but it made Castiel feel wanted, for once in his life. They shared a late start on a Friday, which they used to watch episodes of Dr. Sexy together. Dean still held him close when he had his nightmares after he returned from staying with Charlie. To be honest, it made him want to have nightmares all the time just so Dean would hold him.

Dean and Charlie had grown closer too. It was great seeing his oldest, closest friend get along with his new (would-be-close) friend. They would constantly argue over Star Wars and which movie in the franchise was the best. Charlie introduced Dean to ‘Moondor’ (of which she is Queen). He pretended like it wasn’t such a big deal, but Castiel could see how much he was geeking out behind that macho exterior.

He was so invested in his train of thought that he almost didn’t notice the door in front of them open, revealing a very beautiful woman with dark brown hair, in waves around her face. She had glowing tanned skin, tattoos covering her arms. She wore tight jeans, a tatty band t-shirt and high heeled, knee high leather boots.

“Castiel Novak?” she calls.

Castiel looks to the bodies on either side of him with an uneasy expression. This was Dr. Barnes? She didn’t look particularly professional. Charlie looks at him and shrugs and Dean gives him a smile that melts his troubles. He squeezes Castiel’s hand before standing up to lead him towards Dr. Barnes, still with their hands intertwined. As Castiel gets closer, he notices something about Dr. Barnes' eyes. He realizes just as he and Dean stand in front of her, that she's blind.

“Dean,” she says, holding out her arms. Castiel was amazed that she knew Dean would be here. Dean rolls his eyes and hugs her, receiving a quick slap upside the head for his sass. "Just because I can't see, doesn't mean I can't tell when you're sassing me." She and Dean both chuckle before Dean looks to Castiel and shrugs as though to say 'what are you going to do?'.

“You must be Castiel,” she says, and she holds out her hand for him to shake. Castiel nods and gives her a small, tentative smile. Quickly realizing that y'know, she's blind, he adds a quiet, "Nice to meet you."

Charlie bounds up behind him and introduces herself, once again as his 'gay bestie', which earns her a chuckle. Castiel knows that’s a just tactic to see if she’s at all homophobic, which evidently, she is not. _Thank God_ , Castiel thinks.

He relaxes a little until he realizes Dean hasn’t let go of his hand yet, so he tenses up again. 

“Right then,” Dr. Barnes says holding out an arm to invite Castiel into her office, “shall we?”

Castiel takes one last look at each of his friends and follows Dr. Barnes into her office, effectively dropping Dean’s hand, thankfully, without any awkwardness.

Dr. Barnes shuts the door behind him and Castiel takes a look around her office. The walls look like any old therapists office, with certificates and awards lining them, however the abnormality of it is the pair of beanbags set up on the floor, in front of the desk. 

“Different right?” Dr. Barnes says with a smirk. She must get that a lot.

Castiel nods, still not quite comfortable to talk yet, and still not used to the fact that Dr. Barnes is visually impaired. He stands twiddling his thumbs for a moment as Dr. Barnes sits down in one of the beanbags.

“Come on hun, I don’t bite,” she says with a wink and gestures to the beanbag opposite. He takes his seat, not knowing where to put his hands, and keeps his head down until Dr. Barnes speaks.

“As you can probably tell, I’m not your average shrink,” she chuckles lightly, “I don’t like formality; I want my patients to feel comfortable in their environment, like they’re talking to a friend. I don’t want them to be any more uncomfortable than they most probably are already.”

Castiel looks up and gives her a small smile; he can tell he’s going to like her. 

“And _please_ don’t call me Dr. Barnes. I only use that to answer the phones. Call me Pam,” she says with a smile. Castiel answers with a small, “Okay, Pam” which makes her smile wider and she nods her head, ready to move forward now that her patient has gained the confidence to speak.

“Dean told me a little bit about you on the phone.”

Castiel scoffs a little, causing her to go on, “Nothing bad I promise, just a little bit about your situation. He said you’ve seen a therapist before and not had a particularly good experience, and that you take Xanax for your anxiety, correct?” 

Castiel hums his reply, so she continues, “Alright, first things first… I want you to fill out this form.” She hands him a sheet of paper with various statements in the left column. On the right there are four smaller columns with tick boxes, the titles of each state, ‘Not at all’, ‘On some days’, ‘More than half the days’, and ‘Nearly every day’.

“I want you to rank each statement with the others, that okay?” she says, to which Castiel replies with a drawn out, "Okay...". She hands him a pen and sits back. He's not sure how she expects to read this, since it's not braille. Castiel just shrugs it off and starts to answer the questions.

The first statement on the list is: _Have you found little pleasure or interest in doing things?_ Castiel thought this just this morning so _on some days_. The next is: _Have you found yourself feeling down, depressed or hopeless? All the time_ , Castiel thinks, and he marks it down as so. _Do your sleeping patterns vary?_ Castiel doesn’t have a sleeping pattern, since he can’t sleep, so _nearly every day_. _Do you feel tired and have little energy?_ Yes, _nearly every day_. _Have you had a poor appetite or been overeating?_ He guesses so, so _more than half the days_. _Have you felt that you're a failure or let yourself or your family down?_ There’s that word again, family. Castiel says _nearly every day_. _Have you had trouble concentrating on daily activities?_ Definitely, Castiel thinks, _nearly every day_. _Have you been moving or speaking slowly, or very fidgety, so that others would notice?_ He thinks he might be, it feels like his life plays in slow motion sometimes, maybe it’s just him. _Nearly every day_. And lastly, _have you ever thought you’d be better off dead or have had thoughts of hurting yourself?_ Castiel closes his eyes for a moment before reluctantly telling the truth by ticking _nearly every day_.

Pam waits expectantly for him to finish. When he does he breathes out heavily and tells Pam so. 

"Okay, I want you to read through the answers aloud," she says. Castiel looks at her confused. He knows she can't exactly read, but he's not sure he's comfortable saying all these things out loud, when he's only just met her for the first time today. 

"I know it can be hard to say these things out loud," she starts, "but, first of all, I can't read what you've written, obviously," she says, pointing to her eyes, laughing lightly, "and secondly, saying these things out loud can help with your problems, getting them out in the open can really lift a weight off your chest."

He knows it can. Just talking to Dean last week about this was a small release, but it made him feel better. He takes a deep breath before starting. He reads his answers fluently, having no problems until he reaches the last question. He stumbles over his words, tears building in his eyes and he utters the words, "Nearly every day."

“Alright, I have to ask you this question first and it seems to be a bit of a sensitive subject,” she continues slowly, “The answer you gave for the last question, have you thought of that recently? I have to ask to know if you’re a danger to yourself.” 

Castiel’s eyes water before he shakily says no. Not recently. Not since he started college and got away from his family. Not as bad anyway.

"Please, answer truthfully Castiel," she says, with a firm tone of voice. 

How is it that a blind woman, can see right through him? He bows his head, afraid to say it out loud. "There have been times," he says, almost inaudibly, "when I've felt like cutting again," he sniffs, "like an itch under my skin that I can't scratch. But I know that I would let down Charlie, make her worry more. I don't want to do that again."

Pam seems to think this through for a minute, before answering, “From the answers you’ve given on the sheet, it’s pretty clear to me that you have clinical depression. We can move forward, now that we know what and how to deal with this,” she says with a soothing, motherly tone that washes over Castiel. Never in his life has any one spoken to him like that. Not even his own mother.

“I read your medical records,” she pauses, waiting for Castiel to return her gaze, “I understand it you were administered to a psychiatric ward for a time, after you attempted suicide.” 

Castiel looks away, sniffling, fighting back the tears threatening to fall. He does not want to think about that right now. Not that hell hole and certainly not what put him there.

“We’ll get there,” she says patting his leg, bringing him out of his revere, “but for now, tell me about something that makes you happy.”

Castiel looks up at that and gives her a curious look. Never had he been asked to answer that. Even if he had he wouldn't even know how to answer it. He thought these sessions were supposed to get out all the bad emotions. 

“Why?” he asks, in a small, timid voice.

She smiles warmly, “Because I don’t want you to leave today in a negative mind-set. So, what makes you happy?”

It is kind of nice to not talk about his past for a change. He thinks about it for a minute before smiling to himself.

He talks about Charlie and Dean, and Jo, and their antics at the Roadhouse. He talks about his love for nature, bumble bees especially. He talks about his love for food, and his passion for art. 

Pam smiles and nods her head as he speaks, seemingly satisfied with the answer she received.

“Well then, Castiel, I’d like you to come back for weekly sessions, if you ever feel at all down and need someone to talk to, call me on this number.” She hands him a business card and stands, Castiel following.

“Same time next week?” Castiel asks and Pam nods cheerily. He places a hesitant hand on Pam's arm, and she smiles. 

Castiel makes a move to the door he came through but Pam guides him the other way. 

“After my sessions, my patients go through the back,” she explains, seemingly having done this before. 

It’s unusual again, but Castiel is glad. It makes sense, because if he ever leaves a crying mess, he doesn’t have to have strangers eyeing him curiously as he walks out.

“Thank you, Pam,” he says and smiles at Pam as she says goodbye and closes the door behind him. He has a good feeling about this.

He meets Charlie and Dean back outside, where they sit on a small brick wall. When they see him they stand and wait patiently for Castiel to say something about what he just experienced.

“I think I’m going to be okay,” is what comes out of his mouth, unexpectedly, but it is kind of fitting.

Dean and Charlie both look at each other and smile before they embrace Castiel in a three-way hug.

“Okay, we need to get some ice-cream,” Charlie announces after they part.

They all agree to go to the parlour down the street and make their way there, not yet asking Castiel about the counselling session. 

Once inside, Charlie tells Castiel what ice-cream she wants and then goes to find a booth, leaving Castiel and Dean standing in the line together.

“How was it?” Dean says hesitantly, seemingly not wanting to upset Castiel.

Castiel smiles at Dean, which visibly relaxes Dean.

“She was lovely, we didn’t discuss anything emotionally draining, just acknowledged what my issues are. I think it was just to see how she would move forward and how she would treat me. I think her being visually impaired boosts her other senses too which is cool. It's a huge contrast from last time.” He almost whispers the last part, only loud enough for Dean to hear. 

Dean smiles in reply and wraps an arm around Castiel’s shoulders and pulls him close for a second before letting go as they reach the front of the line. Castiel still feels the warmth on his shoulders from where Dean side-hugged him when they reach the counter.

They order their ice-cream, Coconut for Castiel, Bubble-gum for Charlie and Peanut Butter for Dean, then join Charlie in the booth. Castiel and Dean both sit opposite Charlie. She smirks knowingly to herself. Castiel catches her and gives her a questioning look. She smiles wider and shakes her head.

Dean looks between the two, seemingly confused, and when Castiel catches his gaze, he shrugs and returns to his ice-cream.

“How did it go Cas?” Charlie asks after a while, similar to the way Dean spoke earlier. 

“Fine, she was nice,” he explains, “She wants me to go back on a weekly basis.” He'll explain everything when they're alone.

Charlie nods in understanding, “Better than last time?” she says slowly.

Castiel nods vigorously, “Much.”

Dean finishes his ice-cream before the others and wipes his mouth.

“Right, I better head onto the Roadhouse,” he says, standing, “Oh, before I forget, you’ve both been invited to dinner on Sunday.”

Charlie and Castiel share a curious look before turning back to Dean for him to continue. 

“Well, I told Ellen about you guys on Sunday and about the fact that you were probably sat watching TV, eating noodles, and she just _insisted_ on you guys coming over and having dinner with us,” he said with a hopeful smile.

Castiel turns to Charlie and gives her a wry smile, “I think we may have to think about that for a while Dean.” Dean rolls his eyes affectionately and punches Castiel playfully on the shoulder.

“Come on dude, you’re killing me here,” he says, waving his arms around.

Castiel sighs dramatically and says, “I guess we could make an appearance.”

“Great,” Dean says with a lopsided grin, which Castiel returns. 

They stare at each other for a few seconds before Charlie pointedly coughs, “I’ll be there too y’know,” she says, and Dean blinks as if he just noticed her. She rolls her eyes.

“Yeah, okay great. I’ll see you later?” he says raising an eyebrow in question. Castiel nods his head in return, Dean knocks the table with his hand, says his goodbyes and he’s gone.

Castiel watches him walk away, and if anyone asks, he was not staring at Dean Winchesters ass.

When he turns back around, Charlie has her arms folded, an eyebrow raised, and a strange expression on her face. If Castiel had to identify it, he’d say she almost looks smug.

“What?” he asks, genuinely confused.

She tuts and rolls her eyes melodramatically. 

“You Mr. Flirty McFlirterson.”

Castiel furrows his brow and tilts his head. 

“God. Could you be more obvious? You like him you dummy,” she says in a sing-song voice, nudging him under the table.

“Really? Was I that obvious?” he says, looking up between his lashes.

“Yeah, but don’t worry, Dean was totally returning it,” she finishes with a wink and Castiel’s insides turn to mush.

“He was?” Castiel says hopefully.

Charlie chuckles and shakes her head affectionately. She stands and holds her hand out to Castiel.

“Come on, the night is young,” she exclaims dramatically, “Your prince awaits.”

She drags him out of the parlour and back to their dorm to get ready to go to the Roadhouse. Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Down With The Sickness by Disturbed.
> 
> I've amped up the fluffiness with Dean and Cas in this chapter, flirting and such, so be thankful cause the next few chapters may contain a lot of angst and a whole rollercoaster of emotions *evil laughter*  
> I just had to get this chapter out so here it is. Please let me know how you feel about the decision to make Pamela blind for this...
> 
> Please give me comments. I love seeing what you guys think. FEEDBACK.  
> Kudos also appreciated!
> 
> UPDATES! - i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com


	16. Good Times Bad Times

Dean left the ice-cream parlour with a ridiculously goofy smile on his face. If he wasn’t horribly mistaken Castiel was flirting with him. God, does that give him the biggest ego boost. 

As he walks towards the Roadhouse, he thinks about all of his little gestures throughout the week. Like resting his head on Castiel’s shoulder, putting his arm on the back of the sofa while they watched Dr. Sexy, M.D., and today, when he held his hand in Pam’s office. He felt him tense up a little, but he hopes that was just nerves from meeting Pam.

To be honest, if Dean doesn’t ask the guy out soon, he’s going to go fucking crazy.

To Dean, Castiel is the sweetest, weirdest, most adorable guy he’s ever met. And once again, Dean Winchester did not just call a guy adorable. Well, maybe he did. A little. Okay, as Charlie would say, ‘He’s adorkable’. 

And those eyes. Damn, whenever Dean looks into them for too long, it feels like he’s gone swimming at Bondi Beach. When he puts eyeliner on, like he does every night at the Roadhouse, those eyes might as well just pop out of his skull.

There’s no going back now. He’s going to do it. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When he gets to the Roadhouse, Jo’s out front.

Dean watches her for a minute as she laughs with a few of the regulars. She seems so happy nowadays. Maybe that’s because of Charlie. He hopes it is because he really thinks those two are great together. They went out on a date last Saturday night (to which Jo had to make up some story about how a friend went through a bad breakup so she could ditch work without her mom suspecting anything) that apparently went really well, because they are all over each other at the Roadhouse now. Sure, whenever Ellen comes back out to serve they snap apart but Jo has asked Dean if he would support her when she comes out on Sunday. Charlie doesn’t seem to mind having to hide it for a couple days.

Now that Charlie has said she’d be there on Sunday, Dean thinks she’ll help keep Jo calm if things go sour.

He shakes himself out of his daydream and sneaks up on Jo, snapping her with his towel, getting her back for all the times she did it to him.

“Hey Joanna-Beth,” he says with a wink, he knows how much she hates the name.

“God Dean, don’t call me that,” she replies, with a mildly disgusted, yet amused look on her face, “my mother only calls me that when I fuck up.”

“JOANNA-BETH!” They hear from out back. Damn, that woman has ears like a bat.

“Sorry mom,” Jo answers with a roll of her eyes. She serves another patron and then returns to Dean.

“So what’s got you all goofy and disgusting,” she smirks.

Dean ruffles her hair and quickly dodges another towel attack before answering, “Well, if you must know Cas and Charlie agreed to come to dinner on Sunday, so…”

“Really?” she says excitedly, but her expression turns, “Urgh, this means I have to come out now,” she grumbles, speaking low enough that only Dean can hear.

“Aw come on Jo, it won’t be bad. Hell, Ellen doesn’t care about me being bi.” He throws an arm around her shoulder, and she leans her head on his.

“I guess,” she says quietly.

Just as Jo finishes her sentence, Charlie and Castiel come in through the Roadhouse doors, and Jo immediately cheers up.

“Hey cutie,” Charlie says as she jumps up onto the bar and places a kiss on Jo’s cheek, just like Hugh Grant in Notting Hill. Jo blushes and smiles like a complete idiot before returning the sentiment. 

Dean rolls his eyes affectionately before turning to Castiel. He grins at the man in front of him.

Castiel has his eyeliner on, his hair in that messy, bedraggled manner Dean's come to love, his shirt hugs his lean body in all the right places (which made Dean want to just rip it off of him in front of everyone in this damn bar), and his sleeves are rolled up revealing the strong veins and what? No. _Scars?_

As Dean hands Castiel his drink he notices the uniform, horizontal scars on the underside of his forearm. They seem to have been cut quite deep, as the scars are quite prominent. He catches a quick glimpse of a few vertical ones at the wrist. Dean has never noticed these before, but that’s probably because Castiel wears long-sleeved shirts most of the time. He must’ve felt comfortable enough around Dean and Jo to push up his sleeves. 

But that is denied by Castiel as he realizes Dean is staring at his wrists. His face flashes with horror as he quickly rectifies the problem and tugs his shirt sleeves back over his arms to cover them once more.

That night, Castiel sleeps in Charlie’s room again. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Finally, Sunday rolls around and Dean wakes up early (earlier than usual) to get to the Roadhouse.

Castiel had returned to sleep in his and Dean’s dorm after the incident on Thursday night. They hadn’t spoken about it, and Castiel made no inclination of ever talking about it. Concern had filled Dean’s mind at the prospect of Castiel having hurt himself, but as they were healed scars, Dean was glad that he didn’t seem in any immediate danger. Although, Dean had heard that not all self-harming was restricted to the wrists, which made the worry flare up once more. 

He leaves a note for Castiel on his bedside table. Dean watches his sleeping form for a few moments, taking in the smooth features of his face. In sleep, his furrowed brow is relaxed and he almost looks peaceful. Dean resists the urge to place a kiss atop his head.

Dean walks over to the Roadhouse, despite being given a car by Bobby that he had just lying around while they fixed up Baby. 

Bobby had let Dean work on the Impala on his days of work instead of working on others so, in Bobby’s words, he would ‘stop bitching about the darn thing’. On the two days he’s worked on her so far, he’s straightened out all the dents, cleaned out all the glass, given her a tune up and placed an order for some replacement parts. Luckily, he didn’t completely destroy her in his fit of rage, so that’s a plus. 

When Dean reaches the Roadhouse, Ellen has only just gotten up and is sat at the table with a steaming mug of coffee. She does a double take when Dean comes through the kitchen door. 

“Dean what are you doing here so damn early? I haven’t even put the meat in yet!”

Dean shrugs and grabs himself his own mug of coffee. When he sits opposite Ellen at the table she has an eyebrow raised and a knowing smirk on her face.

Dean sighs, “What is it?”

“You’re sweet on that Castiel aren’t you?” 

“Wha- No,” “YES!” shouts Jo at the same time as Dean as she comes bounding down the stairs that lead to the second floor.

Ellen chuckles as Dean shouts back at Jo, “Do not!”

“Shut up, liar,”

“Okay, okay!” Dean and Jo turn to Ellen who has just placed her empty mug in the kitchen sink, “Now Dean, don’t you try and deny your feelin’s for that boy, I’ve seen the way you look at him and I see the way he looks at you,” Dean lowers his head, with a small smile on his face, Jo sniggers a little before Ellen turns to her, “And you young lady, don’t think I haven’t seen what you’re like with Charlie,” Jo stares at Ellen wide eyed as Dean snaps his head up.

“How did you—“

“I’m not blind Joanna-Beth. Just because you two snap apart when I enter a room, doesn’t mean I haven’t been watching you beforehand.”

It’s Jo’s turn to lower her head and Ellen puts her two fingers under her chin to lift it so Jo can look into her eyes, “Darlin’, I don’t care who you love,” Jo opens her mouth, presumably to say she doesn’t love Charlie, that they haven’t been dating long enough, but Ellen places a finger over her lips, “Regardless of what gender, sex or whatever they are. I love you, and I’ll love whomever you choose,”

Jo’s eyes fill with tears and she wraps her arms around Ellen’s shoulders. And if Dean was truthful with himself, he would admit that even he teared up a little. But Dean Winchester does not cry.

After a while, Ellen pulls back, cheeks a little wet, “Alright, alright, this food’s not going to make itself,”

She turns away from Jo to get out the chicken. When she faces them again, they’re still gawking at her.

“Shut your traps and get to work!”

They busy themselves with preparing the food, Dean readies the vegetables, Jo makes the stuffing, and Ellen starts creating her pies. She’s making Dean’s second favourite, cherry, (first being apple) and one with a new filling, chocolate orange. Dean constantly tries to steal some of the filling, but his hand is always batted away by Ellen’s wooden spoon.

Bobby and Sam turn up at about 1pm just as Ellen is putting the finishing touches on her pies. She gets them to set up the table, bringing in two extra chairs from the bar for Castiel and Charlie. 

“Hello?” shouts a familiar voice from the bar, just as Ellen is exchanging the meat for the pies in the oven. 

Jo runs out of the kitchen and into the bar and Dean follows after her. She jumps Charlie and lands a huge kiss on her lips. Charlie almost falls over, but Castiel catches her just in time. 

Once Jo has released her, they rested their foreheads together.

“Not that I didn’t love that,” Charlie whispers, breathless after that forceful kiss, “but what the hell was that for?”

Jo gave Charlie another small, sweet kiss before answering, “My mom knows about us and she didn’t go apeshit.” She grinned, and Charlie followed after.

Dean was so entranced by the scene that he didn’t notice that Castiel had come to stand next to him.

“Hello Dean,” he said. That damn low, gravelly voice made Dean near jump out of his skin.

“Damn it, Cas! Don’t do that!”

“My apologies,” he said, although he didn’t look that sorry.

“Come on, let’s leave these two to it, come and meet everyone,” Dean said, nudging Castiel towards the door to the kitchen. Castiel looked at Dean worriedly for a second and Dean put a reassuring hand on his shoulder, which seemed to relax him, if only a little.

When Dean and Cas entered the kitchen, Sam smiled wide, “Hey, Cas right?” he said, to which Cas nodded and gave him a small smile in return. 

Bobby stood up from the table and held a hand out for Castiel, “Nice to finally meet you boy. Dean here never shuts up about you,” he said as Castiel took his hand and shook it. 

“God, Bobby really?” Dean complained, Castiel hasn’t been here for more than ten minutes and he’s already been told stuff that Dean didn’t want told. 

Castiel chuckles a little and Dean just melts. He can feel Castiel relax under his hand and Dean’s really fucking glad that he’s comfortable around his family. 

Ellen finishes plating up and invites everyone to sit down. Throughout the dinner there is constant banter thrown around. Castiel stays quiet but occasionally laughs at Bobby and Ellen reprimanding the others and at the terrible jokes that Dean comes up with. If Dean was a peacock, he’d definitely be preening his feathers right now.

When all of their plates are empty, it’s just in time for the timer on the oven to go off.

“PIE!” Dean all but jumps out of the chair to get the pies out of the oven.

“Put oven gloves on first ya idjit!” Bobby shouts. Oh yeah, he almost forgot... But he was just so excited for the pie… _Mm pie._

He opens the oven door and… well sweet Jesus that is glorious. He collects both of the pies from the oven shelves and places them on the side, eyeing them hungrily.

“You know you’re going to have to wait for that to cool a bit right?” Sam sniggers and Dean turns to send a glare his way. Everyone laughs and he blushes. What? Can’t a guy love his pie?

He gets some vanilla ice-cream out of the freezer and puts in on the counter, before reluctantly sending one longing glance to his pie (as if to say ‘I’ll be back baby’) and sitting back down in his seat next to Castiel, which isn’t so bad.

Castiel had a lopsided smile on his face as he glances toward Dean, who returns it, making Castiel’s cheeks grow pink, and if that isn’t the most endearing thing ever Dean doesn’t know what is. After Castiel’s eyes leave his own they return to the conversation at the table, which, right now is about some girl who just transferred to Sam’s school, Jess.

Jo and Dean look at each other before both singing, “Sammy’s got a girlfriend! Sammy’s got a girlfriend!”

“Shut up! Jerks!” 

“Bitch!”

“Dean! Language!”

Charlie and Castiel are laughing and soon everyone else joins in as well. Dean looks around at his little family and smiles to himself.

Finally, it’s time for pie and he cuts himself a nice healthy slice of each pie and two scoops of ice-cream. If it were up to him he’d have both pies completely to himself, but Ellen says he has to ‘share’. He doesn’t mind though because that first taste of cherry pie is… There are no words. And the chocolate orange pie? Mm. 

As Dean is eating the pie, he glances towards Castiel whose eyes have darkened to a deep navy blue and the pupils are fully dilated. Dean thinks mischievously to himself, time to amp it up. He positively groans over the next bite of pie and Castiel almost drops his spoon. Dean smirks a little and drags his lips over the spoon.

“Jesus, Dean would you get a room?” Sam says, oblivious to the little exchange him and Castiel are having. 

“No thanks Sammy, I’m good here,” he smirks, winking at Castiel.

Castiel blushes further and drops his gaze.

“It’s Sam, for the last time,” 

“Whatever you say Sammy,”

Sam groans and drops his head to the table.

Dean finishes shovelling the pie and ice-cream into his mouth and throws his fork down on his plate, sitting back and rubbing his stomach. 

“Ellen, that was great, really,” he said, punctuated by the noises of agreement around the table.

“Well that’s mighty sweet of you all,” she says as she stands, “Now all of you, put your plates on the side and you can go upstairs in Jo’s room and watch a movie,”

Everyone stands, groaning as they do; ready to burst from all the food they’ve consumed. Jo, Charlie, Sam, Castiel and Dean all walk up the stairs to Jo’s room. Before they all clamber onto Jo’s bed, Dean calls Castiel back. 

“Can you help me out with some drinks Cas?” Dean gets a small nod in return and he follows Dean back out of the room. 

This is it, Dean thinks. If he doesn’t do it now he’ll regret it. 

He stops just before the top of the stairs and turns towards Castiel, who almost walks into him.

“Dean?” Castiel says, tilting his head.

Dean’s eyes flicker between Castiel’s and drop down to his lips. Castiel seems to realize what’s going on because his breath hitches in his throat. Dean closes the hair’s breadth gap between them and presses his lips to Castiel’s. 

The first thing Dean registers is how warm, those lips are, soft and warm. Dean tilts his head to get a better angle and he feels Castiel relax a little and he melts into it. Dean licks along the seam of Castiel’s lips, requesting entrance. Castiel opens his mouth and Dean’s tongue slips in, moving against Castiel’s. 

All too soon, Dean feels Castiel tense up. He pushes against Dean’s shoulder and mumbles against his mouth, “Dean, stop, please,” before pulling off completely.

Dean looks at Castiel confused. That was the best kiss he’s shared in a long time. Maybe better than with Lisa, and Castiel wants it to end?

“Cas? What’s wrong?”

“I can’t Dean, I can’t,” he mumbles, shaking his head.

“What do you mean you can’t?”

“It means I can’t Dean!” Castiel hisses. He starts to shake, but Dean still pushes.

“What do you mean you can’t?! We’ve been flirting back and forth since we’ve met. Everyone else has seen it. I kiss you and you say you can’t?”

“Dean please, just drop it,” Castiel whispers, breathing heavily.

“No I won’t drop it Cas. I like you, and I’m pretty sure you like me, so what’s the problem?” 

Dean steps towards Castiel but he pushes Dean away and moves past him towards the stairs. Dean catches his wrist before he starts down them. 

“Cas please, tell me what’s wrong?” he implores, looking into Castiel’s eyes. 

Castiel wretches his arm from Dean’s grasp, “I can’t end up like Jimmy.”

Castiel turns and sprints out of the Roadhouse, leaving Dean, confused and hurt at the top of the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter titles is (of course) Good Times Bad Times by Led Zeppelin.
> 
> Oooooooo... did anyone see that coming huh? Please, give me feed back. I love your comments guys! They make me feel all schmoopy...
> 
> Kudos also (greatly) appreciated!
> 
> UPDATES! - i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com


	17. Dazed and Confused

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **_WARNING:_ Major depictions of abuse, self-harm, suicide and attempted suicide.**

Castiel races out of the Roadhouse. He doesn’t turn back when Bobby and Ellen call out his name.

He can’t breathe. His chest is tight. He can barely see where he’s walking due to the tears flooding from his eyes. He needs air. He needs to stop shaking. He needs to calm down. He needs… He needs…

He needs Jimmy.

Why did Dean have to kiss him? It was something that Castiel had wanted since he had met Dean, but when it finally happened all he could see was Jimmy and Charlie’s faces. Flashbacks to a time he’d much rather forget. Dean brought those memories back, and Castiel couldn’t deal with them. What a way to react to his first kiss. 

Castiel reaches the dorms without remembering much of the journey. He grabs onto the brick wall, trying to ground himself. _He **needs** to calm down_. His head is spinning and he can barely walk in a straight line. He practically crawls up the stairs to his dorm room; he hardly has the strength to even stand. 

He walks down the corridor to his room, but there’s someone in the way. He looks up at them but can’t distinguish who it is. No matter, he needs to get to his room. He pushes past them and makes a beeline for his dorm. 

He tries to shut out the person following him but there’s no lock on the door. Damn it. 

The bathroom. There’s a lock on that door.

He rushes to that door before he can be caught. When he’s finally alone, he looks at himself in the mirror. 

_Jimmy?_

No. No, it’s not Jimmy. It’s just Castiel. Why does he have to look exactly like Jimmy? Oh right, _twins_. Why couldn’t they’ve been fraternal twins? So that Castiel could look in the mirror without having his brother looking right back at him. He can’t even think about Jimmy, let alone see him. 

Castiel punches the glass. The glass shatters around his knuckles and distorts his face. There. That’s better. 

He pulls his hand away from the mirror, noticing that it’s covered blood. He stretches his hand out, watching a drop of blood stream down over his palm towards his wrist. He watches the drop fall down him forearm, bumping over his old scars. Interesting.

No. NO. Stop it. He can’t go down this path again. His hands start to shake again and he cries violently. 

He sees Charlie’s face, hovering over his own. 

“CASTIEL! DON’T YOU DARE DIE ON ME!”

He drops to the floor. He needs to control his breathing. In and out. In. Out. In. Out.

One final, logical thought pops into his head and he knows what he needs to do. He reaches for his cell phone, attempting to navigate through it to reach his contacts. He finds the number he needs on the first try and it rings. Once. Twice. Thr-

“Hello?”

“Pam?” he says through a fit of tears, “Dr. Barnes?”

“Yes, who is this?”

“It’s,” In, “Castiel,” Out.

“Castiel? What is it honey?”

“I… Dean… he…I,”

“Okay, Castiel here’s what we’ve got to do; we need to calm your breathing down, alright? You with me?”

“I’m… with you,” he breathes, kind of. 

“Alright, with me, I want you to breathe in for four and out for four, ready?”

Castiel nods and makes a noise of confirmation.

“Breathe deeply in, 1, 2, 3, 4, now let all of that out, 2, 3, 4. Now, keep doing that until you feel you’ve calmed down a little,”

Castiel continues to do so, eyes closed, hand gripping onto the phone, his other lying limp at his side. His shaking minimizes and he feels slightly more in control of his actions. 

He continues to breathe until his body melts and relaxes onto the wall. 

“I’m calm,” he says, though he doesn’t completely feel it.

“Good, now, what started this Castiel?”

“I…,” he takes a deep breath, “Dean kissed me,”

There’s silence on the other end so he takes that as queue to go on. “I can’t like him Pam. I can’t end up like Jimmy,”

“Who’s Jimmy?” she says, in that same warm, motherly tone she used when they met.

“He’s my twin brother,” he pause, “He’s dead.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

**TEN YEARS AGO**

“Castiel, come _on_!”

“Jimmy, slow down!”

Castiel chases after Jimmy, who’s running towards the swings. It is finally Saturday, the day the Novak children are allowed to go out and play for an hour. Their parents don’t like them going out on week days, not when there are chores to do and homework to catch up on. They can’t go out on Sunday either. That’s when the family goes to the local church. It’s the one day a week they see their father out of his office. 

They’re at the park, a block away from the house. Michael is sat on the bench near the gate watching over everyone. Gabriel is sneaking up behind him with a slug in his hand to shove down Michael’s shirt. Hester is on the slide and Jimmy and Castiel are at the swings. Luke didn’t want to come out today. 

They reach the swings and Jimmy jumps on the seat, throwing his legs up in the air to start gaining momentum. Castiel settles softly onto his and lets his legs hang, toes resting on the ground.

“Cas look how high I am!” Jimmy shouts, as he swings forward, legs outstretched, back arched.

Castiel smiles at his brother. Considering they’re twins, they couldn’t be more different. Jimmy is the more boisterous, adventurous and confident of the two. He has a lot of friends in school and is sometimes team captain in gym. Castiel is the quiet one. He sits alone, normally with a book or just watches people. He’s normally labelled as the weird one and is always picked last in gym, unless his brother is team captain. Castiel doesn’t mind. He doesn’t enjoy sport anyway; Jimmy only chooses him so he doesn’t get left out.

“Excuse me?”

Castiel turns to a little girl standing next to him. He smiles and raises his eyebrows in question.

“Could I have a go?” she says in reference to the swing. Castiel nods and moves away. He sits on the grass next to Jimmy’s swing and watches as he slows down. He comes to sit next to Castiel and picks at the grass.

“Are you feeling okay?” he says, poking Castiel in the side. Castiel flinches away at the pain that shoots around his body. “Sorry,” Jimmy apologizes. 

Father said that it was necessary. That he was doing God’s work. He said he deserved it for his sins. 

Castiel kissed a boy in class on Friday. The school had called his parents and they were informed of the incident. Gabriel explained that mother and father don’t approve of boys kissing boys. He said they only like it when boys kiss girls. Castiel doesn’t understand. He doesn’t want to kiss girls.

Jimmy said it didn’t matter. But father didn’t agree.

After that day Castiel didn’t kiss a boy again. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

**SIX YEARS AGO**

Luke had been gone for years. There was a big argument between him and Michael and their father and he left pretty quickly after that. Father said he had gotten out of control. No one dared disagree.

Now Gabriel was leaving. He hadn’t told anyone else except for Castiel and Jimmy. He hasn’t told Hester because she would cry and then tell mother and father. Castiel understands why he has to go. Gabriel said he doesn’t fit into the ‘family dynamic’. He constantly sneaks out, and when he does return he smells of alcohol and smoke. He’s never gotten caught but Gabriel doesn’t want to tiptoe around their parents anymore. 

Castiel is jostled out of sleep by Gabriel. He turns to look at his alarm clock, 2.17am. He squints and looks around the room. Jimmy is standing over Gabriel’s shoulder looking solemn. 

“I’m leaving now buddy,” Gabriel whispers, “You’ve got my email address if you need me.” He winks and turns to Jimmy, giving him a hug and a pat on the back. He faces Castiel again, who’s now sat up in his bed. Gabriel leans down and embraces his brother. If Castiel wasn’t so tired he would probably cry. "If you're ever in LA, hit me up, okay?" Gabriel says and he pulls back, patting Castiel on the shoulder.

Gabriel grabs his duffel bag from by the door and peeks out into the hall. Once he deems it safe, he takes a step out. Before he leaves he pokes his head around the door, “Remember kids, you didn’t see anything,” he says waving his hands up and down, sliding out of view and shutting the door. Castiel thinks it must be a reference because Jimmy starts laughing quietly.

When Jimmy stops laughing he looks down and nudges Castiel over on his bed. He slips in next to Castiel and lies on his back, staring at the ceiling. They lie in silence for a while before Jimmy whispers, “Cas?”

Castiel answers with a hum, looking over at Jimmy. 

“Do you remember when you kissed that boy in elementary school?” 

Castiel remembers. He remembers his father’s reaction more than the reason for it however. 

“Yes, why?” Castiel asks, searching Jimmy’s face for any clue as to what he was getting at. 

“Well, I think I like boys, the way we’re supposed to like girls, but I like them both equally… Does that make sense?” 

Castiel’s eyes widen at Jimmy’s declaration. Father will not like that. “Not really. I thought we were only supposed to like girls.”

Jimmy shakes his head and looks to Castiel. “No, I spoke to Gabriel about it. He said that it’s not unusual. Not all boys like girls and not all girls like boys. Some like both and some don’t mind. He said he thinks I’m bisexual,” 

“Oh.” is all Castiel can think to say. He thinks he might be like that, but he doesn’t like girls. Maybe he only likes boys.

“I think I only like boys,” Castiel says, after a while. Jimmy nods beside him. “Father doesn’t like it though,” Castiel says sadly. 

“I know,” Jimmy answers. He slides down the bed and turns on his side, facing Castiel. He stretches his pinky in front of Castiel, “Keep this just between us?”

Castiel nods and copies Jimmy’s gesture, locking their pinky fingers together before letting go. 

“You promise?” Castiel whispers. 

“I promise,” Jimmy mumbles in reply, already half asleep. 

Castiel closes his eyes and drifts off.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

**FIVE YEARS AGO**

Today is Castiel and Jimmy’s first day of high school. They arrive early like all the other freshmen and collect their schedules. Jimmy doesn’t have any classes with Castiel. 

They split up at Jimmy’s locker and agree to meet there later. 

Castiel’s day goes exactly how he expects it to go. Uneventful. Until I.T.

Castiel sits down in an empty seat near the back of the room next to a red headed girl who smiles at him. He returns it without much enthusiasm.

“Hi I’m Charlie!” she says cheerily.

“Castiel,” he mumbles, not particularly interested. 

“Well nice to meet you,” she says, undeterred by Castiel’s rudeness. He gives her a small, awkward smile in return and stares at his computer like it has deeply offended him. He’s never had to use one before. Mother says that they’re pointless inventions. That books are just as useful and easily attainable. 

“Are you okay?” Charlie says, looking at Castiel curiously.

“I’ve never used one of these before.”

“WHAT?” Charlie exclaims, making Castiel jump.

“I’ve never had the need,” he says, a little irritated.

“Really?”

“Yes,” Castiel says slowly.

“Wow,” Charlie breathes, genuinely astounded, “Well, you have nothing to worry about. Charlie Bradbury, computer genius and master hacker at your service,” she says, bowing a little awkwardly in her chair. The sight makes Castiel laugh, a small laugh, but a laugh nonetheless and Charlie smiles, excited that she made a new friend on the first day. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Castiel’s parents didn’t approve of Charlie. Surprise, surprise. They said they didn’t agree with her ‘lifestyle choices’. In short, they didn’t like that fact that she was an out and proud lesbian. 

Castiel was told not to ‘fraternize’ with her. Did he listen? No.

That was Castiel’s first act of defiance. And to be honest, it frightened him, but he also found it strangely liberating. 

He would tell his parents he was studying at the library when he was really hanging out at Charlie’s house. Her parents were lovely. They were supportive of her and they loved her no matter what. They treated Castiel like part of the family and when Castiel told Charlie that he was gay, they didn’t treat him any differently. It was refreshing. He only wished his parents would be the same.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

**THREE YEARS AGO**

"You're going to what?!"

Jimmy was crazy. Absolutely crazy. Why he thought it was a good idea Castiel will never know. 

“Jimmy, you can’t be serious,” Castiel deadpans, still not believing what he’s hearing.

“What? If they don’t like it, they can shove it up their asses,” Castiel’s eyes widen at the expletive, Jimmy scoff, “I don’t want to tiptoe around them for the rest of my life, Cas.”

Castiel shakes his head and looks at the floor. Of all the ideas that Jimmy’s had, this takes the cake. Coming out to their parents? _Their parents?_ It was ridiculous. Their parents went to anti-gay protests for pity sake. 

“Why can’t you wait until we get to college?” 

“Because I don’t want to live in fear anymore Castiel,” 

That shuts Castiel up. Jimmy had been seeing a boy in school for a few months and they constantly had to hide so that no one in their church would find out and tell their parents. 

“I love him Cas. I don’t want to hide anymore. He doesn’t either. I want to be able to walk down the street with him, holding his hand. I want to kiss him in public without the constant fear of our parents finding out. I want a normal relationship, not a secret one.”

All Castiel can do is nod. He still thinks its nuts, but when Jimmy sets his mind on something, he follows through. He can understand where he’s coming from too. At least Jimmy has the option of dating a girl.

“I’m telling them tonight,” Jimmy says with determination. 

“Tonight?!” Castiel exclaims, shocked that Jimmy’s announcement will be so soon.

Jimmy nods and turns to leave the room.

Later that night, when Jimmy tells their parents, Michael, Castiel and Hester are all sent upstairs while their parents have a ‘quick word’ with Jimmy. 

When Castiel is upstairs, all he hears is his father’s bellowing, Jimmy crying and screaming and the violent sound of his father’s fist against Jimmy’s skin. Hester runs into Castiel’s room and cries into his shoulder. Castiel cries too, holding Hester close to his chest. He cries for Jimmy and for himself. He’s gay and one day his parents will know, and that is what he has to look forward to. Violent rejection.

He hears his father’s heavy footsteps on the stairs and a scrambling, presumably Jimmy, being dragged by their father, trying to hold himself up. 

Jimmy is thrown into his room and Castiel and Hester snap their heads up to see their father, angrier than they’ve ever seen him. Jimmy has multiple red marks all over his face, neck and arms, his clothes covering the rest. 

“Hester, go back to your room,” he shouts. She scrambles from Castiel, gives him a worried glance and runs to her room, “James, you have 15 minutes to collect your things, say your goodbyes and leave this house for good, you are not a Novak anymore.”

He turns and slams the door. Castiel and Jimmy wince at the sound. Castiel throws his arms around Jimmy, careful not to hug too tightly to hurt him.

“Jimmy, I’m so sorry.” 

Jimmy starts crying hard into Castiel’s shoulder, “I thought they’d react badly, but not that bad,” he says through his tears.

Five minutes gone and Jimmy hasn’t yet moved out of Castiel’s arms. They only part when there’s a knock on the door. It’s Hester, come to say goodbye to Jimmy. 

“I’ll miss you,” she says, which only makes Jimmy cry harder. 

Castiel collects his things for him and gives him one last hug goodbye. 

“I love you,” Castiel whispers.

“I love you too,” Jimmy says in return. As Jimmy leaves, Castiel stands in their doorway. Michael's door opens and steps out into the hall. Michael gives Jimmy a weak smile. They don't hug, but they know that this is goodbye. Jimmy reaches the stairs and gives one last broken look at Castiel.

Little did he know that that would be the last time he saw Jimmy alive.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Castiel hadn’t seen Jimmy in school. Not after the night he came out to their parents. He’d seen Brandon, Jimmy’s boyfriend, but Jimmy was never with him. 

At the end of the week, he decided to rustle up the confidence to confront Brandon. When he does, he wishes he didn’t. 

Jimmy was apparently Brandon’s little gay experiment. The whole time it had apparently been a bet to see if he could get ‘the little fag’ to tell him he loved him. When he did, Brandon broke it off and laughed in his face. It took everything Castiel had not to punch the assbutt in the face.

When Castiel got home that night, he was exhausted. He finished his homework and skipped dinner. He didn’t want to think. He didn’t know where his brother was. Something didn’t feel right. Maybe it was twin telepathy, or whatever Jimmy called it, but not seeing Jimmy for a week sent alarm bells ringing in Castiel’s head.

Castiel led his head down on his pillow. He was surprised when is made a crinkling sound as he relaxed. 

He picked up his pillow to find a letter underneath. From Jimmy. 

Castiel ripped it open, desperate for any form of news from his brother. He was not expecting what was on the page. 

_Castiel,_

_Before I start this letter, I just want you to know how much I love you. You’re my brother, my twin, my best friend. I don’t want you blaming yourself for what I’m about to do._

_I can’t go on anymore Cas. I’ve lost my family. I’ve lost my "boyfriend", although I never really had him in the first place. Can you believe that the whole time we were dating, it was just an act? They had a bet going to see if he could make me love him. And I fell for it. Hard._

_I feel like such a fool. An idiot._

_Well, I’m done. I don’t have anything left to live for. Tell Michael and Hester goodbye from me. I doubt mother and father would care._

_I’ll watch over you Castiel. I promise._

_Jimmy_

_P.S. don’t end up like me._

Castiel can’t believe what he’s reading. A suicide note? What?

Castiel doesn’t realize he’s crying hysterically until his tears hit the letter. 

The first thing he does when he gathers the strength is call Charlie.

“Cas what is it?”

“Jimmy’s going to kill himself,” he answers bluntly.

“What?”

“He left me a suicide note.” It doesn’t feel like it’s him saying it. His mouth moves, but he doesn’t have control. 

“Is there any clue to where he might be?” Charlie says. Thank God she’s staying calm because Castiel doesn’t know how long he’s got until he cracks.

“There’s an address for a motel on the letter,” he states, emotionless, even though his mind is going crazy.

“Okay, I’ll be there in ten. We might get there before it’s too late,”

The line goes dead. Castiel crumples the paper up in his hand. He can’t wait ten minutes. He needs to get there now. 

He sneaks out of the house and makes his way down the road. He might as well meet Charlie half way. He needs to do something otherwise, who knows what he’ll do. 

He still holds the letter in his hand and continues to roll it around in his palm as he walks down the path.

Finally he sees Charlie’s car coming towards him. He jumps inside, before the car is even fully at a halt and barks the address at Charlie. They speed down the road and get to the motel in record time. 

Charlie has to bribe the owner to tell them where Jimmy’s room is. When they finally get the number, Castiel rushes to the room. He knocks. 

Nothing. 

Again, he knocks.

No answer. 

He grows frantic and pounds on the door screaming Jimmy’s name. Charlie is beside him, trying to calm him down but he won’t have it. His brother is in there. He could be dead. Charlie said she’s called the cops. He needs to see Jimmy before they get here. He needs to help him. 

Castiel shakes the door handle and the door opens a little, but it’s on a latch. He rams his shoulder into the door. Once, twice, three times, four. 

He gets the door open on the fifth try and stands in the doorway. He collapses against the doorframe.

Jimmy hung himself.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

**PRESENT DAY**

“I don’t remember much after that. Only that I woke up in my own bed in the morning and my parents didn’t say anything about it. I thought it was a nightmare, until Charlie told me otherwise. 

“He didn’t even get a proper funeral. Just a burial that I wasn’t even allowed to attend. I had to sneak out to get there. It was only me and Charlie. I paid for his headstone. It was all I could afford. It read, “James ‘Jimmy’ Novak, Beloved brother.” That was it. My parents didn’t deserve to have him as their son. They were poison. He was the best brother anyone could have. And was gone.”

“What drove you to your attempted suicide?” Oh right, he was still on the phone to Pam.

“Um, well, after that, I couldn’t get the image of him… hanging, out of my mind. It felt like I had lost a half of myself, y'know? I started self-harming, just to focus on the physical pain instead of the mental. It was never enough. I, uh, I cut Charlie out of my life for a while. My parent’s noticed my problems and sent me to a psychiatrist. He put me on a whole bunch of drugs, most of which I didn’t need. I made the mistake of telling him that I was gay, which lead to him blaming my homosexuality for my problems. Thankfully my parents didn’t find out, doctor-patient confidentiality and all. But it just drove me further and further into depression. I stopped eating. I lost a lot of weight. My parents did nothing about it. I kept self-harming but it was just never enough. Throughout all this I still attended school every day, so my parents didn't have anything else to be angry about. 

“The day I planned to do it, Charlie noticed my absence at school and immediately knew something was up. She tried calling me but I let it go to voice-mail. I waited until my mother went out for groceries and I went into the bathroom. I threw back as many pills as I could and cut two, vertical lines in each wrist. I don’t remember much after that, only Charlie trying to wake me up, shouting at me not to die on her. 

“I passed out again and woke up in the hospital, hooked up to multiple wires and machines. Charlie was there and her parents. They were so happy that I was awake. My parents never visited me. Michael and Hester tried, according to Charlie, but their parents forbid it.

“When I had recovered, that’s when I was admitted to the psych ward. I was there for two months under observation. The group therapy sessions helped, but I refused one on one sessions. Charlie and her parents visited me, and Michael and Hester tried but again, my parents didn’t allow it. 

“When I got out, I returned home and my parents acted as if nothing happened. Hester and Michael were so happy, but only when our parents weren't around. After that I snapped. I screamed at my parents for refusing to acknowledge I had attempted suicide and they blamed me for attempting to ‘play God.’

“I let slip that I was gay and I was thrown out. Charlie’s parents took me in and Charlie and I finished school. We both took a year out to save up for college before going. I had a savings account that my parents had been putting money into since I was young, and since it opened to me when I turned sixteen, my parents didn't have any control over it. And now I’m here.”

Castiel took a long, deep breath. He’d never spoken to anyone about that before. Charlie knew. But that was only because she was there throughout the whole thing. She had been Castiel’s rock, and he’s pretty sure he’d be dead without her. 

“CASTIEL! CAS! OPEN UP!”

Charlie was at the door. She was probably having a major freak out. She probably thought Castiel was trying to do… it, again.

He crawls towards the door and flicks the lock. Charlie scrambles in through the door and takes in the scene. She lets out a huge sigh of relief when she sees Castiel, alive and well, kind of, sitting on the floor. She rushes towards Castiel and pulls him into a near bone-crushing hug. 

“Is that Charlie?” Pam says on the phone. “Yes,” he replies, unsure of what else to say. Charlie lets him go and sits next to him and examines his mangled hand. He notices that Dean isn’t with her, thank God. He doesn’t think he’d be able to deal with him right now.

“Castiel I want you to come in to see me tomorrow. I’ll cancel my afternoon appointments, and it’ll give you a chance to have a bit of a lie in,” she says, a smile evident at the end of her sentence.

Castiel huffs a laugh, “Yeah, if I can even fall asleep,” 

“Even if you can’t sleep, try to relax,” Pam says. 

“Okay Pam, thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he says, finally able to breathe. He ends the call.

Castiel turns his head and places his forehead on Charlie’s shoulder as she starts wrapping his hand. 

He’s exhausted. Huh, maybe he will be able to sleep after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Dazed and Confused by Led Zeppelin.
> 
> This chapter was extremely hard to write. I couldn't write Jimmy's suicide without bawling like a baby... I'm sorry about all the sadness. This should only carry on for few more chapters...
> 
> PLEASE COMMENT! YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME! KUDOS ALSO! THANK YOU, YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLES!
> 
> UPDATES! - i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com


	18. Babe I'm Gonna Leave You

Dean stares at the spot where Castiel was just standing. Rejection hurts. A lot. Now he understands what it had felt like for all those one-night stands he had in the past that wanted something more, and Dean just didn't want to give it to them.

He doesn't know how long he stands there before Charlie emerges from Jo's bedroom to ask what's wrong.

"I kissed Cas," he mumbles and sighs deeply, "He ran out on me."

"What?!" Charlie exclaims. She stands in front of Dean, blocking his sight of the spot where Castiel had once stood and places her hands on his shoulders, looking into his eyes with a worried look inside of them.

"Dean, did he say anything before he left?" she pleads. Dean was confused as to why she was so scared. Castiel had just freaked out about Dean kissing him. It was obvious now that he had read all the signs wrong. 

"He said something about not ending up like Jimmy," 

"Shit," Charlie says, and she drops her hands from Dean's shoulders to run a hand through her hair.

"I don't get it. Who's Jimmy?" he asks, trying to search her face for an answer.

"Look, there's a lot about Cas you don't know and I won't be the one to explain it all to you. He has to do that himself. Right now, I just need to find him," she explains quickly, and she turns to walk down the stairs.

"I'll come with-"

"No."

"No?"

Charlie sighs and runs a hand through her hair again. Nervous habit. 

"I think you’ve done enough. I think it’d be a good idea to just… stay away for a little bit,” she says slowly, avoiding his eyes. She turns and leaves Dean, exactly how Castiel had left him. 

What she said had hit him like a punch to the gut. Stay away? Dean feels incredibly guilty. He shouldn’t have come on so strongly to Castiel and Dean pushed him when he couldn’t give Dean a straight answer as to why he didn’t want to kiss him. There are clearly some things that haunt Castiel. The look in his eyes as he pulled away from Dean had shown that. 

Maybe it is a good idea to stay away. 

He turns to go back into Jo’s room, where Sam and Jo are sitting on Jo’s bed, looking at him expectantly.

“What happened?” Sam asks, concerned, taking in Dean’s solemn expression. 

“Cas and Charlie have gone,” he says matter-of-factly. He doesn’t want to say anything, but he knows he owes them some sort of explanation. It doesn’t mean they’ll get it out of him easily. 

“Why?” Jo asks this time, concern evident in her voice.

He sighs and moves over to the bed and throws himself down onto the unoccupied space, staring at the ceiling. 

“I kissed Cas, and he kind of freaked out. I don’t know what I did wrong. He kept saying that he couldn’t. He looked pretty messed up,” He closes his eyes as he says the last part, picturing Castiel just before he ran, eyes wide and frantic, his body shaking. 

All he gets is a small “oh” from Jo and silence from Sam.

“Charlie said I should stay away for a while,” he says with his eyes still closed. He feels Jo brush hand through his hair.

“I’m sorry Dean,” Jo says. He nods and just lays there. After a while Jo moves to lie next to him, her head resting at the crook of his neck. She grabs his hand and rubs circles into the knuckles with her thumb.

“You can stay with us for a while,” she whispers after a while. Dean puts an arm around her and pulls her close, placing a kiss to the top of her head. 

He knows he has no other option than to stay here. Bobby’s isn’t an option ‘cause he can’t drive back and forth between college every day. The Roadhouse is walking distance from the university so it’s the best option. He just doesn’t want to impose on Ellen and Jo.

“I know what you’re thinking Winchester,” Jo says, pushing on his chest to look at him. She raises her eyebrows pointedly and rolls her eyes. “You are staying here and that’s final… Obviously after we ask mom first but she won’t mind. Stop thinking you’re a damn burden on everyone. If you’ve got no place else to go, you’ve always got us.”

Dean searches her eyes for a minute for any sign of uncertainty. But when he comes up short he just sighs again and nods with his eyes shut. 

“Good. Now, we are watching a terrible movie. I’m getting us some junk food, some beer and we’ll lose ourselves in a shitty plot, yes?” She jumps up from the bed as she addresses them, watching them expectantly.

Jo gets smiles from both Dean and Sam in reply, so she nods her head and makes her way downstairs. 

“No beer for me thanks Jo!” Sam shouts down, earning a roll of the eyes from Dean and a “Spoil sport!” shouted back from Jo.

Sam and Dean sit in a comfortable silence for a few minutes before Sam breaks it, “I’m sorry Dean,” to which Dean shrugs in reply. They fall back into silence again after that.

“So,” Dean says teasingly, “what about this Jess chick, huh?”

Sam turns beet red and looks away with a small smile. 

“She, uh, she just transferred. She’s in a few of my classes and we were partnered together for an English assignment,” he says, smiling, but still avoiding Dean’s eyes. 

“Wait, wait, wait!” Jo says, running into the room with two bottles of beer, a can of Coke, a bag a Doritos and some twizzlers in her arms. She throws it all into the middle of the bed and joins the boys.

“Continue your love story,” she says with a wave of her hand and a sly smile on her face.

Sam rolls his eyes and recounts the story of how he and Jess were partnered together. He says he got her number and they’d been texting back and forth and Sam’s going over her house during the week so they can study.

“Aww,” Jo says with a sickly sweet smile. Dean rolls his eyes again, but he’s happy for his (not so) little brother. The Sasquatch deserves to have a bit of romance in his life. He’s been studying too hard. 

“Shut up,” Sam whines and flops down on the bed, his too-long hair creating a halo around his head. Dean really needs to drag the kid to a barber.

After that Jo puts in ‘Sharknado’, (why she bought the DVD Dean will never know) and they watch the movie with the volume down, providing a hilarious commentary, or at least they think it is. 

About halfway through the movie, Jo turns to Dean, “My mom said you’re welcome to stay here but you need to get some stuff from your dorm. We don’t really have anything for guys to wear,” she says, the last sentence said a little forlornly. 

Jo’s dad died in a hunting accident with Dean’s father. For a while, after Ellen told Jo she didn’t talk to Dean. But she eventually came around and they've been closer than ever. 

However, what she said will mean that Dean will have to go back to the dorm in the first place. He really doesn’t want to run into Castiel because he doesn't know what will happen. He might freak out and Dean does not want that. He doesn't need more reasons for him or Charlie to hate him. 

“Could you ask Charlie when he’ll be out of the room?” he says, mind absent as he tries to think of a way to avoid Castiel when getting his stuff.

“Yeah sure, I’ll text her,”

She takes out her cell and sends a text to Charlie, before turning back to the movie.

It’s not until near the end of the movie that Jo gets a reply. “She said that Cas is sleeping in her dorm tonight so you’re welcome to get your stuff around 9,” she says holding her phone. She sends off another text and then crawls over to the DVD player to shut it off as the credits start to roll.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Jo says as she sits back on the bed. 

Dean shakes his head as he says, “Nah, I only need to get my clothes and books and shit, it’s not as if I’m moving out…” He says the last part with a bit of uncertainty. Will he have to move out? He hopes not. God, he’s so damn stupid. He’s ruined his chances at keeping a dorm room on campus, all because he couldn’t keep his feelings for Cas under control.

He looks at the time and it reads 8.30pm. The dorms are like ten minutes away, and he doesn’t want to chance running into Castiel. So, he leaves at around 9.10, hopefully late enough to not catch Castiel on the way to Charlie’s. 

He doesn’t even remember much of the walk there. He was too wrapped up in his own head, scolding himself for being so stupid, for pushing when it was obviously upsetting Castiel. 

When he reaches the dorms, he’s bombarded by the other housemates, asking Dean what the hell happened. Dean looks at them all confused, because he’s pretty sure none of them were there to witness him make an absolute prick of himself.

Anna approaches him first with a frantic look in her eyes, “Dean what the hell happened with Cas?”

“What about him?” Dean asks, squinting his eyes and furrowing his brow in question.

“Well, he came in here completely out of it, babbling about how he can’t end up like Jimmy or something and he completely ignored anyone who tried to help him. He just ran into his dorm and into the bathroom and locked the door. He seemed a little better when Charlie took him downstairs, but it kind of freaked us all out.” 

Other housemates gathered to hear the story and they all nod as Anna recounts the events.

Dean rests his hands on his hips and runs a hand through his hair as he listens to Anna. Man, he has really fucked up. 

“It’s not really something that I can tell,” Because he doesn’t really know, “and I’m pretty sure Cas wouldn’t want to broadcast it everywhere, so, just… don’t ask, okay?” This gets a number of apprehensive looks before they all slowly nod with a few, ‘Okay’s’ thrown in.

He blows out a heavy breath, gives Anna a small (not so) reassuring smile and leaves them all. He can feel their eyes on the back of his neck, and he finally escapes them as he shuts the door to the dorm room. 

When he looks around the room, he sees no evidence of Castiel’s state, until his eyes reach the bathroom. 

“Fuck,” he breathes as he reaches the door. 

The bathroom mirror has obviously been punched through. The glass is completely shattered, with a few shards in the sink and on the floor. There’s blood where fist clearly met glass, gathered in the cracks.

If Castiel had reacted this badly, then Dean fucked up. He fucked up really bad. There are obviously some serious reasons why Castiel didn’t want to kiss Dean, and him doing so had brought up something horrible.

Dean starts getting his stuff and shoving it all into his duffel bag, picking up enough clothes to last him at least a week and all of his college textbooks. He uses his backpack for his textbooks since the clothes fill up the duffel already. Once he’s done, he takes a look around the room.

He looks at Castiel’s bed and remembers all those nights he had soothed him back to sleep after a nightmare. He sees Castiel’s awful trench coat that he continually insists on wearing even though it looks two sizes too big. 

It feels terribly final, although Dean isn’t actually moving out. At least, he hopes he isn't.

His eyes sweep over everything one last time before he turns and leaves the room. 

He doesn’t speak to Castiel again for a month.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Babe I'm Gonna Leave You by Led Zeppelin.
> 
> Let me know what you think of this chapter, just say hey for all I care. I love hearing from you guys! Kudos are cool too.
> 
> If any of you guys do any fan art of this fic and want to show it to me or want to have any of it included or linked let me know cause that would be totally awesome!
> 
> Thank you for all your support so far! I'm feeling the love *hugs*
> 
> UPDATES! - i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com


	19. Feeling Good

Castiel was jostled from his ten minute long sleep by Charlie as she moved to stand up. Castiel groaned and collapsed onto the floor. He really wanted to wake up to tomorrow, but no. He has to go to bed and try to sleep again. He’s pretty sure he won’t be able to fall asleep again now.

He feels terribly groggy and his hand is throbbing. He really should’ve thought the whole punching the mirror thing through. Although it did let out a lot of his aggression, that still doesn’t mean it was a good idea.

“Come on Cas,” Charlie says as she picks Castiel up off the floor. He has a raging headache now and he feels incredibly dizzy. He grabs onto Charlie like he might fall off the face of the earth if he lets go.

“Okay, we’re laying you down mister,” Charlie says as she practically drags him from the bathroom to his bed. She lies him down on top of the covers and joins him when he’s settled. They both stare at the ceiling for a few moments, then Charlie breaks the silence.

“What happened Kitty-Cas?” she says, almost a whisper as she turns her head towards him. If the room wasn’t so quiet he probably wouldn’t have heard her. He sighs heavily before responding.

“Dean kissed me,” he says, at the same decibel as Charlie, “and I freaked out.” His eyes close slowly as he tries to think of how to explain the next part, “When I started kissing him… I saw you, after you’d found me when I tried to,” he coughs uncomfortably, “you know…” Charlie nods in understanding and rests her head on his shoulder, “I tried to push passed it but then when he deepened the kiss…I saw Jimmy…” he pauses, swallowing audibly, “hanging from that motel room ceiling and I—“ 

His throat clogs with emotion and he can’t continue. Tears stream down his face and he opens his eyes to see Charlie looking down at him with a worried expression. He starts to cry harder and he closes his eyes again, as the memory of when Charlie had found him not even half alive on the bathroom floor flashed into his mind once more. 

“Oh Cas,” Charlie breathes, sitting up. She lifts him up and into her arms. She rubs his back and whispers soothing words into his ears. “Shh, it’s okay, it’s all over now,” she repeats over and over until his gross sobbing becomes quiet and his tears come less frequently. He hiccups as he pulls away and looks at her face. She wipes a few tears of her own away and looks to Castiel with a comforting smile on her face.

“Thank you Charlie,” he says, and he doesn’t just mean for this right now. He’s saying thank you for becoming his friend, for the days she helped him escape his family and made him feel like a normal teenager for once. For introducing him to things he never would’ve been shown if he had stayed with his family. For just being an overall brilliant best friend. He can see she understands his meaning, if the smile and (hopefully happy) tear that falls down her cheek is anything to go by.

“Anytime,” she says sincerely, punctuating her word with a tight embrace. When they pull apart once more Charlie’s cell phone buzzes and her message tone rings out over the near silence of the room. Castiel chuckles at the ringtone. ‘Khaleesi!’ Jorah shouts from her phone. 

“Excuse me, I’m being summoned,” she says, and walks grandly over to her bag. Castiel chuckles at her and bows his head. She giggles and pulls out her phone, sighing as she reads it. 

“It’s Jo, she’s asking what time can Dean come over for his stuff.” 

Castiel groans and throws himself back on the bed. “I don’t want to deal with that right now,” he says into the crook of his elbow. “And you don’t have to,” comes Charlie’s reply as she places her phone back into her bag and joins Castiel on the bed once more. 

“I don’t know about you but I think this calls for some serious TV therapy,” she says and Castiel smiles as he takes his arm away from his face. “I’ve been meaning to watch this new show on Netflix anyway,” he says with a smirk, knowing that Charlie knows exactly which show he means. 

“We can watch Orange is that New Black now?” she says giddily and Castiel nods. She’s been meaning to start watching that show but she’s never had the time to really sit down and watch it. “We’ll just watch the first episode and then we can deal with Dean, yes?”

Castiel sighs deeply before nodding.

“Good,” Charlie says as she opens the laptop and brings up Netflix. 

Charlie sits back excitedly, hugging a pillow to her chest, her head popping out over the top and smiling goofily at the prospect of a new show and ultimately, a new fandom to join. She always gets so enthusiastic about new shows. She nearly threw up after finding out about Marvel’s Agents of Shield. 

Castiel tried to concentrate on the show, he really did, but his mind constantly travelled elsewhere, to plump lips and bright green eyes. Although Castiel had those awful flashbacks, he knew that he couldn’t deny how right it felt to have Dean’s lips on his. They were so soft and warm. When Dean kissed him and he saw Charlie’s face, he tried, desperately to push past it and seek out that feeling of affection that should come from kissing the person you’ve liked for so long for the first time. But the flashbacks became worse and Castiel had to pull away. He didn’t mean to hurt Dean, but the look in his eyes when Castiel pulled away had told him otherwise. It was full of sadness and pain. Dean looked as though Castiel had rejected him, but the way Castiel felt was the complete opposite. Castiel wanted to kiss that look away from Dean’s face, but the fear of seeing Jimmy again was too great and Castiel ran. 

Castiel wants nothing more than to be with Dean, and he feels faint happiness that the feelings are returned. But if Castiel would see Jimmy every time Dean would kiss him, it wouldn’t be worth it. To feel pain and affection at the same time would hurt Castiel. He doesn’t want Dean to be associated with that part of Castiel’s life so it’s just best if Dean stays away while Castiel works on healing his own mind. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Once the episode is over Charlie asks him what time Dean would be okay to come over. He looks at the time in the bottom corner of the laptop screen, indicating that it's 8.27pm. 

He sighs and looks at Charlie with pleading eyes. 

“Can I sleep in your dorm tonight?”

“Of course you can, Cas,” she says, with a small lopsided smile. “Okay,” he replies, “by the time I get all my stuff together, he can be over by 9.” Charlie nods and replies to Jo. She receives another message and smiles goofily at it. Castiel assumes Jo said something adorable, but he can’t help but roll his eyes at Charlie’s expression. 

Charlie tuts when she sees it, “Don’t be so bitter Cas,” she says affectionately, putting away her phone.

Castiel gathers the things he needs to stay at Charlie’s, his book bag for college, a change of clothes, his laptop. Once he has everything gathered Charlie picks up his book bag and her own and makes for the door. Castiel follows her out and walks in tandem with her towards the stairs. 

Charlie notices movement at the kitchen door and looks up to see Anna standing there. She mouths, ‘Is he okay?’ to which Charlie replies with a reassuring smile and a nod. Anna doesn’t look convinced but doesn’t push.

Once they arrive at Charlie’s dorm she makes her way inside. Meg greets them, with a predatory grin sent Castiel’s way. He rolls his eyes and joins Charlie on the bed with his laptop propped between them. They pick up where they left off with Orange is the New Black with Meg joining them after a while. 

They get about five episodes further and then agree to settle down since it’s about half past one in the morning by the time the episode finishes. 

Meg saunters over to her own bed, “Care to join me Clarence?” she purrs, pulling back the covers. 

“I’m good thanks Meg,” he says dryly, to which she replies with a shrug of the shoulders and a “your loss” thrown in. _Not really_ , Castiel thinks. 

Charlie and Castiel assume the same position they did when Castiel slept down here the last time, after their first time at the Roadhouse and Castiel freaked out about Dean thinking he liked him. It seems so foolish now. Dean had liked him back, but Castiel can’t do the same, no matter how much he wants to. 

He falls into a sleep disturbed by chants of ‘FAGGOT!’ and hanging brothers.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Castiel wakes to Charlie’s dorm room door closing. He wasn’t exactly asleep anyway so he might as well wake up now. Charlie’s still asleep next to him so he assumes it was Meg leaving for class.

He looks at Charlie’s clock on her bedside table and sees that it’s only 9am. He groans and throws his head back onto the shared pillow, accidently waking Charlie. 

“Wuh?” Charlie says unintelligibly as she’s jostled from sleep. 

“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you,” he mumbles as he buries his head deeper into the pillow willing himself to slip back into unconsciousness. 

Charlie rubs at her eyes for a moment before cracking open an eye and wincing at the light coming through the gap in the curtains. 

“Urgh, morning sucks,” she says through a yawn, stretching her arms above her head before smacking her lips together loudly. 

“Please, do that a little louder,” Castiel complains sarcastically, voice muffled by the pillow. He gets an earful of those sounds as Charlie’s retaliation. Castiel groans again and waves her away from his ear. Charlie chuckles, her voice still sleep-thick. 

“When are you going to see Pam today?” she asks him, a little tentatively. 

“I think after 12, she said she had cancelled her afternoon appointments for me,” Castiel states, to which Charlie looks genuinely surprised.

“She cancelled all her afternoon appointments for you?” she questions in awe. Castiel nods and smiles, realizing only now that he’s never had that done for him before. “Wow,” Charlie says, disbelieving. She turns to Castiel, “I like her,” she says sincerely, and Castiel replies with a small, “Me too.”

They watch a few more episodes of Orange is the New Black before heading off to Pamela’s office. They’re kind of glad for the break from college for the day; however Castiel did try to tell Charlie to go, which Charlie refused to do. “I’m not having you go alone.” Although Castiel doesn’t agree with Charlie skipping on her education just to help him out, he appreciates the support all the same. He also doesn't miss the double meaning of her statement.

They reach the office and Pamela is already standing outside her door with a smile. Castiel swears she's psychic.

“Do you need me to go in with you?” Charlie says quietly, and Castiel replies with a shake of his head. “Okay, I’m going to wait for you in that coffee shop we just walked past,” she says and with a nod of confirmation from Castiel, she turns with a reassuring smile and leaves Castiel in Pamela’s hands. 

“Come on in Cas,” she says as she walks into her office. He follows and immediately plops down into the beanbag opposite hers. She smiles; Castiel has already grown comfortable enough with her that he can feel relaxed in her presence. This development proves promising for Castiel’s recovery. 

During their session, they discuss the previous evening’s events and Castiel’s feelings towards Dean. He speaks fondly of him, and Pamela can tell how profound their bond is. She wants Castiel to overcome this fear of ending up like Jimmy, so he and Dean can be together. She’s an old romantic at heart after all. 

As they discuss Castiel’s past, the tissues come out and it takes a while for Castiel to deliver the whole story. Last night was about the facts, today is about how Castiel feels about them. When he does, he feels a huge pressure lift from his chest, and he feels much better, now that someone, apart from Charlie and her family, knows about his past.

Three hours later, Castiel emerges from Pam’s office, feeling fresh and new. He feels like a different person than the one that entered Pam’s office just a few hours ago. His worries and fears are still there, but he has new found hope for the future. Pamela has asked him to return to their normal arrangement of Thursday afternoons with her.

When Castiel reaches the coffee shop Charlie said she’d be at, he orders his own coffee and sits with her at the booth near the back that she had acquired. He smiles and she notices that change in him, “You look happy,” she says as she returns the smile. 

“I am,” he replies, and for once, he truly is. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Throughout the next month he works on gaining his confidence. Pam says that rustling up the courage to talk to others apart from Charlie should help him. She explained that although it’s lovely to have someone so close to you, it’s also a little unhealthy to become so co-dependent. Sometimes you need to give each other some space.

He sends Charlie off to the Roadhouse to spend more time with Jo. She protests leaving him alone, but he uses this time to get to know the others in the dorms on his floor. He gets closer to Anna and befriends Ash, Alfie, Tessa, Becky, Chuck and Adam. 

Ash is a tech genius and could give Charlie a run for her money. When Castiel tells Charlie this, she challenges Ash to a hack off. They do so and Ash comes a close second to Charlie. He takes it in his stride and says, “I’ll get ya next time, little red.” Charlie laughs at the nickname and Castiel revels at how easily Charlie gets along with him. Ash mentions that he’s in some of Dean’s classes and Castiel goes a little quiet after that. 

Alfie and Tessa are both so caring and sweet. It’s easy to see that they like each other, although neither of them has caught onto the other yet. Charlie, Anna and Ash have a wager going for when they do. Charlie, by the end of the week, Anna by the end of the month and Ash believes before Christmas.

Chuck and Becky are both writers, although they both differ in styles. Chuck says he’s writing a series of books about two brothers who drive around the country hunting monsters and the supernatural. Becky however, writes fan fiction. She and Charlie get along swimmingly, since Charlie is obsessed with fandoms and the like.

Adam is like the big brother of the group. He’s fiercely loyal and protective. He reminds Castiel a little of his older brother Michael. 

Castiel doesn’t speak to Dean for a while. He sees him around college, but never talks to him. Dean returns for clothes and such from time to time, but only when Castiel has class or is at Pam’s sessions. Castiel took to sleeping in Dean’s bed after a while just so he could be close to him. It still held Dean’s scent after so many weeks.

Pamela has been helping Castiel come to terms with his sexuality. Pamela, being pansexual herself, has had experience with becoming comfortable in her own sexuality and agrees with Castiel that it does take time. She has helped him realize Jimmy’s true meaning behind his suicide note. 

“I think what he meant by not ending up like him was that he didn’t want you torturing yourself for just being who you are. He loved you fiercely Castiel, and he didn’t want you to follow his example. He felt there was no way out of his situation, so he told you not to give up, he told you to keep going.”

Now that Castiel has had that explained to him, it makes sense. Jimmy would never tell Castiel to not be comfortable with who he is. He would tell him to shout it to the heavens and be proud of it. Castiel’s thoughts were so clouded with negativity that he didn’t see that and he feels foolish for not realizing sooner. 

That day, just over a month after Castiel’s last incident, he walks into the coffee shop near Pam’s office and buys his regular after-therapy coffee. When he turns to find a seat he spots Dean in the back booth with his laptop and a few books strewn over the table’s surface. Castiel smiles to himself. _Today's the day_ , he thinks.

With new found confidence and courage Castiel takes a deep breath and determinedly heads over to Dean’s table. As Castiel approaches he sees Dean look up and meet Castiel’s eyes with a surprised expression that turns to relief and slight nervousness as he gets closer. Castiel reaches his table and smiles, now slightly nervous himself.

“Hello Dean. Do you mind if I join you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Feeling Good by Muse (The version I like the best).
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, tell me all about it in the comments! You guys are awesome! Kudos are cool also...
> 
> If anyone has any art for this fic, show it to me cause that would be fucking awesome! If you do I may include it either in the story or link it in the notes...
> 
> UPDATES! - i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com


	20. Ramble On

“Hey, uh… Cas?” Dean says it as a question because, really, he can’t believe Cas is talking to him again. He seems a lot more confident now. It’s actually a little unsettling, as Dean seems to be the more anxious of the two. 

“So…” Cas says, a little awkwardly, “Can I sit?” He gives Dean a tentative smile and there’s a hopeful gleam in his eye. 

Dean stares at him for a further few seconds before he sees Castiel shift uncomfortably. “Oh, sorry, yeah, yeah of course.” Wow, Dean, way to ramble. 

Castiel practically beams at that and takes his seat opposite Dean. Dean returns the sentiment and closes his laptop, piling the textbooks off to one side to give Cas his full attention. “You look good,” Dean says and mentally chastises himself for letting that slip. Castiel smiles shyly and even comes out in a blush. 

“Thank you Dean,” he mumbles, or at least that’s what he thinks he says, it’s hard to hear in this damn coffee shop. “I hope you’re not offended by this, but you don’t look so good.”

Dean huffs a laugh. Ain't that the truth. Dean’s had an awful month, nightmares every night, no sleep. He picked up extra working hours where he could, although not without protests from Ellen and Bobby, but he needed to do something, he couldn't keep still. He couldn't get what happened between him and Cas out of his head. It was eating at him and he never had the balls just to pick up the phone or even go to their dorm when Cas was actually there. But Dean didn't want Cas to freak out again. He didn't want to be the cause of pain, or to be a negative in Cas’ life. It was just best to stay away. A few times he had reverted back to his high school days, stealing a bottle of whiskey from the back room at Ellen's. She found out pretty quickly and gave him a harsh talking to. Dean didn't do it again, but it didn't stop him from keeping his flask topped up.

Now Cas was here, just across the table, looking so much better. He was the one to approach Dean, that’s evidence enough. He had a sort of radiance about him that Dean couldn't quite place the source of. That it wasn't there a month ago. And if anyone asks, Dean did not use the word radiant to describe a guy. 

“Yeah,” Dean says bitterly, “I haven’t been sleeping much lately.”

Castiel’s mouth forms an ‘O’ and he nods in understanding, smiling sympathetically. It’s quiet for a few minutes before Dean speaks up. “What brings you here then Cas?” 

Cas tilts his head in that adorable little way of his and his brow furrows slightly. “Do you mean here with you, or in this coffee shop?”

Dean quirks a small, lopsided smile, “Either one,” he says, hoping for the first option. 

“Well, I just saw Pamela and I normally get a coffee afterwards,” Castiel says, matter-of-factly and pauses for a few seconds, contemplating how to approach his next answer, “and… I wanted to apologize, for the way I, uh, left you and for not speaking to you for a month.” Castiel is looking down at his hands, pointedly avoiding Dean’s gaze.

Dean stares, dumbfounded for a minute, before he once again, finds his voice. “Apologize?” He scoffs lightly, disbelieving. Castiel looks up, “I was the one in the wrong Cas. I shouldn't have done what I did, kissing you and pushing you to tell me why you couldn't.”

“No, Dean,” Cas interrupts, “it’s fine, I just,” he sighs, “there’s a lot of reasons why I couldn’t, and I don’t think I can tell you right now,” he looks around the shop to scan the crowd. 

For a moment, Dean catches a glimpse of the old Castiel, timid and anxious, but it’s gone in a flash and if Dean hadn’t been watching Castiel he wouldn’t have noticed. “I will tell you, but I don’t think I’m ready to yet.”

Yet. That means he will someday, so it’s not a resounding no. Dean will get answers; he just needs to be patient, to give Castiel the time he needs. Dean thinks he can deal with that. Dean nods and Castiel relaxes a little, although there’s still slight tension in Cas’ shoulders.

Castiel coughs uncomfortably, his body stiff, shoulders growing tenser. Dean looks at Castiel, confused for a moment before Cas speaks up.

“There was something else I wanted to ask of you Dean,” he says, squirming in his seat. Dean raises his eyebrows in invitation for Cas to go on. “Uh…” he says unintelligibly, all visible signs of comfort gone, replaced with awkwardness and unease. “I was wondering,” he coughs uncomfortably, “if you’d like to go out, on a date, with me?” He tilts his head down towards the table, eyeing his hands.

Dean smiles so wide, it feels like it literally does go from ear to ear. He places a tentative hand of top of Castiel’s and catches his deep azure eyes. “Of course Cas, I’d love to.”

Dean’s stomach flips when Castiel returns his grin. A month ago it would take a hell of a lot to coax such a smile out of Cas, but now, it seems so easy, and Dean brought that out in him. He wants to do so more often. 

“Are you free tomorrow night?” Castiel says hopefully, his thumb rubbing over Dean’s knuckle.

“I can probably work something out with Ellen. Let me give you my number,” Dean says, digging a pen from his bag. He takes Castiel’s hand, palm up and pushes his sleeve to reveal Castiel’s wrists. Oh. Dean forgot about the scars. He feels Cas tense for a second under his grip but relaxes and dips his head to catch Dean’s eye. He nods for him to go on and Dean’s heart swells with something that vaguely feels like pride. This is further evidence of Castiel feeling better and it makes Dean extremely happy for him. 

When he’s done, he runs his thumb along the long crease at the centre of Castiel’s palm and he reacts beautifully. He visibly shivers and his eyes flutter at the sensation. He licks his lips unconsciously and Dean tracks the movement of his tongue before it slips back inside his mouth.

The sound of a barista calling someone for their coffee shocks them out of their moment and Cas looks down shyly before raising his head again, a cocky gleam in his eye. “Do you know what happened to my roommate? He hasn’t been back to our room in just over a month,” he smiles mischievously, and damn if that isn’t the hottest thing Dean’s ever seen. 

“You still want me to be you’re roommate?” Dean asks, smiling genuinely. He was half expecting Cas to tell him to move out before now. 

“Of course, Dean,” Cas says with his brow furrowed in confusion, “Why? Did you think I was going to ask you to leave?” 

Dean hesitates, “Kind of, yeah,” he says quietly, rubbing the back of his neck. He returns to Castiel’s gaze when he feels slender fingers interlocking with his own. Castiel’s bold move shocks Dean for a moment, but he’s brought back when Cas answers, “Dean, I just needed some time to get my mind right, I had a lot of things to sort through. Right now, I’m in a good place, and I’d like to keep that good going. I want you to come back and be my roommate again.”

Dean smiles again, flattered that Cas thinks of him as a good thing. “Asking me to move in before we’ve even been on a date Cas?” he says, smiling impishly. Castiel rolls his eyes and tuts.

“Don’t push it, smartass,” he says, and Dean’s jaw drops. 

“What?”

“It’s just,” Dean stares, feigning shock, “you never swear,” he says exaggeratedly. 

Cas just shrugs, “Fuck it,” he says, totally blaze. Dean continues to stare and his nether regions perk up at the way the expletive rolls off of Cas' tongue.

“Who are you and what have you done with Castiel?”

Castiel’s eyes darken at Dean’s use of his full name. Interesting.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

God, Dean could not stop his hands shaking for the life of him.

It’s about 5 o'clock Friday evening and Dean is picking Cas up at 7. Ellen gave him the night off with a wink and a warning, ‘You treat that boy good, ya hear?’ Jo hasn’t started her shift yet so she’s using her free time to be a complete pain in Dean’s ass. She’s currently holding up two of Dean’s shirts for her inspection. She sighs and shakes her head.

“What now?” Dean whines. He’s already changed his shirt four times already, and not just because they look bad. He can’t stop sweating through them. 

“Do you own anything other than _plaid_?” she chastises, as if the pattern has deeply offended her. Dean throws up his arms in defeat and flops down onto the sofa bed he has claimed as his own for the past month. He sighs heavily, trying to disperse some of the nervous energy from his body. It doesn’t work.

“God dude, anyone would think someone just kicked your puppy,” Jo says. Dean shoots her a glare that reads, not helping dumbass, and she holds her hands up in apology. “Hey, sorry, but seriously are you that nervous?”

Dean sighs again. Nope, nothing. “Yeah,” he breathes. 

Jo sits down next to him, body turned to face him. “What are you afraid of?”

Dean hesitates before turning to her. He knows he can tell Jo anything when she uses that tone, and she won’t take the piss out of him. Maybe she will later when it’s joke worthy, but she knows when Dean’s feeling… sensitive. 

“I just don’t want another repeat of last time,” he says quietly, looking down into his lap. Jo places a hand on his shoulder to get his attention.

“Dean, he approached you. He wants this to happen as much as you do. I’ve seen him around campus and when Charlie talks about him... He seems so much more confident now.”

Dean isn’t convinced but he knows damn well he wants this. He didn’t even feel this way with Lisa, looking back on it. He’s kind of glad that that didn’t happen because he never would’ve met Cas. Sweet, wonderful Castiel, with his beautiful azure eyes and toothy, white smile. 

Yep. Dean is in trouble.

When Jo finally found a shirt she was happy with, a deep purple shirt that was at the bottom of his duffel that Dean didn’t even know he owned, she nodded her head at her choice and stood behind Dean looking into the mirror. 

“You’re gonna knock him dead,” she says. Dean chuckles.

“You know I’d rather not kill my date thank you,” he says sarcastically. She swats him playfully on the arm.

“You know what I mean, Winchester.”

“Whatever you say, Harvelle.”

They continue to bicker on the way downstairs into the bar, play fighting and throwing insults back and forth with no malice.

Ellen is waiting at the bar with her, not taking any shit, face, tapping her foot with her hands on her hips. Jo and Dean stop in their tracks.

“Would you kindly stop taunting my daughter so she can start work?” she says to Dean. 

Dean mumbles his apology, elbowing Jo as Ellen’s back is turned when she’s serving a customer. Jo retaliates with a punch to the shoulder, but it isn’t missed by Ellen.

“Jo! Get to work,” she scolds, but there’s no real heat behind it. 

“Yes, mom,” she says mockingly, earning a half-hearted slap upside the head. Dean laughs and shakes his head.

“You look very handsome Dean,” Ellen says, looking at Dean with a motherly warmth in her eyes. Dean blushes and looks down mumbling his thanks. She smiles and rolls her eyes. “Cas won’t know what hit him,” she says with a knowing wink. 

Their exchange is cut short by a high pitch squeal that sounds an awful lot like, “Charlie!” coming from Jo. She jumps over an empty space on the counter-top and runs to Charlie, a few patrons roll their eyes, another few laugh and a man at the bar scoffs and looks at them, disgusted. Ellen walks up to him and confronts him.

“You got a problem with my daughter and her girlfriend?” she says, her 'not-taking-any-shit' face back with a vengeance. 

“Yes actually,” he says with venom lining his voice. Wow, this asshole really wants to take on Ellen, and about her baby too? He’s got no chance. 

“Please share with the class,” she says, waving a hand sarcastically for him to continue. The whole Roadhouse is silent, watching the two in awe and a few terrified faces line the crowd. They must know what Ellen is like when she’s riled up.

“Well for starters, it’s an abomina—“

“Don’t you dare, with that whole ‘abomination’ crap. Anybody can love whom they choose, regardless of sex or gender or whatever the hell else. If you’ve got a problem with her, then you’ve got a problem with me. I’d rather not have some closed minded ass in my bar thank you. So I am asking you, kindly, to get the fuck out of my bar.”

The guy looks even more disgusted than before. He stands up from his stool, knocking the glass off the table with a smash. Wow, way to show off your masculinity dick bag. 

“And that goes for anyone else in this bar who doesn’t like it,” Ellen shouts, addressing everyone in the bar. “If no one likes being served by bisexual bartenders then we have an issue because we have two in this bar. Dean here,” she raises a hand to point out Dean, he blushes but doesn’t back away, “is going on a date with a guy tonight, and a pretty great one at that. So if anyone doesn’t like it, they can get the hell out.”

About two or three lone customers stand and leave the bar in revulsion, but apart from those few, Ellen is met with rapturous applause and shouts of praise from the remaining crowd. Charlie and Jo shout the loudest. Charlie shouts, “Way to go Mrs. H!” while Jo shouts, “Woo! Mom you’re awesome!”

Charlie and Jo kiss for a brief second before pulling away and walking up to the bar, arm in arm. They smile and say their thanks to Ellen who brushes it off and says, “Nobody insults my babies.” Charlie preens at being labelled as one of Ellen’s babies and lays her head on Jo’s shoulder.

“Now that that’s over with,” Ellen says, “Back to work missy.” Jo rolls her eyes and kisses Charlie’s temple before returning behind the bar.

Charlie turns to Dean, who is still amazed at what Ellen did and it takes a few attempts to get his attention. 

“Yo Dean!” Charlie shouts, waving a hand in front of Dean’s face. He blinks rapidly and shakes his head turning to Charlie. 

“Yeah?”

“Can I talk to you a minute? Privately?” she says and Dean squints his eyes in suspicion. 

“Okay,” he says slowly, dragging out the word and motioning for Charlie to follow him out into the back room. 

Once they’re alone, Charlie points a finger to Dean’s chest as she says, “I’m only going to say this once and once only, so you better get this into that thick skull of yours.” She gets closer to Dean, who backs up into a small corner, a little intimidated by Charlie at this current minute. She takes a close second to Ellen in his list of women who can actually scare Dean. He stares at her wide-eyed, like a dear in headlights.

She says slowly, her face mere inches from his own, “You fuck with Cas, you are gonna be in a world of hurt, you understand?” Dean nods rapidly and Charlie sees fit to continue. “You hurt him, and I will go all Daenerys Targaryen on your ass, got it?” 

“Got it,” he rasps, terrified by Charlie. God, she could be scary when she wants to. She is a red head Dean guesses, they’re known for being fierce.

“Good,” she says slowly, with fake sweetness. She looks down at her Harry Potter watch, the face painted to look like the time-turner from Prisoner of Azkaban. “You better get going if you don’t want to be late picking Cas up,” she says pointedly. Dean nods rapidly once more and squeezes out from the corner Charlie backed him up into. She catches his wrist, pulling him back for a minute, the fierceness drained from her features and genuine worry taking its place.

“Seriously Dean, please, don’t hurt him. He’s had enough shit to deal with as it is,” she pleads, concerned for her friend. Dean doesn’t plan on hurting Cas, never has and hopefully, never will. He wants this and he doesn’t plan on messing it up.

“I won’t Charlie, I want this. I want him.”

Clearly satisfied with her answer she smiles and swats his ass.

“Go get him then, tiger,” she says with a sultry wink.

He doesn’t need telling twice. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dean runs his hand lovingly over the Impala’s roof. He’s so glad to have his baby back. It didn’t take much to fix her, just some body work and a paint job. Nothing major. He still doesn’t think she’s completely forgiven him for beating at her with a crowbar, but it’ll heal with time.

He hops into the driver’s side and stretches his fingers over the steering wheel. He takes a deep breath, letting the smell of the leather interior calm him. It helps a little but he’s still completely and utterly nervous. 

He just hopes this goes well. He doesn’t want to hurt Cas again. He doesn’t want to cause him more pain than he’s already been in. Dean doesn’t know much, but just from seeing the broken mirror in their dorm room Dean understands that Cas has been through a lot. Dean knows how much anger and heart ache it takes to lash out like that. Take, smashing up his baby for example. Dean knows how that can feel, and he’s not willing to push Castiel more than he already has.

In no time at all, Dean is in the parking lot of the dorms, waiting for Cas. His nervousness grows with every passing minute, but as soon as he sees Castiel exit the building smiling at Dean like he’s the most wonderful thing it the world, all the anxiety drains from his body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Ramble On by Led Zeppelin.
> 
> Wooo! They're finally going on a date you guys! You'll have to wait til Cas' chapter to see how it goes though...
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments below. I love seeing your guys' feedback! Kudos are also pretty cool!
> 
> UPDATES! - i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com
> 
> If anyone has or wants to do art for this let me know or show me cause that would be friggin' awesome!


	21. Sharp Dressed Man

Castiel paces his side of the dorm room. He can’t keep still. His hands are trembling. He shakes them violently to diffuse the nervous energy built up there. He starts to feel a little calmer so he sits down on the bed. After a while, it’s back with a vengeance. His leg starts bouncing and he starts sweating profusely. He starts drumming his fingers on his knee and he’s just sat too still. He gets up to start pacing again.

God, where the heck is Charlie? She was supposed to be here ten minutes ago to help him calm the hell down and to help him get ready. Apparently she thinks he’ll end up dressing like a tax accountant if he has to dress himself. “A suit and your trench coat? Really Cas?” she has said previously. 

Finally, after pacing for what has felt like hours, which had him continually checking the time, Charlie enters the room. 

“Where the hell have you been?” Castiel urges, stalking over to Charlie. 

“Jesus calm down, crazy eyes,” she says with a smirk. Castiel gives her an indignant glare. “Fine, fine if you must know I was just getting you some of this,” she holds up a stick of what Castiel guesses is eyeliner. His glare turns melts and he huffs a laugh.

“Thanks,” he says with a smile, as he takes the pencil from her hands. He puts it on his desk for the time being and turns to Charlie, holding his hands out before dropping them. “Help me?” he says. 

There’s a flicker of something in Charlie’s eyes, pride maybe? There is a strong warmth there that Castiel has been seeing more and more lately. To be honest, Castiel would never have asked anyone, not even Charlie for that matter, for help, not even for the simplest of things. Now, so much has changed and Castiel feels much more comfortable just asking Charlie for a hand. Their friendship has grown even stronger for it, Castiel has noticed.

Charlie smiles and nods her. She walks over to Castiel’s closet and pulls down a towel from the top shelf. She throws it towards him and he catches it one handed. 

“You,” she says, pointing a finger at Castiel, “Go shower. You’re all sweaty and it’s distracting.” She shudders exaggeratedly and Castiel rolls his eyes, but he does as he’s told. His showers have grown increasingly longer over the past few weeks. Mostly because he has become more comfortable with the urges he suppressed not so long ago. It may seem strange, but Castiel had never touched himself until recently. He always thought it was something he should contain and something that he could not indulge in because the need to explore would ultimately be too great. After all the sessions with Pamela and his new understanding of Jimmy’s message, he’s not ashamed any more. Pamela said it was natural to be curious about your body. 

Right now, Castiel has one hand resting against the wall, and the other is fisting the shaft, with just the right pressure. Once he has found the perfect rhythm, he tips his head back, eyes closed with his mouth forming an ‘O’ at the pleasure. His knees weaken as that glorious heat starts to build and he turns to lean his back up against the tiled wall. 

The heat and pressure that flows from the shower, heightens the sensitiveness of his skin and the urge to come is too much. With a final upstroke, he thumbs through the slit; Castiel comes with a quiet gasp, Dean’s name escaping in the same breath.

When Castiel returns to his dorm, clean, refreshed and entirely relaxed (boneless really), Charlie gives him a knowing smirk. 

“What?” Castiel asks.

Charlie shrugs, “Nothing,” but that smirk doesn’t dissipate from her features. Castiel eyes her suspiciously as she makes the final choice for Castiel’s outfit, but she doesn’t push the matter further. When she returns to his gaze she has a shit-eating grin plastered on her face and Castiel rolls his eyes as she wiggles her brows suggestively. 

“Okay, okay, enough of that,” Castiel says, to which Charlie snickers. She presents the outfit to him and tells him sternly to not sweat through it as she can’t find anything else that’ll make him look ‘positively fuckable’. Castiel blanches at that, nerves burrowing their way back under his skin.

Is that what Dean will expect of him? Is that all Dean really wants from him? He can feel himself starting to panic, but before it can fully set in, Charlie grabs onto his shoulders.

“Cas,” she urges, searching for his gaze. When he finally looks her in the eye, she continues, “Do not worry, okay? Dean wants you for more than just sex. I’ve seen the way he looks at you and most of the time it’s actually gross how sweet it is.” Castiel blows out a breath and relaxes his shoulders, so Charlie can see that he’s once again calm. He looks down for a moment.

“Really?” he whispers to the floor, before looking back up to Charlie for confirmation. 

“Uh-huh. At one point I almost threw up in my mouth.”

Castiel laughs and all the tension melts from his body. Once again, Charlie has shown how good a friend she is by saying the right thing at the right time. Castiel nods his head to let Charlie know he’s ready and she hands him the clothes. 

In the end, Charlie chose a black button down with a fitted, but loosely structured, grey plaid blazer with tidy black skinny jeans. Castiel suggested a tie, but Charlie shook her head, “You’re going on a date Cas not to a business meeting.”

Once he had changed, Charlie attacked him with a lint roller. She unbuttoned the top two buttons on his shirt, and then did them up again, preferring them unbuttoned. She applied his eyeliner with practiced ease and smudged it out a little. She gave him some boots to wear and fussed over him for a further twenty minutes.

When she was finally happy with the result, she stood back and admired her work. 

“Wow, I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again, if I was into dick I’d jump you right now.”

“Yeah, well even if you were, it wouldn’t matter. I don’t find vaginas particularly enticing.” Charlie rolls her eyes, but looks slightly impressed. He would’ve never been comfortable to admit that before. 

“Right, well Dean gets here in an hour, so I’m off,” Charlie says collecting her things.

“Wait what? No no no, you have to wait with me, I’m going to go nuts,” he says pleadingly. Charlie approaches him and takes his face into her hands.

“Cas you’ll be fine,” she says, eyes not giving away any indication of doubt or hesitation. Castiel nods and Charlie pats his cheek. 

On her way out he hears her mumble, “I’ll make sure of it,” and before Castiel can ask her what she means by that, she’s disappeared out of the door. Castiel sighs heavily and drops his head. This is going to be a long hour.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Castiel couldn’t spend another minute shut inside his room, so he ventures out into the common room. Ash and Adam are sat on cushions in front of the TV, playing Call of Duty on the PlayStation 3 that Ash finally set up. Becky is sat at the table typing furiously into her laptop with a crazed look in her eye, Tessa and Alfie are sat close together on the couch, although there’s a lot of room that’s not being taken up. 

Castiel flops down into this space and sighs heavily, running a hand through his hair.

“Sup man?” Ash says not tearing his eyes away from the screen, fingers still working frantically over the controller.

“Dean doesn’t arrive for another forty-five minutes,” he says, voice low, shaking a little.

“You nervous?” Tessa asks, although she looks like she already knows the answer.

Castiel doesn’t answer, just holds out a trembling hand for her inspection. 

“Wow,” she says, “Guess you really like him huh?” she says with a knowing smile, her eyes flickering quickly to Alfie then back again. Castiel gives her his own knowing smile and she blushes when Alfie looks between them confused. 

“You need something to take your mind off it for a while?” Adam says, pausing the game and turning to Castiel, holding out the controller. Castiel stares at it for a second, as if it’s some object from another universe, before shaking his head. “Maybe another time,” he says politely. Adam shrugs just as Becky interrupts. 

“You can proof read this if you’d like Cas?” she says, peering over the laptop. Adam grips onto his arm tightly, grabbing his attention. He mouths ‘don’t do it’ and shakes his head vigorously. To be honest, Castiel is a little curious to see what Becky writes about so he turns to Becky again and smiles, releasing his arm from Adam’s death grip. 

As he walks around the couch, he notices all four of his friends signing the cross and kissing their hands before holding them out towards Castiel with solemn expressions on their faces.

It can’t be that bad, can it?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It’s that bad. 

Maybe even worse.

For someone who is a) not male and b) not gay, she certainly knows a lot about the male anatomy and their sexual practices. Castiel is a little mentally scarred, to say the least, and that's coming from an actual gay man.

When he’s done reading her passage, he gulps and gives Becky a hesitant, but hopefully reassuring smile. She seems to be happy with her reaction as she clicks a button and a message comes up on screen reading ‘posted’. 

He stands slowly and returns to his original seat. Alfie pats him on the back, while Ash mouths, ‘you survived dude’. 

Castiel checks his watch and sees that it’s almost 7. He lets out a heavy breath and makes a move to stand up. Tessa puts a hand on his before he can do so, and looks at him kindly, “Do you want me to come down with you?”

Castiel considers this for a moment, “No it’s alright,” he says, giving her a grateful smile and stands up. As he leaves, there’s a chorus of good lucks and some reassuring touches. 

He appreciates it.

He walks down the stairs, trying to calm himself. He doesn’t want to seem too eager, so he slows his pace and takes his time.

Before he knows it he’s outside, searching the parking lot for any sign of Dean. He spots a beautiful, sleek black car in the lot that he has never seen before and recognizes that its Dean sat in the front seat. 

Castiel smiles brightly as he catches Dean’s eye. His smile is returned and Dean steps out of the car to greet him. Dean’s eyes rake over Castiel’s body appreciatively and Castiel mirrors him. Dean wears a deep purple shirt that hugs his form, accentuating the muscles in his arms and his chest. 

Dean flicks his tongue out to wet his bottom lip, seemingly unconsciously, and Castiel tracks its movement. Dean’s eyes flicker to Castiel’s and he notices were Castiel’s gaze is fixed. Dean starts to lean forward and Castiel only now realizes how close they truly are. Castiel’s head is buzzing with anticipation and he closes his eyes, ready to feel the touch of soft lips to his, only to be met with a sweet, chaste kiss on the cheek. "Hi Cas," Dean says as he pulls back a little.

Castiel sighs softly, content, before replying, "Hello Dean."

Dean leads Castiel to the passenger side of the car and opens the door for him. Castiel smiles up at Dean as he slides inside, reveling at the soft, smooth feel of the leather interior. Dean slips back into the driver’s side and looks over to Castiel, “Nice huh?” 

Castiel nods and breathes, “She’s beautiful.”

Dean seems to like Castiel’s comment and he rubs the dashboard affectionately. “She is,” he says. 

“I’m sorry, do you need a moment?” Castiel says teasingly, a smirk making an appearance on his face.

Dean huffs a laugh and shakes his head. “I’m good, thanks Cas,” he says, sarcasm dripping from his words, but it’s softened by a warm smile. “You ready to get out of here?” Dean says, a mixture of nervousness, hope and anticipation clear in his eyes. 

“Of course, Dean,” he answers. 

As Dean starts the car, Castiel looks up to where the windows are for their dorm. In the main window stand five figures. One, presumably Becky, holds up a sign that reads ‘Have Fun!’ with a winky face at the end. He chuckles and shakes his head.

“What?” Dean asks as he puts the car into reverse. Castiel nods his head in the direction of the windows and Dean looks up curiously. He smiles when he sees the sign and salutes to them before turning to Castiel. He takes his hand after putting the car in drive, “We will,” he says with a genuine smile.

Castiel returns it and squeezes the warm hand in his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Sharp Dressed Man by ZZ Top.
> 
> Gahh, this damn chapter... Please tell me if there are any grammar/punctuation/spelling mistakes here cause I've literally just finished this and it's 3.20am... I just really wanted to get this out so we can get to the real good stuff in the next chapter...
> 
> This was the outfit inspiration for Cas' date with Dean... ignore the tie... http://i01.i.aliimg.com/wsphoto/v0/1108481247/autumn-british-style-men-s-long-sleeve-plaid-suit-fashion-male-casual-slim-blazer-single-breasted.jpg
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments... say stuff, I like seeing your guys' feedback, it really helps!  
> Thank you for all of your comments, kudos etc so far. You guys are awesome!
> 
> Got any art? Show me. Want to do some? Go ahead! It would be freaking cool!
> 
> UPDATES! - i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com


	22. Get Lucky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hands you box of goodies* Here, have a fluffy date and some very detailed, very dirty smut... you're welcome.  
> This chapter is a bit longer than the others too sooooo... you're welcome once again. *curtseys gracefully*  
> (I switch POV in this chapter also so watch out for it)

During the drive, they sit in a comfortable silence. Dean steals quick glances at Cas, and he’s pretty sure he spies Cas staring at him a few times in his peripheral vision. The silence is only broken by Cas occasionally giving Dean directions to where they’re spending their date. 

Dean has a vague idea of where they are heading and starts getting excited as they take a turn into the parking lot. 

“Benny’s?” Dean asks with a mixture of elation and scepticism. 

“Of course, where else?” Cas replies with a smile and Dean’s heart swells. 

Benny’s is a quaint little restaurant at the edge of town. It’s basically a slightly more sophisticated, cosier diner. Benny, the chef, is a genius. He makes the best bacon cheeseburgers Dean has ever tasted so it’s basically Dean’s favourite restaurant. He hasn't had a chance to come out here in a while and he’s ecstatic that Cas chose this place for their first date. 

“You know this is kind of my favourite restaurant?” Dean says as he meets Cas outside the car.

“Really?” Cas says with a happily surprised expression on his face. 

“Mm-hmm,” Dean replies nodding his head eagerly, “how did you know about this place?”

“Well when Charlie and I first came here, we tried finding quiet places to go out to eat and we came across this place, their bacon cheeseburgers are the most delectable things I have ever graced my mouth with.”

Dean stops in his tracks and stares at Cas with his mouth hanging open. If there was anything that would make Cas more perfect for Dean, this would be one of those things.

“Dean?” Cas asks concerned.

Dean shakes himself out of his trance and grabs Castiel’s hand, practically dragging him to the door. 

“Come on Cas! Those bacon cheeseburgers won’t eat themselves.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When they get inside, Cas’ laughter calming down, they greet the front of house and are shown to a table. Since the restaurant is quite small, and literally on the edge of town, it’s not exactly that popular. It’s kind of a good thing though because it’s never too busy and they get served straight away. 

Their waitress is a chirpy blonde, and Dean notices that her name tag says ‘Jess’. She has just led them to the table when he asks, “You aren't, by any chance, friends with Sam Winchester are you?” 

She blushes and answers with a curious smile, “I am. Do you know him?” 

“I just happen to be his brother, Dean,” he says as he sits down, with a grin. 

“Really?” she asks and Dean nods, “Well it’s nice to meet you. Sam speaks very fondly of you,” she answers, with a hint of amusement. 

“Oh God, what has he told you?” Dean questions with a groan, although still smiling. No doubt Sam has told this girl countless stories of Dean.

“Oh, many things,” she reveals, with a sly grin. “But my favourite has to be the time that you were drunk and you pretended to be Batman. You jumped off of Bobby’s garage roof and broke your arm,” she says trying to hold back her laughter. Cas, who’s sat in the booth seat opposite isn't holding back his laughter. “And when Bobby drove you to the hospital, all you were saying to Sam in the back-seat was, ‘I’m not Batman, I’m not Batman.’” 

She doesn't hold back her laughter now, and Dean buries his head in his hands. Sam had to tell her that one?

When Jess’ laughter dies down, she wipes a tear from her eye, bringing her attention back to Dean and Cas. 

“Can I get you guys any drinks?” she says, switching back to waitress mode. She pulls out her pen and pad and looks back and forth from Dean to Cas expectantly. They order and Jess hands them both menus before she leaves to get their drinks.

“How about that, ay?” Dean says, turning back to Cas, who has a fond expression on his face. “What?”

“Nothing,” Cas says. Dean catches a lopsided smile and a blush before Cas hides behind the menu. Dean shakes his head and turns his attention to his own menu, although he knows exactly what he wants to order. 

Cas drops his menu first and Dean follows. They stare at each other for a few minutes. They seem to be doing that a lot. It’s strange really, like some unspoken language that only Dean and Cas know how to understand. Dean can tell exactly what Cas is feeling when looking into his eyes, and at the emotion written on his features. Right now, Cas is looking at Dean with soft affection. The light behind his eyes is one give away, while the other is the small, lopsided upturn of his lips. Damn those lips. 

They’re interrupted by Jess, who comes back with their drinks. She coughs pointedly and they snap their attention to her. She raises a brow and smirks knowingly. “You guys ready to order?” 

They hum their conformation and Cas nods to Dean for him to order first. He gets a bacon cheeseburger, extra bacon, with a side of fries. Cas’ eyes light up, even brighter than they were a moment ago, and he orders the same.

They fall into easy conversation as they wait for their food. Castiel tells Dean of their housemates and the new friendships he’s forged with them. Dean tells Castiel stories of his makeshift family and his work at the garage and the Roadhouse.

“So how’s college going?” Dean asks Cas, after a while. Their hands are ghosting over each other’s in the middle of the table. 

“Quite well,” he says, “I changed my major.”

“You did? Weren't you doing Religious History?”

“I did, and I was.” Castiel looks solemn for a moment, before his expression brightens as he turns back to Dean, “I realized I was doing it for others rather than myself, so I changed it.”

Dean guesses that there’s more to that story, but he won’t push. He remembers how well that went last time. 

“That’s great Cas. What did you change it to?”

“Fine Arts,” Cas replies and Dean’s eyes widen in surprise.

“Really? I never even knew you liked art.”

“Oh yes, I always have, I just never pursued it because it wasn't exactly something my family wanted for me,” he says, that solemn expression returning. Dean places a hand on top of Castiel’s hoping to ease that expression from his face. He doesn't like that look on Castiel.

It does the trick, because Cas looks up and gives Dean a small, shy smile. “I can show you a few of my sketches sometime, if you’d like?”

Dean nods, just as Jess brings their food to the table. Dean rubs his hands together, eager to get started on his burger, but is instantly distracted by the positively pornographic noises escaping from Cas’ mouth. 

When Dean looks up, Cas’ eyes are closed, with a pleasured expression on his face, the constant furrow in his brow smoothed over. He chews slowly and breathes out of his nose. Dean has never been turned on by someone eating a burger before.

He opens his eyes again, blushing when he realizes that Dean has been staring. He smiles bashfully as he says, “These make me very happy.”

“I can see that,” is Dean’s reply, an amused smile on his face. 

While they eat, they continue their earlier conversation of college subjects and what they want to do in the future. Dean tells Cas about his Mechanical Engineering courses. It was more of a family business thing but fixing cars has always been something Dean has wanted to do. He likes taking a completely run down, battered old car and restoring it to its former glory. His dream is to open up a restoration shop and to have a team just as passionate as him, for classic cars, to help him restore them. Bobby has already told Dean he plans on passing Singer's Salvage Yard onto him when he retires.

Throughout Dean’s speech, Castiel listens intently, looking so completely fascinated by Dean and his dreams. It comforts Dean, and when Castiel tells him how wonderful it all sounds, he grins like a pure idiot. 

Whenever Dean has told others of this dream, they don’t fully understand it. They think it's a common job, not something worth pursuing a career in. Dean doesn’t think of it as just fixing cars, it’s giving something new life and making something positive from a wreck. 

After their burgers, they order pie. Of course. 

When they have their bill, Cas says that, since he asked Dean on the date, he should get it, but Dean can’t just let Cas pay for the entire bill. In the end, they split it, but as long as Cas gets to pay the tip. As Dean gets up, so does Castiel. Dean holds out a hand for Castiel to take. He blushes, but takes Dean's hand, smiling shyly.

They leave, waving goodbye to Jessica on the way, hand in hand. 

Dean leads them back to the Impala, and starts the engine, once they’re both inside. Dean has an idea just as he starts the car.

“I want to take you somewhere,” he says abruptly to Cas, who gives him a strange look and a drawn out ‘okay’ in reply. “Just... trust me, you’ll like it.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Castiel furrows his brow further as he looks at Dean quizzically. Where is Dean taking him?

They sit in relative silence for the journey, only broken when Dean starts singing along to Led Zeppelin. Castiel recognizes the Lord of the Rings reference in Ramble On. He mentions so and Dean looks at him like he’s grown a second head.

“Lord of the Rings. Seriously? You’re a Led Zeppelin fan but you don’t recognize the blatant Lord of the Rings reference?” Castiel says to Dean accusingly. 

“Jeez sorry, I knew there was one in there somewhere, but I’ve never noticed it. I’ve never had a chance to get around to reading them,” Dean replies, ashamed.

Castiel huffs a laugh and Dean turns to him, as much as he can while driving. “What?” 

“It’s just for once, I get a popular culture reference and you’re none the wiser,” Castiel says, chuckling. 

Dean grumbles, “Shuddup,” but Castiel continues to laugh. 

All too soon, the car stops and Dean announces that they’re here. 

Castiel glances around, looking at the area surrounding the car. All he can make out is that they’re in a clearing surrounded by trees and he immediately gets nervous. Does Dean expect him to… y’know? 

Before Castiel can get too worked up, his door opens and a hand is offered to help him out of the car. He takes it and is pulled out into the clearing. He stumbles a little but Dean catches him and pulls him close. There is about a hairs breadth between their noses and Castiel looks into Dean’s eyes, his own eyes wide and curious as to whether this is it. This is the moment Dean will kiss him. Again. 

Just as Castiel is about to close the distance between their lips, Dean breathes in rapidly and pulls away, his arms sliding down Castiel’s, grabbing his hand to lead him somewhere. To say that Castiel is disappointed is a vast understatement.

As they walk, Dean pushes back various different branches and bush leaves out of the way, creating a path for them both to walk through.

“I haven’t been back here in a while, so everything has started to grow over,” he says quietly, only loud enough for Castiel to hear. 

Castiel starts to wonder why Dean is leading him through the woods when the trees and bushes start to recede and it becomes clear again. The view that greets Castiel is… exquisite. 

They’re at the top of a steep hill, overlooking the entire town. The multicoloured lights of the town line the streets like the stars have been reflected onto the ground. Car lights travel down the roads, and the faint sound of car horns reaches his ears. It's peaceful.

Castiel looks to Dean who wears an expression close to hope. Castiel smiles at him, “It’s beautiful.” With that Dean relaxes visibly. 

“I used to come up here sometimes. Whenever I was upset or just when I needed space, I would sit up here for hours just watching the cars, and listening to the sounds of the town. It sounds stupid, I know,” Dean states, looking down.

Castiel turns to him, lifting Dean's head, gently, with his fingers. “Dean, it’s beautiful, really. It’s lovely that you have some place to call your own, a place to relax and ease your worries. Thank you for sharing it with me.”

Once again they are incredibly close, just a few inches between them. Dean takes a step closer to Castiel and closes the distance between their bodies. Castiel’s breath catches in his throat as Dean starts to lean in. Dean nudges Castiel’s nose when he’s close enough, signalling for Castiel to lift his head slightly. He does so, just as Dean breathes a “Thank _you_ ” on his lips. 

Castiel is just about to ask what for, when Dean captures his lips.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dean is surprised when Cas is the one to deepen the kiss. He opens his mouth experimentally and Dean follows, his tongue slipping through, past Cas’ teeth as Cas’ own tongue meets his. Cas is forceful, but curiously so, as if this is the first real kiss he’s ever had. And is it? Cas has never before mentioned any previous experience, but then again, neither has Dean. But the way Cas is exploring Dean’s mouth, it’s as if it’s the first time he’s ever touched someone this way. 

Dean’s hands slip down from their grip on Castiel’s arms, down to his waist, causing Cas to wrap his arms around Dean’s neck, bringing them impossibly closer. Dean groans at the feel of Cas against his body, and his cock gives an interested twitch. Given the hard bulk, growing in Cas’ own jeans, he’s interested too. 

They kiss hungrily, rutting against each other, for a few minutes, before the need to breathe becomes too great and Dean pulls away reluctantly. Cas chases his lips, which makes 

Dean chuckle lightly, “Let a guy breathe, Cas.” Castiel harrumphs in reply, like a petulant child, which makes Dean chuckle even more. 

Dean rests his head against Cas’ and breathes, “D’you wanna head back to the car?”

Cas pulls back a little, hesitance clear in his features and Dean interrupts before he can protest. “We don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with,” he says quietly, as if Cas is a petrified woodland creature, who might be scared off if he talks to loudly. 

Cas nods his head slowly, looking up to Dean with wide eyes, still hesitant although, with an element of eager anticipation and curiosity. Dean leans in for another quick peck, before leading Cas back to the car. 

They both climb into the back and settle into the seat side-by-side. Nervousness radiates from Cas, so Dean places a hand on top of his own and runs his thumb across the knuckles. “It’s okay,” he says quietly, “I won’t hurt you, I promise.” 

Cas smiles, still slightly nervous, but a touch more comfortable now Dean has reassured him. Dean leans in once more, with Castiel the one who closes the space between them. 

As the kiss deepens, Dean’s hand slips under Cas’ shirt, feeling the warm, soft skin underneath. Cas tenses for a moment, before Dean soothes him, rubbing circles into the skin above his hips. He relaxes once more and melts into Dean’s touch. 

They remain that way, kissing, touching, and breathing each other in. 

After a while, the kiss becomes more desperate. Dean lies Cas down across the seat, looming over him, after removing his blazer from his shoulders. Castiel’s hands travel under Dean’s own shirt. He feels the warmth of skin and firm muscles, coaxing a moan from Cas’ mouth. 

Dean pulls away and searches Cas’ features as his hands move to the buttons on Cas' shirt. He looks into Dean’s eyes before nodding. This is all the confirmation Dean needs, as he eagerly unbuttons Castiel’s shirt, not taking it off, but leaving the shirt open, for his lips to explore the expanse of soft skin before him. 

He kisses down Cas’ jaw, relishing in the way he shivers at the touch. Dean sucks a mark into the skin just below his collarbone and Cas moans breathily, hands wandering to Dean’s head, massaging through his scalp, causing Dean to moan himself. The vibration on Cas’ skin makes his hips buck involuntary and Dean feels Cas’ erection brush against his own. 

Lifting his head up once more to gauge Cas’ reaction, his hand travels down to the bulge in Cas’ pants. Cas nods fervently, and Dean pauses, making sure Cas is truly ready for this. 

“Dean, if you don’t touch me right now I swear on your Bab- ohhh…”

Dean presses his palm down onto Cas’ hard length and moves his hand slowly, kneading teasingly, enticing a deep groan from Cas’ lips. "No-one swears on my Baby," he growls, Cas' mouth forming a perfect 'O'.

Dean kisses lower on Cas’ body, causing Cas’ breath to catch in his throat, before releasing the most illicit sounds. 

When Dean reaches the trail of hair leading down past the top of Cas’ pants he licks there, experimentally. Cas gasps sharply, raising his head to look at Dean with a shocked expression. Dean looks back to Cas, feigning innocence before blowing cool air onto the wet patch of skin. The moan Cas emits then is worth the pull at his hair, which is a massive turn on. 

Dean looks to Cas yet again, as his hands find the button for his pants. Cas looks uncertain, but as Dean mouths at the fabric of his jeans, he seems to understand what Dean wants to do. “God, yes,” he says through a deep exhale.

Dean chuckles and smiles darkly as he unzips Cas’ jeans and pulls them down slowly, purposely making them catch against Cas’ erect cock. 

Before he slips them down all the way, Cas pulls impatiently on Dean’s shirt, so Dean obliges swiftly, practically ripping the shirt from his body. 

When he’s free of his shirt, Cas’ hands roam across his form. They travel lightly across his ribs, across his stomach. Cas reaches his nipples and rubs his thumbs across them, assessing Dean’s reaction. Dean moans brokenly, shocked at how sensitive they are. He doesn’t have time to recover as Cas lifts himself up from the seat, removing his open shirt on the way up, and clamps his lips around the vastly responsive bud. 

“Aahhh… fuck Cas,” Dean breathes as Cas sucks and licks and… “Fuck!” bites lightly, teeth grazing the skin. 

Dean pulls Cas back from his activities and kisses him hard, distracting him enough to lie him back down. 

They’re both sweating now, and as Dean trails back down the span of Cas’ stomach, he tastes a salty sweetness on his tongue. 

He mouths once again at the protuberance in Cas’ underwear, the thin material between Cas’ cock and Dean’s mouth an unwanted intrusion. Dean uses his teeth to grasp the waistband of Cas’ boxers, pulling them down over his dick before Dean uses his hands to pull them down the rest of the way, aided by Castiel as he lifts his hips for Dean to remove them from under him. 

Dean promptly removes Castiel’s boots, socks, jeans and underwear, ridding them from his body. Dean pauses, racking in the sight of Castiel, naked, staring wondrously back at Dean. 

Just to tease Castiel further, he slowly removes his own shoes and socks, before returning to Cas as a whine escapes from his lips.

“Patience, angel,” Dean says tenderly, causing Cas’ eyes to darken further at the endearment.

Dean dips his head down, kissing the head of Cas’ cock lightly. He hears a sharp intake of breath above him and his tongue swirls around Cas’ dick, slipping through the slit, licking up the pre-come that had beaded there. 

He descends further, mouthing at Cas’ balls, then trailing his tongue along the vein on the underside of Cas’ erection.

Dean’s hips reflexively grind into open air, searching for some kind of relief or friction. 

Finally, Dean takes Cas into his mouth, tongue flattening against the underside of his dick. He slides his mouth lower, causing Cas to buck up. Dean grabs his hips, pinning him down to the seat. The weight, feel and taste of Castiel in Dean’s mouth triggers a dirty groan, vibrating around Cas' cock. Cas whimpers above him, grabbing onto his hair, spurring Dean on. 

Dean relaxes his mouth, taking Cas as deep as he can into his mouth, before moving back up his dick, swirling his tongue around the head and dipping back down again. 

He repeats his actions, his pace quickening and slowing, listening for the tell-tale signs in Cas’ breathing to let him know when to do so. Dean delights in the various noises flowing from Cas’ mouth. A breathy mantra of ‘Dean’ and countless obscenities leak from that gorgeous mouth of his. Dean had no idea Cas would be so vocal.

Dean begins to hollow his mouth, sucking Castiel's dick with enthusiasm.

Words blend into gibberish, which dissolve into helpless whimpers and moans.

Dean looks up to Cas who is watching him intently, teeth pulling at his kiss-sore lips. Their eyes connect for a moment, until Cas throws his head back exclaiming, “Dean! Dean, I’m gonna… gonna— FUCK!” He grabs so tightly onto Dean’s shoulder, that he’s sure to have a hand shaped bruise there tomorrow.

Dean bobs down forcefully, Cas’ cock hitting the back of Dean’s throat, and then he’s coming, warm and thick down Dean’s throat. 

Dean swallows, licking Cas clean as he pulls off with a slick pop.

He crawls back up Castiel’s body, kissing patches of skin all the way, biting at the sensitive spot between his collarbone and his neck he had found on the way down. When he becomes level with Cas’ head, his eyes rove over the sight before him. Cas is breathing heavily, eyes closed, face completely relaxed, blissed out even. Dean can’t resist any further, seizing Cas’ lips with his own. Cas groans at the taste of himself on Dean’s tongue. 

Just as Dean settles next to Cas, eyes closed, a hand slips below the confines of Dean’s jeans. He gasps loudly as the hand grasps at his cock, stroking slowly. Another hand unbuttons and unzips his jeans, pulling them down with his boxers. 

When Dean opens his eyes, he meets Cas’ own brilliant blues. A sly grin edges its way onto Castiel’s features as his hands picks up the pace. 

Dean groans, “Caaaas,” and buries his head into the other’s shoulder. Cas shivers at the heavy breath against his neck.

Dean’s hands grip firmly onto Cas’ waist, scrabbling for purchase as Cas continues his ministrations on Dean’s dick.

It takes no time at all for the heat to build low in Dean’s abdomen. His orgasm is intense, his entire body shaking with the force of his release. 

Dean vaguely registers a soft kiss to the top of his head before he’s pulled down into oblivion, the events of tonight draining his body of consciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Get Lucky (originally by Daft Punk), but I lovelovelove the Halestorm version so look it up if you haven't heard it yet...
> 
> Gahhh I did it! I wrote smut! wuuuut?! please let me know what you think of it? Don't be embarrassed, we all love the sexy times so let me know... ya filthy animals...
> 
> COMMENT COMMENT COMMENT!
> 
> Kudos are cwl also...
> 
> UPDATES! - i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com


	23. Another Round

Castiel awoke with a start. A sharp cry and the sounds of whimpering coming from the body half laid over his, seeking comfort. _Dean._

Dean was sobbing and moaning in his sleep. Castiel could make out a few mumbled words, such as ‘don’t’, ‘please stop’. It was obvious Dean was experiencing a nightmare. Immediately, Castiel took action. He pulled Dean further up on his body, so that his head was cradled in Castiel’s neck, his arm wrapped around Castiel’s torso. Castiel stroked Dean’s hair comfortingly, trying to ease Dean away from the frightful images that were circling his mind. 

After a few minutes, Dean’s whimpering grew worse and the words became more desperate, ‘Sammy, get out,’ and a frantic ‘please’ were repeated, endlessly.

Castiel needed to pull Dean out of this. He started to shake Dean, whispering his name to jostle him from sleep. Nothing.

He raised his voice louder, shaking Dean a little more vigorously. Nothing, again.

“Dean, Dean wake up,” Castiel exclaims, over and over, doing all he could to wake Dean.

Finally, Dean opens his eyes, bleary and red from sleep and tears. 

“Cas?” he says, when his eyes fall on Castiel. 

Castiel nods and replies, “I’m here.”

Dean wraps his arms around Castiel tighter, if it’s possible, and sniffles into his neck, trying to burrow into Castiel’s body heat. 

“Is he gone?” Dean whispers to him, broken, childlike, “Am I safe?”

Castiel moves his head so he can look into Dean’s eyes, “Of course you’re safe Dean. I’ll watch over you.” He punctuates his statement with a light kiss to Dean’s forehead. Castiel leans over Dean, and down onto the floor to pick up his blazer that he covers he and Dean with when he lays back down.

Dean sniffles again, giving Castiel a small, slightly uncertain smile, before lying his head down on Castiel’s chest once more. A small, “thank you,” comes from Dean as Castiel starts to sooth him, trying encourage Dean to sleep again.

Castiel rubs Dean’s back and runs his hand through Dean’s hair, until he’s certain he’s asleep. 

Castiel stares at the roof of the Impala, wondering what kind of person would hurt Dean, what type of monster would want to put this beautiful man in danger. The nightmare may just be imaginary, but the fear within Dean’s eyes when he awoke, was truth enough for Castiel. 

His mind orbits these thoughts until he too, is pulled into sleep once more. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Castiel wakes again to intense sunlight, shining through the Impala’s windows directly into his eyes. He scrunches up his face at the brightness and looks away. This provides him with a much better sight however. 

Dean is lying next to him, on his side, hand splayed on Castiel’s stomach. The sun hasn’t yet reached his face, so it is cast softly in shadow, his spattering of freckles emphasized. The contours of his face make him look… gorgeous. His features, normally so intense and firm, are relaxed and calm. He is completely at peace, a major difference from the fear that engulfed him just hours before.

The only thing that covers their naked bodies is Castiel’s blazer. Castiel’s eyes rake over Dean’s body and he remembers the events of last night. The glistening sweat on Dean’s brow, the way his muscles moved in his back as Castiel watched him go down, deep, on his cock, the way his eyes were completely blackened with lust, as if he’d been possessed by some kind of sex-crazed demon. It’s a good memory.

Castiel doesn’t have time to think about it much further. Dean starts to stir as the light hits his eyes. He adjusts himself a little to get into a position that the light doesn’t reach, however, this only causes him to fall off of the back seat completely, landing on the floor of the car with hard _thunk_ and a sleepy groan. 

Castiel tries to help him up, he really does, but to be honest, he can’t be of much help to Dean when he’s laughing so much he starts to snort. 

“Shut up,” Dean grumbles and he picks himself back up from the floor and lies back down, closer to Castiel this time, so he doesn’t fall off the seat again. “You’re lucky that snort is so cute, otherwise you would’ve regretted not helping me back up.” 

“Cute?”

Dean pauses and scrunches up his face. “Yeah, don’t tell anyone I said that.”

Castiel chuckles quietly, as Dean snuggles into his side again, throwing the blazer over his lower body again. He looks up to Castiel, wide green eyes shining, a smile evident in them. “Mornin’ angel,” he says affectionately.

Castiel sighs contentedly before replying, “Good morning Dean.” He returns the smile, looking down at Dean, and he starts to lean in. Dean cranes his neck and gives Castiel a warm peck, but doesn’t go any further than that, much to Castiel’s protests. 

“Dude, morning breath!” Dean exclaims, “And you definitely know where my mouth has been,” he says with a suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows. Castiel shoves playfully at Dean and revels in the yelp that escapes from almost falling off of the back seat again. Luckily, he grabs Dean in time.

When Castiel hauls Dean back up again, they lie in silence for a while, studying each other’s faces. Castiel looks over Dean’s features, up close, taking in every detail. He admires the bright colour of Dean’s eyes, especially in the light. Near the pupil they’re almost mustard yellow, blending into lime green, with a deep strip of dark green outlining the iris; there’s a small speck of black in his left eye that Castiel is certain no one else has noticed before. Dean’s long, thick eyelashes define them, the stark contrast of black eyelashes to green, emphasize the intensity of the colour. He marvels at the light freckles that are splattered across Dean’s face; what Castiel would give to play connect-the-dots.

Finally his own eyes fall to the smooth bow of Dean’s lips, and Castiel can’t stand it any longer, morning breath be damned. He closes the minuscule gap between them and touches Dean’s lips. Dean doesn’t protest this time, when Castiel slips his tongue into his mouth, he fervently reciprocates, his own tongue sliding against Castiel’s in the most exquisite way.

Castiel shivers as Dean’s hand slips to his lower back, griping there for purchase as his hips roll excruciatingly slowly. They both breathe heavily into each other’s mouths as they both reach a rhythm, moving against each other at a lazy but eager pace. 

Before things get too heated (even more so than they already are) a loud buzzing comes from the floor. Dean groans, not in the sexy way, and pulls reluctantly from Castiel, capturing his lips once more with a quick peck before pulling away completely. 

He flips over onto his other side and leans down, rummaging for the cause of the buzzing. As he does so, the blazer falls from his hips and reveals his ass, muscles pulling and tensing as he balances himself of his side. Castiel _will not_ be held responsible for the actions of his hand.

“Hey!” Dean yells, as he flinches at the quick pinch on his backside. He slaps Castiel half-heartedly on the arm as he sits up, cell phone in hand, still buzzing. Ah, that was the offending item.

Dean answers, still breathing heavily, “Hey Bobby.”

Castiel can’t help himself. The breathlessness in Dean’s voice is just too much.

He sits up behind Dean and sucks at his earlobe.

Dean’s breath hitches, but he doesn’t let his voice give anything away. “I thought I asked for today off…” Castiel slips his hand low on Dean’s stomach, a small, quickly cut off, moan escapes, “Why can’t you get one of the other guys to do it?” Castiel bites lightly at Dean’s earlobe, before licking a stripe down his neck. He spots the hand shaped bruise on his shoulder, from when Castiel gripped him tight last night, and kisses there, licking at the discoloured skin. A quick click of the throat is what he gets in return.

“I can be there in,” he turns to look at Castiel, his eyes blown black, “thirty minutes?” 

Oh, that just won’t do. Castiel’s hand descends quickly to Dean’s half hard cock, gripping at the shaft. 

That is definitely a moan. “Make that forty-five,” he says hurriedly before hanging up and turning to Castiel. “You bastard,” he says, with no real spite behind it. 

Castiel merely lifts his eyebrows suggestively in reply before his lips are being crushed by Dean’s once more.

Dean doesn’t make it to Bobby’s until an hour later.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When Castiel returns to his dorm room after Dean dropped him off, Charlie is sitting on his bed with a knowing smirk on her face. Castiel merely ignores her as he takes off his jacket, brushes his teeth and joins her on the bed. Only then does he say, “Okay, spit it out.”

“You dirty stopout,” she says, amusement and a little awe clear in her features.

Castiel blushes and shrugs a little, a small smile gracing his face.

“How was it?”

Castiel blanches, his face reddening, “How was what?”

“The date you idiot, although I do want to know why you’re blushing so furiously,” she says, her smirk returning.

Castiel recounts the events of the previous night, talking about their date at Benny’s, how it was Dean’s favourite restaurant too and how he liked the exact same burger as Castiel. He told Charlie how much of a gentleman Dean was, although he left out the bit about the little clearing that overlooked the entire town. He’s pretty sure Dean wouldn’t want anyone in on their little secret place. 

When Castiel stops mid-sentence, telling Charlie about when they left the restaurant, he’s pretty sure he turns beet-red. 

Charlie’s eyes widen comically and she gasps, “Did you…” She makes an obscene gesture with her hands and Castiel shakes his head. 

“No, no, no. We didn’t go _that_ far…”

Charlie lifts one eyebrow suggestively and talks in a low, sultry voice, “But you did do… _stuff_.”

Castiel feels he may explode from how hot his face feels, but he nods slowly, not looking Charlie in the eye. She grabs Castiel’s hand and shuffles closer to him, pulling his attention to her.

“What did you guys do?” she whispers, like they’re conspiring. 

“Well, he was very sweet. He kept asking if I was okay and told me that if he went too far to tell him to stop—“

“As any partner should,” Charlie interrupts.

Castiel nods and continues hurriedly, “He, uh, he gave me a blow job…”

Charlie’s smirk broadens, “Was it any good?”

“God, yes,” Castiel says without any hesitation, even to his own surprise. He slaps a hand over his mouth and snorts at his sudden outburst.

Charlie laughs and hums appreciatively, obviously thinking of her own sexual encounters. “Did you do anything in return?”

He nods, “A hand job…”

“You kinky fucker,” she says, slight surprise in her voice.

To be honest, Castiel is a little surprised himself. That was his first, honest to God, sexual experience with another person, and although he was nervous to begin with, he grew comfortable under Dean’s ministrations and it felt really, really good. Castiel can’t wait to explore more with Dean. 

“Wait, where did all of this happen?”

“In his car,” Castiel mumbles.

“Urgh, car sex is the best, although it can get a little uncomfortable.”

Castiel laughs in agreement, “Yeah, well when Dean woke up this morning he fell off of the back seat.”

“Oh God,” she says through her own laughter. When she calms down, her face turns serious and she squeezes Castiel’s hand, “I told you, you had nothing to worry about. Dean is a good guy.”

“I know,” Castiel says confidently. Dean is a good guy. He’s sweet, kind and damn hot. Castiel can see that he can sometimes hide behind his masculine exterior, as though he’s insecure of his own actions. Castiel wants to help him, especially after witness how full of fear Dean seemed after his nightmare. 

Castiel’s stomach groans loudly through the silence that follows their conversation, and he looks up in horror at the sheer volume of it. Charlie laughs, clutching her stomach as she does so.

“You seem hungry,” she says, to which Castiel replies, “Yeah, no shit.”

Charlie snorts, “Yeah well, after last night—“

“And this morning,” Castiel blurts, a little smugly.

“Oh my God, you sly dog,” she says, sounding a little proud.

“Come on,” Castiel says after a few seconds of Charlie staring at him like he’s some kind of alien, “I’m starving.”

Charlie nods dumbly and walks with Castiel to the kitchen, where he’s met with a few sly grins and questions about last night from the rest of his floor. He answers everyone’s questions, although refuses to answer Becky when she asks very in-depth questions about Dean’s body. She has her notepad out and is taking notes during his conversation with everyone and Castiel does not want to know what she’s writing about.

When they’ve all finished eating they all head into the common room where they all take their usual places. Ash, Adam and Charlie all move to the couch and start playing Call of Duty on the PlayStation, Becky sets up her laptop at the table behind, typing furiously as soon as it’s turned on, Tessa and Alfie are huddled in the corner, and Anna and Castiel are sat on the floor, both with their sketchbooks out. Since Anna is a Fine Arts major too, they have a lot of classes together, they bounce ideas off of each other and critique each other’s work. Chuck is still in his room, no doubt trying to finish his book. 

When Ash, Charlie and Adam finish their first round, Ash pauses the game and turns to look at everyone, “Hey do you all want to go out tonight? Charl, didn’t you say your girlfriend works at that bar The Roadhouse?” 

Charlie nods and hums her affirmation, “Yeah and Dean works there too.” She says so with a brief, worried glance to Castiel. 

Castiel tenses at the thought of going to a bar that’s bound to be busy on a Saturday night. He hasn’t ventured out to the bar on weekends, finding it safer and easier for him to go on weekdays, but Castiel promised himself he would push his boundaries and go out of his comfort zone. 

He gives Charlie a quick nod that he’s okay with this and she relaxes. Castiel can see her growing with excitement as she chats with everyone about The Roadhouse. He still can’t help but feel a little sad at how he’s kept Charlie from going out all these years, but that thought soon fades as he joins in with everyone’s excitement.

He will get to see Dean again after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Another Round by The Foo Fighters... 
> 
> I'll probably be uploading Dean's chapter soon, since this didn't have much in the way of new plot... I have something in store for dear Dean-o so... just you wait...
> 
> Let me know what you think! You're guys' comments are so valued and they help me so much. To be honest I think I'm going to have to ask if anyone's interested in being a beta, since I'm having a bit of trouble with ideas on how to move forward. If you're interested, either message me on tumblr (link below) or send an email my way - bethanyyoung.97@gmail.com
> 
> UPDATES! - i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com


	24. Changes

Dean smiles as he watches Castiel get out of the car to walk back to the dorms. Cas looks over his shoulder for a second, a small upturn of his lips appears on his face and makes Dean’s insides flutter. Dean smiles a little wider after that as he watches Castiel disappear inside the building. 

Dean starts the car up again and makes his way to Singer’s Salvage Yard. Damn Bobby for calling him in. Why he couldn’t get one of the other guys to do whatever he wants Dean to do he has no idea… He wanted to spend the day with Castiel, maybe take him to breakfast at a shitty diner or go for a walk around the park… Okay, that is the sappiest shit Dean has ever thought of doing… moving on.

Dean turns the volume dial on his baby’s stereo to full as Zep’s Immigrant Song starts on the radio. He sings along at the top of his lungs. He’s in a damn good mood. 

His date with Castiel last night went great. They have a lot in common, their love of bacon cheeseburgers being one example. He was ecstatic when Castiel said he loved the view of the town. Dean had never shown anyone else the view, not even Lisa. To be honest, when he was with Lisa, he would spend a lot of time up there. They fought a lot and Dean just needed to get out sometimes. But now with Castiel, it feels like a place they can share, a place they can call their own. 

Dean was pleasantly surprised when Castiel kissed him. The whole time Dean was leaning in, his heart was beating out of his chest. He was terrified that Cas would run again, afraid he wouldn’t speak to him again. But Cas was the one who deepened the kiss. It spurred Dean on, but he didn’t want to push Castiel too far.

Castiel was willing to explore, which both excited and worried Dean. On one hand, he was excited at being able to learn about Castiel’s body, his sensitive spots, what made him shiver or moan, but on the other hand, he was worried he would push Castiel to his limit, or cause him to push Dean out of his life. 

Dean didn’t want that. He’d already pushed Lisa out. He didn’t want to do that again. Especially not with Cas. His feelings for Castiel, are much stronger, fiercer than they had been at the beginning of his and Lisa’s relationship. With Lisa, it had been easy. It was easy to fall for her, it would’ve been easy to live with her, marry her, have kids with her, hell it would be an easy life with her. But Dean didn’t want an easy life. He wanted excitement and passion and a little challenge. He wanted a love to fight for, and, although they hadn’t known each other for very long, Dean could see that Castiel may become that. 

As Dean parks his baby in the garage, he groans, laying his head on the steering wheel. God, he’s such a sap. 

When he sits back up again, he rolls his shoulders, releasing a little tension. He notices a little twinge in his right shoulder and he remembers when Castiel bruised his skin the night previous. He smiles at the memory.

Dean ambles out of the car, ready to work on some beat up piece of shit car and make a beauty of a vehicle. He walks into Bobby’s office to let him know he’s here, but stops short when he sees that it’s not just Bobby in his office.

There was a man, sat with his back to Dean opposite Bobby. The two men seemed to be talking quite seriously, noticing the heavy furrow of Bobby’s brow as he entered.

“Hey Bobby,” he says, as he knocks on the door with his knuckle.

“Dean,” Bobby says gruffly, looking quite relieved. The man sat opposite turns and stands before Dean, holding a hand out for him to shake. Dean recognizes him instantly. 

“Fergus Crowley,” he says with a self-assured smirk, “But call me Crowley.”

Crowley wore an expensive looking suit with a heavy black over coat. He was clean shaven, his hair slicked back and the smell of exorbitant cologne hung in the air.

Dean is too shell-shocked to reply. This guy is big in the classic car world. He buys basically hopeless pieces of junk, turns them into real sweet rides and then sells them off at auctions all over the country. TV producers and companies throughout the country have tried giving him his own show, but he refuses to sign to anyone. He’s Richard Branson rich and Dean feels as though he should be on the ground bowing towards him. He is so not worthy. 

When he finally does find his voice again he stutters out, “D-Dean, uh, Dean Winchester.”

“I know who you are,” Crowley said, an amused glint in his eye behind that smirk.

“You do?” Dean says in awe. How does _Crowley_ know who he is?

Crowley hums in affirmation, “You did some work on a ’76 Chevy Camaro a few weeks back. One of the boys who works for me owns it. I looked over it and you did an exceedingly good job.”

Dean blanches, “What?”

“I want you to do some work for me,” Crowley says, and Dean is well and truly speechless. He stares at Crowley for a few minutes. 

_Fergus Crowley_ wants him, Dean _freakin’_ Winchester, to do work for him? Dean cannot believe it. He’s not even out of college yet, hell, he’s barely even started, and he’s already got one of the biggest investors in the country asking him to do some work. Its nuts.

Crowley coughs pointedly, shocking Dean out of his thoughts. He pulls himself together and switches to business mode. “What did you have in mind?”

Crowley smiles, kind of, it’s more of a grimace than a smile and leads Dean out of the office. Dean turns to see Bobby nod at him with a proud gleam in his eye and Dean preens.

Crowley leads him to a skeleton of a car. The body is totally covered in rust and dents, the wind shield is completely smashed through, the front left fender has evidently been bashed into, it has no wheels, the interior is covered in stains, holes and rips, and the bumper is half lying on the ground. No doubt, when Dean takes a look under the hood, it’ll be even more of a wreck than the exterior.

To anyone else, this would be considered a lost cause, but after seeing Crowley’s previous projects, this is nothing. 

If the car didn’t have that recognizable ‘winged’ tail, Dean would never have been able to make out what car this is. 

“A ’57 Chevy Bel Air Convertible,” Dean breathes, just loud enough for Crowley to hear who turns to him with an impressed look on his face, clapping Dean on the shoulder. “I will pay for all parts and labor. Nothing is impossible with the connections and the money I have, so you won’t have a problem,” Crowley says, arrogance dripping from his voice. To be honest, Dean doesn’t care if this guy turns out to be the biggest bag of dicks going, he’d sell his soul for a job like this. The fact that Crowley wants him to do this job is enough to get Dean’s name and Bobby’s garage out in the public eye. 

“I’m attending a car show in a few months. If you do this restoration to an exceptional standard, I may take it with me.”

“A few months?” Dean says in surprise. A restoration job like this could take more than a few months. “Yes, like I said, you will have the parts you need at the moment you need them. Are you not up for the challenge, Mr. Winchester?” Crowley says, raising a brow.

“No, no, of course I am,” Dean replies hurriedly, “It’s just- why me?”

Crowley rolls his eyes exasperatedly, “Like I said Mr. Winchester, I’ve seen the work you’ve done. It’s of a high standard and you seem to have a real passion for what you do, it shows through your work.”

Dean blows a heavy gust of air through his mouth. He cannot believe this. Sure, Dean loves working on cars, getting under the hood, getting hands dirty, but he wasn’t expecting someone so prestigious and so respected in the world of classic cars to even take a brief look at him, let alone think his work was actually any good. 

“Are you going to do it? Or should I take my business elsewhere?” Crowley says, tiredly, as if he has somewhere better to be. In all honesty, he probably does.

“Yeah, yes, of course,” Dean says, trying to contain his excitement, but failing miserably in the process. Crowley rolls his eyes again, holding his hand out for Dean to shake, which he does vigorously. 

When Crowley pulls his hand back, shaking his hand after Dean basically dislocated all the bones from shaking it so enthusiastically, he nods his head, “Good, I’ve left the contract with Bobby, for you to look through and sign, and I’ve also left my contact details with him. Whatever you need, whenever you need it, you’ll get it. Got it?”

Dean nods his head briskly, thanking Crowley repeatedly. He waves it off, giving Dean a curt ‘goodbye’ before leaving in a Mercedes. 

Okay, what in the hell just happened?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When Dean returns to Bobby’s office, he flops down in the chair across from the gruff man. He runs his hand through his hair, and then down his face, pulling the skin taught and letting it snap back into place, hoping it would snap him back into reality. Oh, this is reality. Hah. 

“So?” Bobby says from across the desk.

“Huh?” Dean replies unintelligibly, blinking at Bobby a few times as if he just appeared in front of him.

“What did Crowley want, ya idjit?” Bobby asks, with a roll of his eyes. 

“He didn’t tell you?” 

“Nah, said he wanted to tell you personally first,” Bobby says.

“Oh…”

“Well? Spit it out.” 

“He wants me to fix up a car, and he said that if it's any good, he'll take it to a car show he's going to in a few months,” Dean breathes, still unable to quite fathom how he ended up here. 

“He does? Dean that’s… shit…”

“I know.”

They both sit in silence for a while, eyes darting, disbelieving, before bursting out into laughter, both entirely unable to get their heads around what just happened. 

This is big. Scary big. Scary, but exciting big. If Dean does this right, does this well, his restoration business could take off before it’s even started. This could put Singer’s Salvage on the map. This could mean money. Money for college, money for his business. More importantly it could mean money for Sam and his dreams to go to Stanford. They’d be set. 

Dean, thinking all of these wonderful thoughts hasn’t even thought _rationally_ about this. He doesn’t even know what figures Crowley is offering Dean. And a few months? Dean’s still not entirely certain he can do that, but damn him if he doesn’t try. He’ll have to get Sammy to help him look through the contracts.

Once both Bobby and Dean have calmed down, Bobby stands and pulls Dean into a hug. Dean damn near tears up. His own father never hugged Dean, hell, he never touched Dean affectionately. Bobby is honestly the closest thing to a real father Dean has ever had. In Dean’s book, he will always be his father figure. Family don’t end with blood, as Bobby always says.

When they pull apart, they both make up lame excuses for the few tears that track down their faces after that rather emotional outburst. 

Sniffing, Dean says, “I should go take a look at Crowley’s car.”

Bobby nods, clapping Dean on the shoulder and sending him out the door. 

_Better get to work then_ , Dean thinks. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dean finishes giving the car a once over, just as his shift finishes. He lists everything that needs fixing, replacing, and redoing. It’s an extensive list, but Dean is pretty confident he can get it all done. 

He pulls his rag from his belt and wipes his hands, ridding them of most of the grease that stains them. 

He checks the time, realizing that he’s got a while before his shift at the Roadhouse, so he thinks maybe this is a good time to move his stuff back into his and Castiel’s dorm. He pulls his phone out of his little locker, since Bobby _does not_ allow his employees to have them during working hours, and scrolls through his contacts. He and Cas exchanged numbers this morning, just before they parted ways. He finds the number listed ‘Cas’ and sends him a quick text.

_Hi Cas, just finished my shift at Bobby’s, would it be ok for me to move my stuff back in? My shift at the Roadhouse doesn’t start for another few hours._

He refrains from adding kisses or hearts or whatever at the end because 1) he’s Dean Winchester and 2) he’s not actually sure whether their relationship calls for kisses and hearts at the end of texts. 

He gets a reply almost instantly.

_Of course, Dean. I’m at the dorms now if you need a hand._

Dean smiles, setting his phone back down in the locker as he goes to change. He washes his hands, the rest of the blackness disappearing with the water. He wipes his hands with a clean cloth as he walks back to his locker. He replies to Cas to let him know he’ll be there in a while. He picks up his things, says goodbye to Bobby and gets in his baby. 

His mood has increased rapidly since this morning. How so many good things happened in Dean’s life all in a few days, he doesn’t know. He just knows that he doesn’t want to stop feeling like this. Ever. The prospect of seeing Cas again boosts his mood even more, if that’s even possible.

He reaches the Roadhouse, running upstairs to Jo’s room. The sight that greets him was one he was not expecting. 

“Hey Jo I’m— _Shit!_ ”

Jo is lying on the bed naked, legs open, with a mess of red hair in between them. Dean squeals in horror and slams the door. He shouts through it, “Jo we’ve been sharing this room for a month! It would be nice to have a little warning!”

“Shut it Winchest—oh _fuck_ ,” he hears being shouted back, and that’s about as much as he can listen to. Jo is practically his little sister and just that mental image is enough to make him want to barf.

He bolts down the stairs, almost running into Ellen in the kitchen.

“Dean! Would you watch it?” she scolds.

“Sorry Ellen, I, uh,” he says awkwardly, flapping his arms around.

Ellen tuts and rolls her eyes, and starts rooting through the cupboards. She pulls out ingredients for a turkey sandwich and Dean just might love this woman a little more. 

“Hey Ellen?” he says slowly, waiting for her to turn around before he continues, “Cas said its okay for me to move back in to the dorm.” He lowers his head and stares at the ground. 

Ellen moves towards Dean, placing two fingers underneath his chin, she looks into his eyes. “That’s great Dean,” she says sincerely. She smiles and he smiles back, “Yeah it is,” he replies. 

Their moment is broken by Charlie bounding down the stairs, smiling smugly at Dean. 

“Hey Dean, didn’t know you were here,” she says slyly, her eyes squinting in arrogance. 

“Bite me Charlie,” he hisses as he pushes past her, travelling up the stairs, ignoring Ellen’s shout of ‘Dean!’ and Charlie’s snorts of laughter. 

He gets to Jo’s door, which is shut, and knocks on it loudly, before shouting “Jo, I swear to God if you’re not decent—“

“Yeah, yeah, don’t get your satiny panties in a twist,” she says with a haughty smile, pulling up the zipper on her pants. Dean scoffs and rolls his eyes, walking into her room. He stands awkwardly in the middle of the room for a while before he speaks up.

“Cas says I can move back in with him.”

“I know, Charlie told me.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

They both stare at nothing for a few minutes. Sure, it’s only been a month, but Jo and he have never been closer since sharing this room. 

Jo rushes over to him and pulls him into a hug, “I’ll miss you,” she mumbles into his shoulder. “You too,” he whispers into her blonde hair. He presses a kiss to her forehead and pulls back, effectively ending that soppy chick flick moment. 

“Now,” he says clapping his hands together, “This room reeks of sex and I’d rather not spend too much time stewing in it,” he says, earning a punch in the arm from Jo. “It was worth the stench,” she says, winking at Dean, to which he scoffs in disgust.

He gathers his things swiftly, pulls Jo back in for a quick hug before taking off down the stairs, Jo in tow. Charlie and Ellen are sat at the table, eating their lunch as they enter the kitchen. Jo wraps her arms around Charlie’s neck, breathing her hair and kissing her neck. Dean would think it was sweet if he hadn’t just witnessed Charlie going down on his faux-sibling. Dean shudders at the mental image. 

Ellen hands him a sandwich, which he bites into eagerly as he says goodbye, mouth full with bread and turkey. He promises to see them later for his shift as he leaves, shutting the back door. He sits down in his baby, starting her up. He looks up to Jo’s bedroom window, reminiscing over the past month. All those late night chats about everything and nothing, their movie marathons, their pig outs, their—

Oh no. Not again. 

Jo and Charlie come into view in the window, kissing furiously, tugging at each others clothes. That’s about as much as Dean can take, so he starts the car hastily, pulling out of the Roadhouse’s parking lot faster than Spock can teleport.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Changes by Black Sabbath.
> 
> Not sure whether the next chapter is going to be Dean or Cas' POV so I might just switch between them. It's going to be a long chapter next too, so get ready. As I said on tumblr a few days ago, this fic is predominantly going to be focused on Cas, but Dean will have his moments. 
> 
> Let me know what you think! As always! Your guys' comments are so valued, seriously, they keep me going when I feel lie giving up, so thank you! Please let me know of any grammar/punctuation/spelling mistakes!
> 
> UPDATES! - i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com


	25. Cold Blooded

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **_TRIGGER WARNING!_ : Depictions of non-con in this chapter, please don't continue if that effects you!**

Castiel grins like an idiot at the text he gets from Dean. He immediately gets up from his spot on the floor with Anna and heads to his – their room. Anna calls to him to ask what’s up. 

“Dean’s moving back in,” he replies, his smile widening at the prospect. She smiles in return and gives him a cheeky little wink, to which he rolls his eyes as he passes through the door. 

He potters around the room, trying to clean up the mess and puts everything in its rightful place. He wishes Charlie was there to help him out and calm him down, but she went to see Jo a few hours ago. 

Once he believes the room is clean enough, he sits on his bed with a sigh.

Dean is moving back in. 

Throughout the past month, Dean has always been on Castiel’s mind. It’s been distracting him, worrying him. But that worry is melting from his body. Dean wants to come back. 

He wants to be with Castiel. 

To be honest, what Dean joked about on Friday had been kind of niggling at the back of his mind. They’re dating and they’re living together. They’ve been on one date and they’re going to be sharing a room. It is kind of exciting but it might put a strain on their ‘relationship’ (in inverted comas since he’s not sure about the definition of it yet). Sure they were pretty good friends before the whole kissing fiasco, but now that they’re involved it might be different. 

Immersed in his thoughts, Castiel doesn’t notice someone move into the room. His eyes are closed and he feels a feather light touch to his lips. He returns the kiss, eyes flicking open for a second to make sure it’s who he thinks it is. Dean.

He smiles as he kisses him more surely. He opens his mouth, Dean reciprocating, and moves his hand to the back of Dean’s head, massaging the smooth hairs at the nape of Dean’s neck. The kiss deepens and Dean pulls Castiel up into a sitting position, sliding his arms around Castiel’s waist. 

Castiel just puts his hands on the sides of Dean’s face when Dean pulls back, resting their foreheads together, breathing heavily. 

“Hi,” Dean says, short of breath.

Castiel smiles softly before replying, equally as breathless, “Hello Dean.”

Dean closes his eyes, huffing a laugh and returning Castiel’s smile. “Helluva welcome Cas,” he says cheekily. 

Castiel just smiles wider in return, giving Dean one last peck as he pulls away. He chuckles lightly when Dean follows his lips, and pouts slightly when he doesn’t catch them before Castiel stands up. 

“Have you got your stuff with you?” Castiel says, looking around the room.

“It’s in the car,” is Dean’s reply. Castiel holds out a hand for Dean who takes it and pushes himself up from Castiel’s bed. 

“You can put everything away later, I want you to meet everyone first,” Castiel says, knowing that Dean never really interacted with the rest of their housemates when he was here the first time. 

Together, they walk into the common room. Dean’s hand is still in Castiel’s, and Castiel is a little nervous about the show of affection. He’s still new to this whole thing. He was hardly ever shown affection in public, only from his siblings and Charlie, who is basically a sister. The fact that it’s Dean does help him to calm down some, but it still doesn’t cure the ache in his stomach telling him this is wrong. He pushes it, far, far down though. He’s spent weeks trying to get this doubt, this fear out of his system and he’s not going to let it get in the way now. 

When they reach the room, everyone is in their normal spot. The only person who notices them straight away is Becky, who glances up from her laptop for a second, squeals, and smiles widely and starts typing madly into her computer, as she always does. The squeal catches the attention of everyone in the room, and they turn around to look at Becky with confused looks on their faces. 

Castiel coughs to bring the attention to him and Dean. “Everyone?” His voice cracks a little, so he coughs again to clear it. Dean senses he’s nervous and squeezes his hand. Castiel shoots him a grateful smile and continues a bit more confidently. 

“Everyone, I want you to meet Dean.”

They all greet Dean with a cheery ‘Hello’ and a small wave, and Castiel takes that as invitation to lead Dean to the couch to sit down. 

It turns out Dean fits in pretty well with the dynamic of the group. Since he and Ash are both majoring in Mechanical Engineering, they get along swimmingly. Adam and Dean are so alike it’s a wonder they aren’t related. Chuck, who is actually out of his room for once, says that Dean reminds him of one of the main characters of the book he’s working on, so Castiel guesses that’s a good sign. 

Samandriel and Tessa greet Dean politely and ask a bit about him. Tessa gives him a sneaky wink when Dean turns to talk a little to Ash, so he’s got her approval. Anna interrogates Dean for a while, albeit jokingly, acting like the big sister that she essentially is to the floor and smiles, impressed when she finishes. 

“So, Dean, you work at the Roadhouse?” Adam asks, looking up from his college work when the excitement of a new person dies down a little. 

“Sure do,” Dean answers with a smile.

“Well we were all planning on going over there tonight, to check it out,” Anna offers, raising her eyebrows slightly as if asking for Dean’s approval.

“Yeah, that’d be cool, but I doubt Ellen would let you all drink. She’s already hounding me for bringing in Charlie and Cas,” he replies nervously, unsure of their reaction. 

“I don’t think any of us planned on drinking anyway, we just want to get out of the dorms for a while,” Tessa says kindly, staring pointedly at Ash when he pouts at the notion of no alcohol. He rolls his eyes dramatically and flops his hands in the air with a defeated ‘fine’. Dean laughs at Ash’s melodramatic display.

Castiel checks his watch; the time shows that it’s 5.30 already. 

“What time does your shift start Dean?” Castiel says.

“Six, why?” 

“Well, it’s 5.30 already so we should probably start getting ready,” Castiel replies, standing up. 

Dean follows, as does everyone else as they all head to their own rooms to get ready. They all agree to meet downstairs at 5.45 to head on over together. 

Dean and Castiel return to their room to change. Castiel continues to sneak glances at Dean as he sheds his clothes, reveling in the freckled, tan skin, the sharp lines, and the hard muscles. His eyes snap to his own in the mirror when Dean turns and catches him staring. Castiel blushes furiously as he buttons up his shirt. 

He jumps when Dean appears over his shoulder, hands on his waist. He tenses for a moment, before Dean’s hands glide up and down his arms, soothing him. Castiel realizes, as his body starts to relax under the touch, he was shaking.

“It’s okay,” Dean whispers into the skin of Castiel’s neck, making him shiver. Dean kisses his neck and Castiel melts, closing his eyes. He remembers Pamela’s breathing technique, in for four, hold for four, out for four. It gives his brain something stable and constant to focus on. 

Once he feels calm enough, he opens his eyes. The first thing his eyes land on are Dean’s own. His mouth is touching Castiel’s shoulder and he’s looking up through his lashes sweetly at Castiel in the mirror, patiently waiting for Castiel to relax. Castiel smiles genuinely. It seems Dean has figured out how to pull those rare things out of Castiel, but it just feels so natural around him. 

Castiel feels Dean’s mouth change into a smile through the fabric on his shoulder and laughs a little at the feeling. 

Dean pulls his mouth away from Castiel’s shoulder and rests his chin there instead.

“You ready to go?” he whispers tentatively.

Castiel nods in return with a shy smile.

If Dean is there, Castiel knows he’ll be alright. _He has to be._

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

They all meet downstairs and walk together to the Roadhouse.

As they get closer, Castiel starts shaking again, not just because of the cold. His hand tightens in Dean’s.

“Hey, you’re okay,” Dean says gently, rubbing his thumb over the skin of Castiel’s hand. 

“I know,” he replies, although unsure.

They reach the Roadhouse and Castiel’s anxiety peaks slightly. The small parking lot, which is usually taken up by a few motorcycles and trucks, is full of vehicles of every kind.

Castiel stiffens at the sight. He knew it would be busy, but he didn’t think it would be _this busy_ , and _this early_. To be honest, Dean looks a bit taken aback himself at the amount of vehicles in the parking lot. 

Everyone walks on, indifferent to the business and unaware of the oddity. Anna sends Castiel a concerned look, but carries on with the others, knowing Dean is there to help.

“Woah, I don’t think the parking lot has ever been this full,” Dean says, which does nothing to calm Castiel’s nerves. 

Dean notices the change in Castiel and turns to him. “Hey,” he cups his hands around Castiel’s face to get his attention, “you don’t have to come in if you don’t feel up to it,” he says kindly, offering Castiel an out. 

Castiel knows this, but he promised himself he would brave it, no matter what. So, here he goes.

“I want to go in,” he says, determined but uncertain. 

Dean sees this and gives him a questioning look, to which Castiel replies with a slightly more confident nod, trying to reassure Dean that he’ll be okay. 

“Okay,” Dean says, letting his hands slide down to Castiel’s waist, “We’ll go through the back door and we can scope the place out. If it’s too much, we can sort something out, okay?” 

Castiel nods again, grateful for Dean in this moment, and then starts walking towards the back entrance with Dean.

When they get inside, Dean leads Castiel through the kitchen to the back room of the bar. Ellen is there, pulling a box of beer from the shelf. 

“Ellen?” 

Ellen snaps her head to both boys, sighing in relief. 

“Thank God you’re here,” she says, moving towards Dean and handing him the box. “What do you mean?” Dean asks, his brows furrowing in confusion.

“Well, thanks to my little outburst the other day, word got out around campus that we’re ‘pro-equality’,” she says in air quotes, “and now the bar is swimming with college kids.” 

Castiel looks at Dean, full of anxiety. His eyes glaze over as his mind runs riot. He knew it was a bad idea to come out tonight. Maybe he should just go home. Maybe he should—

“Cas.”

He stops and lets his eyes focus on the person in front of him. Charlie.

“Hey Kitty-Cas,” she says, smiling sweetly at him as she brushes his hair back with her fingers. He smiles slightly back and she smiles wider knowing that he hasn’t completely drifted. 

“Do you still want to go out there?” she asks him delicately. Dean stands to the side, waiting patiently for an answer. Ellen has gone, so she must be out at the bar. 

He has to at least try. He knows if it gets too much, he has many friends that will help him out. He’s not alone anymore, and that thought is the one that pushes him forward, through the fear and the doubt and the anxiety. 

“I do,” he states, taking the hand Charlie offers him. 

He breathes for a moment. In for four, hold for four, out for four. Repeat. 

Once he deems himself okay, he nods to Charlie, who winks and walks with him towards the bar. Dean follows with the box of beer, closely behind Castiel, a reminder that he’s there if Castiel needs him. 

The crowd is intense. Castiel just about spots Anna and everyone else in a booth at the far end of the Roadhouse. At least it’s a little isolated. 

Dean drops off the crate and is about to follow Castiel out to the table when Ellen calls him back, telling him to get to work. He gives Castiel a helpless smile and Castiel returns it with an understanding one.

Before Dean heads off to serve, he gives Castiel a quick peck on the cheek, whispering, “I’m here if you need me,” in his ear, then he’s gone.

The warmth on Castiel’s cheek stays with him all the way to their table.

Ash, Tessa and Samandriel get out of the booth to let Castiel and Charlie sit in the middle. Castiel is grateful for the act, as he has a buffer of people on each side of him to keep him grounded. 

He takes another deep breath as he sits down. Charlie places a hand on top of his under the table. He turns to her and smiles. He’ll be fine. 

_He’ll be fine._

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Castiel is actually having a pretty good time. He’s surrounded by good company, people he has come to consider close friends over the past month or so. They share good jokes, good stories and Castiel almost forgets about the crowd. 

_Almost._

About three cokes into the night, he needs to use the bathroom. Charlie and a few others offer to go with him, but he wants to brave the crowd alone. As he told Pam, he wants to push himself, make his mind heal. 

He breathes deeply as he passes through the crowd, eyes trained on the door of the bathroom as a target for where he wants to go.

He can feel eyes trained on him, but he ignores it, thinking it must be Dean watching from the bar. He smiles slightly at the thought of Dean watching him go. 

He pushes through the door, his mind celebrating the small victory.

Before he can enter the stalls however, he’s cornered by an unknown figure. Hands grab at his waist, rubbing circles into the fabric there, before pulling the shirt up a little and circling the skin.

At first he thinks it’s Dean, so he hums contentedly, but then the figure speaks.

“Hey there,” a low, rough and nasally voice says. Castiel’s stomach drops and he draws in a rapid breath as Dean’s voice is not the one that greets him. He pulls away from the man’s grip and turns quickly to see who belongs to the voice. 

A man he doesn’t recognize stares at him lustfully, his eyes sweeping over Castiel’s body in a way that has Castiel craving to hide under a rock. 

“You are somethin’ aren’t ya?” the man says, licking his lips like a jungle cat eyeing its prey.

“W-who are you?” Castiel stammers, terrified of this man’s intentions.

“Alistair,” he replies, backing Castiel up again the wall, “What’s your name, hm, sweetheart?” 

Castiel’s stomach churns at the tone Alistair’s voice, all sickly sweet desire and it makes Castiel feel ill. 

“C-C-Castiel,” he replies, unwillingly, but he knows this man won’t appreciate him not answering. 

“Castiel,” Alistair repeats, stroking a finger along Castiel’s face, making him shiver. “A beautiful name, angelic is it not?” 

Castiel nods shakily, praying to God, for the first time in years, to be anywhere but here. 

Alistair smirks, grabbing Castiel’s wrists, where his hands lie flat against the wall. He pins them there, Castiel struggling from his strong grip. He can’t move and Alistair’s smirk just grows, before he starts rutting up against Castiel, kissing his neck, holding him in place. Castiel is petrified. 

“Please, please stop. _Stop_ ,” he begs through his tears, too afraid to do anything else. He should shout, he should scream, but this situation terrifies him to his very core and he can’t find the fight in him to do so. 

He can feel a panic attack starting. His brain starts to go fuzzy, his eyes start to blur as they become unfocused, and his heart is beating a mile a minute and his breathing becomes erratic. He blocks out Alistair’s actions, retracts into his brain as he’s assaulted. 

After a while, he feels his body drop to the ground, sliding down the wall as he goes. He hears muffled shouts and fist against skin. His mind flashes back to the muffled shouts and cries of his brother downstairs in his old house. He remembers the dread and the terror, sharing in his sisters worry. He remembers the sounds of his father beating Jimmy. 

His mind flashes again to his brother hanging in the motel room.

He cries violently, hugging his legs, head to his knees. He feels a weight on his head and cowers away from it. He hears someone speaking softly, although it’s inaudible. It doesn’t sound as harsh as Alistair’s voice, and he implores his mind to return to it. 

As the voice comes into focus, he recognizes it immediately. 

Dean.

“Cas, it’s okay, you’re okay, I’m here. He’s gone, you don’t need to be afraid anymore, I’m here,” Dean says, over and over again, and Castiel uses it as an anchor to come back to reality.

He lifts his head, scared that this might be some terrible trick, but is filled with relief when Dean’s worried face greets him.

“Dean?” Castiel says, disbelieving. 

Dean smiles, sniffling a little, “It’s me, Cas,” he says. 

Castiel yanks Dean into a hug, once again, entirely grateful for his presence. He sobs into Dean’s shoulder, who rubs his back soothingly. He can’t get the image of Alistair’s smirk out of his mind, that disgusting, dirty smirk that made Castiel feel exceedingly nauseous. 

It’s alright now though. Dean is here. He’s really here. He’s comforting Castiel, making him feel better, helping him. He’s safe.

Charlie is here too, standing just inside the doorway with a worried expression on her face. She knows not to overwhelm him in this situation as he responds to only one person when he’s in this state otherwise he’ll just retract into his head again, blocking everyone out.

Dean pulls him up, making him stand, but still holding him tightly, not letting him go for a second. He leads him through the bar; Castiel notices how the whole Roadhouse is empty, save for him, Dean and Charlie. He wonders how long Alistair had him in there for; it was only about 10 p.m. when he entered the toilet.

Castiel is guided to the back room, where he’s sat down on the ratty old couch Ellen keeps back there. Dean sits down next to him, a comforting warmth at his side, while Charlie crouches in front. 

“Castiel,” she starts hesitantly, “that man was taken away by the cops. He’s been wanted for some time now for different crimes, most of which are,” she pauses, swallowing and looking down before looking back up, “sexual assault,” she mumbles.

“We told them that you weren’t fit to give them a statement tonight, but we’re going to have to go down to the station tomorrow. We’ll be with you the entire time,” she says hurriedly, knowing Castiel may panic. 

He just nods in return. He knows they’re there for him. He knows this. He tells himself over and over again that he has a support system, people that love him. That it’s okay. That he has no reason to be scared.

But why does he feel so damn petrified?

“Ellen kicked everyone out when he got arrested. She didn’t want you to be overwhelmed when you came back out,” Dean says.

Castiel smiles slightly, thankful for Ellen’s actions. 

“We’re going to stay here tonight,” Charlie says, “Me and Jo are going to stay down here on the pull out couch and you and Dean can stay upstairs in Jo’s bed.”

Castiel wants to protest, but he’s just too tired.

“Okay,” he whispers. 

Charlie looks to Dean and smiles gratefully, so thankful that he was here to save Castiel. She nods her head and Dean returns it, pulling Castiel up from the couch. Charlie kisses  
Castiel’s temple, and he flinches slightly. He knows it’s irrational, that it’s just Charlie, but he can’t get the feeling of Alistair’s lips on his skin out of his mind. 

Charlie looks at him solemnly, so Castiel kisses her on her own temple to reassure her. She smiles sadly at him before kissing Dean’s own cheek in thanks and returning to the couch.

Ellen waits for them in the kitchen. She holds out a tray of two mugs of hot chocolate and Dean takes it from her, nodding his thanks as he leads Castiel up the stairs. 

They reach Jo’s room and she’s inside, making up the bed.

Dean places the tray on the bedside table, still holding Castiel’s hand, to let him know he’s not going anywhere. 

Jo finishes making the bed, grabs some pajamas for herself and Charlie and leaves the room, sparing a quick concerned glance Castiel’s way before she’s gone. 

Dean lets go of Castiel’s hand for a moment, and he quickly goes to grab for it again, craving the reassuring touch. 

“It’s okay Cas, I’m just getting undressed for bed,” he says softly. 

_Right, okay,_ Castiel guesses he should do that too. He takes off his shirt, noticing that a few buttons were undone. He pushes the unpleasant churn of his stomach down and continues to undress himself. He goes for his trousers next, seeing that his belt and zipper are undone. 

A tear slips from his eye as he takes his trousers off.

He feels so humiliated. How could he be so weak? How could he let someone do that to him? 

Dean’s hand takes his again and leads him to the bed. Dean pulls the covers up as Dean and he slip inside. Dean passes him his hot chocolate and the both sip at theirs in silence. 

The warmth of the hot chocolate makes him feel cozy and sleepy, so it helps a little to calm him down. 

When the cups are empty, Dean places them on the tray on the side and turns back to Castiel, who is already under the blankets, facing away from Dean. 

Dean shimmies under the covers and places a tentative hand on Castiel’s arm. He flinches, but forces himself to relax, knowing that Dean wouldn’t hurt him, wouldn’t scare him. 

He feels Dean start to draw his hand back so Castiel grabs it with his other hand. Castiel moves back into Dean, relishing in the warmth that emits from him. Dean hugs him tightly, as if Castiel may fall of the face of the earth if he lets go.

Another tear escapes from Castiel’s eyes as he drifts off into an uneasy sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Cold Blooded by The Pretty Reckless.
> 
> I _finally_ have this chapter up! I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while, I've been given a whole load of shifts a work... But I hope you enjoyed it and I'm sosososososo sorry for hurting poor Castiel again... but good times a coming! The next few chapter will be a little angsty though so prepare your minds...
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments below and I'll try my best to answer you all! 
> 
> Also a **MASSIVE THANK YOU** to my wonderful friend and beta Ruby! She's here on AO3 as rubylikethesong and her tumblr is dylanofuckthat.tumblr.com if you want to follow her! Go tell her what an amazing beta she is!
> 
> UPDATES! - i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com


	26. Requiem Of The Drunk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY IT'S BEEN SO LONG! My band has had a lot of stuff going on lately so I haven't really had much time between rehearsals and plus work and such... but enough excuses, here you go! Confession time!

Dean was startled from sleep by violent whimpers coming from a thrashing Castiel. He was tossing and turning under the covers, kicking them away and curling into a ball. He would hold that position for a few moments and Dean thought he had calmed down, but then he started sobbing, quietly at first, then it grew into cries for help and Dean felt like crying just from witnessing it.  
He had to do something, and fast. 

Dean ducked from Castiel’s flailing arms and tentatively touched his waist to see if he would react. He did. Castiel shouted in his sleep, “Don’t touch me! Please!” 

Dean didn’t know what to do.

He started whispering for Cas to wake up. When he didn’t respond, Dean raised his voice. “Cas! Cas, wake up! You need to wake up Cas! It’s just a nightmare! You’re okay Cas! It’s just a bad dream!”

All of a sudden, Castiel stopped thrashing. He blinked blearily through his tears, eye wide and frightened. “Dean?” he asked wearily, and Dean was horribly reminded of the events of earlier that night, when Dean had found Castiel cowering against a wall in the bathroom. 

“Yeah, it’s me Cas,” Dean whispers sweetly, relieved that Castiel is out of that nightmare. 

“Oh, Dean,” Castiel breathes as he pulls Dean into a tight embrace, sniffing into his shoulder. “It was awful Dean. He had me up against the wall again, but you didn’t save me. He just kept going and you weren’t there. I couldn’t escape,” Castiel cries quietly.

“It’s okay Cas, it was only a bad dream. I’ll always be here for you,” Dean says, surprising even himself.

Castiel looks up in awe, “Really?” he says, afraid that this is just another remnant of the dream. 

“Really,” Dean replies, with a small smile. He’s confident that he would always be there for Cas, come rain or shine. 

Castiel gives Dean a small but grateful smile as he says, “Thank you,” so genuinely that Dean his insides melt a little. Dean kisses Cas on the forehead for the expression and Castiel leans into it. 

“Dean?” 

“Hm?” Dean hums in question. 

“I think…” Castiel pauses, furrowing his brow in that adorable way he always does, “I think I’d like to tell you now,” he says, a sure expression on his face. 

“Tell me what?” Dean says in confusion.

“About what happened to Jimmy.”

Realization dawns on Dean’s face, “Cas you don’t have to—“

“I want to Dean, you deserve to know,” Cas says with so much confidence that Dean barely recognizes him. 

“Okay,” Dean says quietly, still a little skeptic. “If you’re sure…” 

Castiel just nods in return. He knows he can do this. Dean is probably one of the few people in his life he truly trusts. They may not have been dating for very long, but Castiel knows, just by looking into Dean’s eyes, that their bond is strong. He doesn’t want to hide and live in fear of the past anymore. He knows that Dean won’t judge him for it. 

Castiel just doesn’t know where to start.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was 1 a.m. when Dean awoke Castiel, or Castiel woke Dean... Either way, Castiel knows he has to do this now; otherwise he might never build up the courage again. 

He’s afraid he might fall asleep again before he finishes his account, so he and Dean decide to go downstairs and make some coffee.

To be honest, Castiel is just delaying the inevitable.

He’s not afraid that Dean will judge him, he’s just afraid that Dean might see him differently. He’s worried Dean will look at him like he’s broken, damaged, and not whole. He was broken, a long time ago, but now he’s finally found the strength to put himself, his life, back together again. He’s finally getting to a place where he’s happy, just like he was when Jimmy was alive, and he doesn’t want anything to knock him back. 

He and Dean slip downstairs, trying not to disturb anyone. They hiss as the cold tiles meet their warm feet. As they potter about the kitchen, they try to be as quiet as possible, but as Charlie walks blearily into the room, it seems they were not successful.

“Guys, what are you doing?” 

They jump as she speaks; unaware she had entered the room.

“Shit, sorry Charlie, we were trying to be quiet,” Dean says apologetically.

Charlie just snorts wryly and gets her own mug from the cupboard, although she starts making hot chocolate. 

“How come you’re up so late… or early?” she asks.

“I had a nightmare,” Castiel says, knowing not to hide from Charlie.

She nods in understanding and gives Castiel a fond smile, “You’re in good hands though Cas,” she says with a quick wink to Dean, who looks down, hiding a blush. The corner of Castiel’s mouth quirks up at that, amused that Dean’s usual cocky demeanor has faded, bashfulness taking its place.

As they finish their drinks in comfortable silence, Charlie hums contentedly as she drains the last of hers with a sated expression on her face. “Night, bitches,” she says fondly, sleepily, as she leaves for the sofa bed. Castiel doesn’t miss the knowing smile Charlie sends his way as she leaves the room.

They swill out their mugs in the sink and return upstairs.

As they reach the bed again, Castiel snuggles under the blankets, holding an arm out for Dean. He lies next to Cas, pulling him close to his chest. As they get comfortable, Dean waits for Castiel to start. Neither of them say anything for a while; they just wait while Castiel builds the courage to speak.

“Jimmy was my brother,” Castiel whispers, although it seems too loud in the almost deathly quiet room. Dean doesn’t interrupt, he lets Cas explain, holding him close as he talks.

“Two years ago, he took his own life. I was the one who found him; he hung himself in a motel room.” Castiel takes Dean’s shocked silence as cue to go on.

“My father was a very religious man; my entire family was in fact. But my father,” Castiel huffs bitterly, “he wanted our family to be the perfect Christian family. We were anything but, although he wanted to believe otherwise. He was a violent man and he believed he was doing God’s work by punishing us for our sins.” Dean’s grip on Castiel becomes slightly tighter, but Castiel doesn’t mind, he takes it as a slight comfort.

“When I was nine, I kissed a boy in class. My father was furious so he punished me,” Castiel swallows around the large lump in his throat, “He said he was beating out the demons...” Again, Dean’s grip becomes tighter, but Castiel uses it to keep himself grounded. “I always knew I was different, and Jimmy was too. It was another thing we shared. Jimmy was bisexual. When we started high school we grew apart a little bit. While Jimmy was the popular one, I was the quiet one.

“Jimmy got a boyfriend during the summer before our senior year. He said he was in love with him. After a few months, he decided to tell our parents. I told him not to, since it was absolutely crazy, I don’t see how he could’ve expected father not to react how he did, but he didn’t listen to me. When he told them, my sister and I held each other, crying, as we listened to our father hurt him. Jimmy got kicked out.

“I didn’t see him in school for a few days after that. I asked his boyfriend where he was, but he said he didn’t give a shit. That he didn’t care about that little faggot. It was all a joke, his and Jimmy’s relationship. It was a hoax to try and get the ‘novelty gay’ to fall in love with the jock. I mean, who does that?” Castiel questions, not expecting an answer. 

“Assholes,” Dean says plainly, earning a quiet, shaky chuckle from Castiel. Castiel sighs forlornly before carrying on.

“After that I started to get worried, I hadn’t seen him for a week. I went home, exhausted, intent on taking a nap but as my head hit the pillow, I heard the note underneath it crinkle. I pulled it out and read it, and my heart just dropped when I read his words,” Castiel’s eyes start to blur, but he pushes the intense emotion down. He won’t get through this otherwise. “He was saying goodbye. He said ‘don’t end up like me’, and in my wrecked state I took it too literally. I thought he meant don’t make the same mistake and like men. I thought he meant not to be gay, not to let that push me like it did to him and not to be myself. But I know now that he meant for me to stay strong, to not get so down that I would eventually end my life.” 

Castiel pulls back from Dean’s tight embrace. He’s surprised to see Dean with tears in his eyes. 

“After I found him, I spiraled downwards.” Castiel holds out his hands for Dean’s inspection, “I started self-harming, I shut Charlie out…” Castiel pauses, looking into Dean’s waterlogged eyes. “Charlie saved me, y’know? I threw back some pills, slit my wrists and I just… fell. I was only out for a few minutes. But when she found me, lying in the bathroom, she was screaming her head off and it was like a wake-up call for me. Someone truly cared for me, enough to save my life. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay Charlie for that.

“I was hospitalized for a while, and my parents never visited. Charlie and her parents did, and my other siblings, Michael and Hester tried, but my parents forbade it. And I was put into the psychiatric ward for a time, again my parents never visited.” Dean’s tears fall freely down his face now, silently. Castiel’s eyes remain dry, although just seeing Dean upset makes him wish desperately that he wasn’t the cause.

“When I got out they acted as if nothing happened and I snapped. I got kicked out and Charlie and her parents took me in. I stayed with them, finished school, took a year out and then moved here for college.”

Castiel shrugs as he finishes his story. 

“Jesus Cas,” Dean breathes as he sniffs past the tears and snot that cover his face. He blows out a heavy breath as he pulls Castiel in for a hug. 

“That sucks,” he says, muffled into Cas’ shoulder and Castiel huffs a laugh, “Yeah it does, it’s over now though, and I was okay until…” he falls silent and looks down. 

“Hey,” Dean says, pulling back, drawing Castiel’s eyes to his, “That sick fuck is gone now, he’s locked up, and it looks like it’ll be for a long time,” Dean says.

Castiel just nods in reply, flashing Dean a weak smile. He’s silent for a while, “So that’s my sob story,” he huffs a slightly bitter laugh, “What’s yours?” Cas says it with slight amusement, but Dean’s eyes flash with a deep emotion that Castiel can’t figure out quick enough before Dean is dipping his head. 

Castiel guesses it’s not as amusing as he’d first thought.

“Dean?” Castiel says, concerned.

“My mom died when I was four, a house fire,” Dean blurts. He says it fast, like ripping off a Band-Aid, and letting just one person know, someone who isn’t family and already knows all his shit, is a huge relief. “I hardly knew her but the few memories I have of her are some of the best.” Dean takes Castiel’s hand again, now for himself rather than Cas. Castiel squeezes as their hands interlock.

“Dad took it really hard. Straight after the funeral he packed us all up and we took off. I don’t think he ever had a destination in mind; he just needed to get out. When I was old enough, in his eyes anyway, he started leaving me on my own to look after Sammy. He only left for a few hours, but when he came back, he was always drunk. He would just send me to bed, to start out with, but one night I left to get a soda and when I got back Dad was there and he was mad. Really mad. That was when…” he breathes out a slow breath and Castiel knows exactly where he’s going with this.

“Dean you don’t have to if you’re not ready,” Castiel says, offering Dean an out. 

“No it’s okay, you told me your story and I’m telling you mine. I have to tell someone,” he says, more to himself than to Castiel. 

“That was when he started to hit me, just a slap every now and again for not looking out for Sammy, but then it got worse. The smallest thing would set him off. He always did it when Sammy was out, or asleep. It went on for years and Sam never found out. He didn’t even know it was happening until, until—“ Dean breaks off with a sob, turning his head into the pillow. Castiel pulls Dean close, his head pillowed against Castiel’s chest, shaking as he recalls the memory. 

“We were at a new place. I had just, kind of, realized I was bi, and the school we were at was a progressive one, y’know they had a really good GSA club, or they called it a QSA, Queer Straight Alliance. Since no-one knew me I thought what the heck and joined up. It’s how I met Daniel.

“I invited him over to the motel one night, since Dad hadn’t been home for a few days I figured he wouldn’t be back for a while. He did that a lot. He wouldn’t come back for weeks at a time. Sammy was staying over a friend’s for dinner. Daniel and I watched TV for a while until we just started kissing.

“And surprise surprise, Dad came bursting in, drunk as anything. He sees us kissing and chucks Daniel out. Dad started hitting me, kicking me, and he wouldn’t stop. He shouted at me, telling me he wouldn’t have a faggot for a son,” Dean spits around the derogatory word, “I was led on the floor completely helpless and it just wouldn’t stop.

“I started to black out and the last thing I remember was watching him pick up the ash tray from the coffee table.

“The next thing I know I wake up in hospital. Sam’s sat next to me with a fading black eye and tells me I was out for almost a week, Dad had hit me that hard. I asked him how he’d got it and he said that he pulled Dad off of me and Dad had elbowed him when he pulled him back. Dad lost it. He left the motel in a rage and started driving. He crashed into a tree and died on impact. To be honest, I was kind of glad when I heard the bastard beat it… I was finally free of the asshat.

“But do you wanna know the worst part?” Dean says brokenly, looking up at Cas through tear-ridden eyelashes. Castiel looks down at Dean, heartbroken.

“He hit someone when he swerved. It was Daniel. He hit Daniel. He killed Daniel,” Dean whispers. He cries into Castiel’s chest, and the tears fall from Castiel’s eyes without obstruction, seeping into Dean’s hair. 

He kisses Dean’s head, “Dean,” he says, pulling back so he can see him, “Dean, I know what you’re thinking, and I want you to know that it is complete and utter bullshit,” Castiel says with conviction, his eyes boring into Dean’s own wide ones, “It is not your fault that your father hit Daniel, okay? Your father was drunk and he made the horrible decision to drive under the influence.”

“But Cas if I didn’t invite him over I could’ve—“

“Dean please, stop it. You would never have known that your father would burst in and do that to you. And your father’s decision to drink and drive was his and his alone. Were you the one behind the wheel?” 

“Well, no but—“

“But _nothing_ Dean. Do not blame yourself, okay?” Castiel implores, looking deeply into Dean’s eyes. When he doesn’t receive a reply he asks again, quietly, “Okay?”

Dean’s eyes flick between Castiel’s, searching for something. When he seems to come up short he replies with a small nod and a whispered, “Yeah, okay.”

“Good,” Castiel says, kissing Dean on the nose, “Now that we’ve got that over with, you wanna sleep?”

Dean nods, laughing, albeit a little weakly, shuffling his body to fit under the comforter, and letting his head rest on Castiel’s chest. They hold each other tight as they slip into, for once in their lives, a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well? Gahh, I'm such an evil person, I just love to make the boys' lives hell don't I? 
> 
> Chapter title is Requiem of the Drunk by The Dirty Youth (check them out if you get a chance, since my band may be opening for them at one of their shows! AHH!)
> 
> Let me know what you think, comments and kudos and such. Also let me know if there are any spelling/grammar/punctuation mistakes. I have a wonderful beta but I added a few things after she'd beta'd it.
> 
> UPDATES! - i-am-the-darkest-of-lords.tumblr.com


End file.
